Chrissy Renee is an Author, Blogger, and overall Creative eager to impact the world at large. Her desire is to become a full-time Philanthropist and Author. Renee is passionate about inspiring and encouraging others.
Simply put, abuse is defined as improper use or treatment. When it comes to relationships, everyone has different mental models. It is our lens of how we define and justify certain behaviors. Our mental models teach us to reject or accept behaviors and shapes our own behavior. It is our perspective based on our upbringing, past experiences.
For those predisposed to abuse, you are somewhat desensitized. You don’t realize how accustomed you are to certain traits. You may dislike certain things, but the process of acceptance tells you subconsciously that this is life, this is just the way things are. Maybe this is just the way things are meant for you. Its all a lie.
For others, its an initial shock; “the I cant believe they did…” moment. When you blame yourself for not defending yourself and acceptance of certain behaviors. Many are so desperate to be married or in a relationship that they keep lying to themselves thinking it will get better soon. He or she will and can change. They won’t don’t try to convince yourself.
There are several warning signs that we should be mindful of. A lot of times, physical abuse begins with verbal and mental control. If you can break someone down emotionally and mentally manipulate them, chances are you can move on to physical encounters.
Many abusers are great pretenders. They are socialites that know how to sweet talk and impress an entire room. They are charismatic and easy going. If anyone wherever to disclose poor behaviors, it would be hard to believe. The most dangerous people are not the ones with the obvious outburst but the secretive and private behaviors. In public, you will notice a drastic change in behavior. They are holding your hand, showing affection, sharing stories of your love and the charade is on like prime-time television. They may whisper sweet nothings in the moment and have what I call “photo op moments”. If something is being recorded or photos are taken, they know how to play their part. In private, you will notice their behavior switches right off. You do not have to say anything they are suddenly cold. Nothing you do is ever good enough for them. The praise they once sung disappears. They do not wish to be affectionate or kind with their words. Some words are often appalling and degrading.
Name calling is very prevalent, or you may you experience double sided compliments. Statements vary like “ You look pretty, tonight but you just gotta fix your teeth and you’ll be fine” to “You’re so lucky, I never date African American women, I only date Hispanic ones and for some reason I find you attractive. The list can go on and on. Those compliments are loaded with insults and they speak volumes as to the state of their heart and posture towards you. Real love will never have you insecure where you were once confident, break you down or make you feel small. Love builds, encourages, and esteems highly.
Staring arguments where your always to blame, deflecting thier issues on you is a form of abuse.
Some abusers will embarrass you publicly and have you mentally controlled. They hold something above you to keep you in the relationship where you feel trapped and that this person in some way cares. You want to leave but then analyze other acts and convince yourself that this person is not all that bad.
Some abusive partners start fights with you or blames you for issues that have nothing to do with you directly. They will find a way to put the focus and attention back on you if ever challenged. Some who experience outburst also find a way to justify their actions and tell you if you had not have said or something wrong then they would have no reason to react this way. You are the trigger; you are the problem. Don’t hold your head down and don’t accept that.
It’s okay to take a stand for yourself and be assertive in a conversation. Some partners believe in monologues where you are not allowed to express your displeasure or opinion. Those are sure signs of abuse. You may have never be physically struck but it is still abuse. Any form of psychological game or manipulation, verbal degradation (abrasiveness) or force will for any reason at all is ABUSE.
If just the thought of your partner coming close, coming home or being in your vicinity makes your nervous that is a neon flag not to ignore. Whether you are in a committed relationship or married, for someone to force themselves on you without consent is abuse. If they ignore your audible plead to cease an action and they justify forced sex as a duty or your obligation… I am so sorry to tell you this, but it is abuse. If they do not care about how you feel emotionally and physically it is a sure sign that this was not a match made in Heaven. It is safe to call it hell.
You don’t deserve this!!
Sometimes, abusers are great with words, they are often controlling and narcissists. Sometimes we look at a person’s history and say to ourselves “well they were abused as a child, I have to teach them how to love”. You cannot pour into anything with a lid. People like that are already full of their past and their own evil mental models that shaped their thinking. My friend Jeremiah Ware revamped the adage by saying “Hurt people, hurt people but {healed people help people}.” It is not your duty to heal anyone or attempt to help. They need divine and professional help to unpack whatever internal battles they are experiencing.
If any of this is hitting home, please seek help. There is no shame in wanting a better life. You deserve to be treated with respect. Whether or not you see yourself as valuable, please know that you are not stupid, ugly or undesirable. Everyone is worthy of love. You are not broken, you’re not a “hot mess”. You can experience real love but let it begin within.
Please reach out to a Clergy member, hotline, or center for abuse. Your voice matters don’t let your experiences put you in a box of shame. When life deals you a tough hand, its an opportunity to learn your own resilience and discover your own strength. Be well!
Let’s jump right into it. A state has an ambiguous meaning. It can be a geographical place within a country, a state of mind and even a posture.
Oftentimes, I hear people say “change of environment is essential” so they leave their home in hopes to find solace and peace elsewhere. I do agree that every now and then we need to just get away. We need to relax, release, and just dwell in peace or maybe have some fun. We all deserve that. Change of environment affects one’s mood and shifts perspective as well.
One thing that is for sure; ultimately, it’s your posture that is a direct correlation to your state of mind. If I am unhappy with my life or feel frustrated, shifting my location is all that I am doing it does not remove the issue. That same mentality travels with you. We go places mentally and sometimes we lose our passport. We have no admission back to that homeostasis of internal peace. We lose ourselves in the land of frustration, being overwhelmed and so much more. We look for external reasons to take the blame for your current situation instead of searching within. You know what they say “when someone wants to leave they will find a million reasons to go can’t find one to stay”- Unknown.
If someone is a go getter and that state of mind is their posture no matter where you place them, they will strive. My point is, if you really believe that moving elsewhere is the answer to your problems you are in for a rude awakening. Yes, some people thrive after they shift locations, but you must have the right mentality in order to make that life adjustment. You may have unfavorable conditions where you are right now but trust me there is much you can experience that is wonderful in the eye of a storm.
I am all for traveling the world or exploring a new place. Sometimes we need a fresh start but just keep in mind that the fresh start must being with YOU.
I woke up feeling disgusted and confused to some extent. The house was in every way disheveled and unorganized. When things were far from put together. It affected me mentally and also shifted my mood.
In any home, things typically quickly accumulate or slowly build. That goes for dishes, laundry and even dirt. This happens intentionally or unintentionally. The key factor is you. You must be the one to recognize the need for cleaning. Sometimes you aware of the change immediately other times it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Being aware is only part of it. Next, you must make time and be motivated to make that change. You can see a pile up and keep saying tomorrow or later I will do that. Living non-motivated to make changes.
Suddenly, your doorbell rings and an unexpected visitor stops by. You are left embarrassed or quickly trying to fix things. By then it’s too late. You make comments like “Excuse the mess” or “I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to clean up” with nervous laughter following.
I don’t know about you but cleaning is extremely cathartic and therapeutic for me. When my environment is clear and I feel free in my mind, I’m and overall happy. It’s welcoming and I get a sense of freedom. I took a moment to take it all in. I noticed the breeze from the window was the epitome of a perfect September afternoon. The smell of fresh linens, “Bath & Body” works signature scents in the air, the sight of glossed floors and well-organized space did something to me. I felt empowered and oh so good. Creativity started flowing and I was free to be my artistic self.
While wrist deep in a soapy environment the Lord whispered to me. You love how this feels right? That is great for the home, but what about you? I almost dropped the pot cover. Wow! What about me? I knew exactly what He meant. He was not referring to the space or even the boost in my mood. I am the vessel who houses God. His presence lives me, but my spirit has been junky. I recognized a lethargy in my spirit but was saying “I’ll take care of later or I don’t even wanna address this right now” Spiritual procrastination, neglect and eventually build-up. Spiritual build-up is the daily failure to renew my mind and spirit. The failure to communicate with the Savior to get rid of the dust of worry, the muck of stress and pile up from the doors I opened to the enemy. He resides inside of me and what an insult to be surrounded by the external and internal elements that have left a residue. Its unwelcoming and uninviting. Who feels comfortable in a dirty house? I was immediately convicted, and I needed to repent.
I said “Lord purge me. I want to turn from my wicked ways. Everything that upsets you please forgive me and help me to live the way you desire. I want you to smile when you see me. I want to do what is most pleasing to you after all I am the apple of your eye.”
PSALM 51:10- Clean heart, renew my spirit
Sometimes external things are easier to spot and you get uncomfortable enough to do something about it but internal mess we allow ourselves to live comfortably with. Christ lives within, no unwanted guests can dwell here. Just a clean atmosphere to maintain freedom, joy with no clutter. Every house is not a home, but I desire to be that vessel and that place He can call home.
Sometimes, we have to check our environment and monitor what’s being placed within. Is this a waste or is this edifying?… and where do I place this or that? Every home has a place for treasured items and a place for waste. When the two mix, we are in trouble. You must ask yourself “am I just living recklessly or am I being intentional about managing my home? I was perturbed by the disgust I felt internally and externally but so grateful that I recognized, acknowledged, and ran to the source that can help me clean up.
Sometimes when people clean, they put on their favorite jams that sustains their momentum. Oftentimes, music is very essential during this cleaning process. What are you playing as the soundtrack to keep you spiritually clear? Music that edifies or infiltrates. It is a spiritual experience and we should be very careful as to what we feed our spirit. It’s important that we protect our gates. Our ears, sight, heart are some gates to protect. They should have a combination that only God has the code for on them. In Isaiah 52:11 KJV tells that those that bare the vessels of the Lord should not touch the unclean thing. We ought to be Holy vessels not defiled ones. Imagine someone coming over to your home and thirsty and requests water. Would you take a dirty cup and then serve them? We are saved to serve and we can’t contaminate the people we are called to help save and heal.
Thankfully, repentance is like a combination of Mr. Clean, Clorox, Lysol, and any other substance you clean with. It is an opportunity to wipe clean, purify and purge. When you don’t feel good about or in your environment, check in with the one who lives within and I guarantee things will change. You can’t do this type of cleaning on your own.
“It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” – Frederick Douglass
There’s an age old debate about how to raise children. There is no blueprint and there are no “Poster Parents” that exist to be the prime example. In fact, were all individuals with unique personalities. Each personality, when engaged has to be managed differently.
Everyone on this planet differs from another. Yes, society is so eager to bunch us together just to slap a label on our foreheads and call it a category. Were divided in many ways due to race, culture, zodiac signs and the list goes on. Division is one things externally but should never exist in your home. No one should be able to explain your child better than you. As children grow into adolesence they often become widthdrawn from thier parents and cling to thier peers. Sometimes its difficlut to have conversations or engage. However, I encourage you to keep trying. Teens and preteens my seem “Stoney” but at the end of the day they are just as eager to receive your love as the young ones are.
In this world of labels, children are fighting to find thier identity. There’s so much confusion and internal crisis wthin this area. Its important to provide space but not too much. They need monitoring and nuturing but like a plant there is no “cookie-cutter” template to care for agriculture. You must study the plant and figure out what works. They all need specific environments that are most beneficial to thier needs. What needs some may ask? That’s where we go wrong. Every child also has a love language and means of how they prefer to be addressed. My mother often yelled until she was informed that it only pushed me away. I explained how degraded I felt and expressed that I was mature enough for a conversation. When she began to talk to me things changed drastically. With another child, they would require a different form of interaction to get thier attention. For me, simple discussions did the trick so OBSERVE,LISTEN AND LEARN.
Many parents are stuck on thier version of how a child should be raised. Newsflash, what worked for your parents and even for you with another child may not be successful. Its time to analyze your parental style. Am I harsh, abbrassive, nuturing, loving or maybe a combition of things?. Balance is key but what happens when your culture dictates your behavior? Oftentimes within the West Indian community strict or harsh enviornments were fostered. They instilled fear into their children in order to instill manners and a host of other favorable characterstics. They figured the harsher the better your demeanor would be. They have passed that mentality on but it has backfired in numerous ways? Stated previously, that may not work for this generation or for your specific child, may not work for your child. You may hurt where you try to help so its important to do your homework. They are constantly shifting gears within phases and stages and may need a new approach. Are you a flexible parent?
A child who is nataurally loving and nuturing may find it rewarding to help you arround the house for in exchange of hugs, personal recognition and even affiramtion. If you are rough and tough and you rule with an iron fist, your child may be emotionally scared. This manifests in a number of ways. They can act out and bully and harm others, they may develop selfish behaviors to cope, they may be very cold and emotionally detached. To you, you beleive that your raising strong children who will not be bullied by life or people. Your goal may be reslilent in impenetrable children but they may find it hard to care for others. They may lack certain attributes like empathy, sympathy and even compassion. The age Scholarly fight of “nature vs. nurture” comes to mind. Would you produce carbon copies of yourself or would they break the mold and endeavor to be themselves and break away from the seeds you have sown? Will they become far worse? You don’t want to raise robots with the inability to create meaningful or deep interactions. Many children who are forced to be “strong” tend to assimilate to the harsh conditioning and later express difficulty connecting with others.
On the other hand, “babying” and sheltering them is causing more harm than good. They become comforatable living in a shell that is not exposed to real life scenarios or experiences. Coming to thier rescue and not allowing them to develop on thier own in crippling and when life truly introduces himself to your child, he is never a gentleman. This leaves them open for depression and a host of emotional a host of other issues. You cannot be their best friend either, lines of boundaries and respect go out the window or become blurry. Your new name will become Houston because you will have a problem.
A balance and consistency is key. Remember to keep your word. If they are punished, then do not take them out for ice cream immediately after like my Father did with me. If they are grounded then they serve their time without retracting. Many times, my father scolded me and felt bad about it. I was taken out to the famous “Taste the Tropics” icecream parlor in Brooklyn. Most times, I was taken after I had got in trouble. When I got straight A’s that would have been the ideal time to do that but he failed to grasp that concept. I was often confused about where he stood but was quite clear with my mom. Her yes were actual yes and her no was a definite no.
My parents failed to understand my love language. For me, it included words of affirmation, time and presence not just gifts or money. This is not a rant but an example. I love to see people live in harmony. Life is crazy on its own but when you enter your home there should be some peace and solace there.
One great mistake people make is comparison. They compare children to others both inside and outside of the home. Many who portray an image of being the “perfect child” or positive influence. Yes some children are amazing but keep in mind that “The definition of you will never be someone else”– Dr. Courtney M. Bradley. We forget that everyone has flaws and we are only called to be one thing in life, ourselves.
ITS THE LITTLE THINGS
Give them your ear literally and figuratively..
Children often look for references of thier parents in their curshes and people they date.Your child is often like a project. You make a hypthesis and do some resarch via trial and error. No one is perfect so mistakes are inevitable. Moral of the story, you must remember that your raising your child for the world not yourself, You should want to just be your best self to live as an example providing the right balance.They need grooming. Your boy or girl will be someones student, friend, spouse, business partner and leader one day.
“If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we are old.” – Lord Chesterfield
While your planting just consider the fruit you would like to see as you sprinkle your own mixture of parental nutrients. Remember to know who your dealing with. Get to know your chiildren and develop consistency with conversation and engagement. Remember to be present, even if they were to push you away they will always remember those moments you stood by thier side. Please attend games, showcases etc. when you can. If you phsycially cant be with them, get creative and show them that they are supported. Encourage thier hobbies, dreams and assist with their goals. Ask God to show you thier potential to encourage and push where necessary. We all need a strong team in our corner to make it in this harsh world.
No one can tell you how to raise your child but just don’t believe you have it down packed. Ask God to provide the blueprint for your child.He alone knows whats best. They only have one childhood and its best to build them but you need the right tools. What environment, nutrients and tools does your child require to grow? Seek God in prayer and do your part of being actively enagaged and an effective LISTENER. Add prayer to your family time. Plant the word in their spirit. The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 that they “will not depart” and its true. There is no need for force feed they will eventually build an that hunger later. Do not forget to plant your time, past experiences, support, encouragement, discovery, opinions, trust, and most of all LOVE and let God do the rest.
Warning. This specific blog post may be sensitive subject for some readers. Just in case your unfamiliar with the term, stealthing is simply unconcentual sexual activity.
In this case, it’s the removal of a contraceptive unbeknownst to your partner’s knowledge. It’s deliberate, intentional and most of all wrong. In most places it is considered to be a criminal act. Oftentimes, women blame ourselves for certain occurrences that are beyond her control. It is the responsibility of the condom wearer to dictate that he would prefer a more natural experience. The female is left open and vulnerable for STDs and unwanted pregnancy.
I’m here today just to tell someone who may hurt, confused or feel taken advantage of that it’s not your fault. You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt or violated. Your trust was disregarded . You may blame yourself or feel alone. This is not a subject often discussed. Stealthing can produce devastating results not just physically but emotionally and psychologically. There is a long range of negative effects such as depression, increased anxiety and PTSD.
If you feel as though this happened to you, please alert someone who is capable to help. Obtain counseling services if necessary and take time to heal. You didn’t deserve this. You deserve to be treated with the upmost respect never forget that. Don’t worry, I survived this trauma and you can too. Don’t ever be ashamed of your story. You don’t know who you can help heal by telling your truth from a healed perspective.
One word from a person with pure intentions for you to live your best life can change your life! Yes, that was a mouthful but I couldn’t say it any other way. Beyonce asks the question “Who runs the world?” followed by a response of “girls!” but to me its WRITERS!!!
Let me explain. Writers construct the greatest speeches of all time. Many of which altered and shaped our history, nation, and the world at large. Writers evoke feelings, provide fantasy, and escape. They inspire the masses on various platforms. Writers affect our educations create laws, composed your favorite song and list goes on and on.
When someone gives great advice, that moment of inspiration and direction can shift the trajectory of your entire life. For example, my Mentor Dr. Courtney M. Bradley said, “Every day, do something about what God told you!” We all have a purpose and a destiny to fulfill. Some are still in search of clarity others are well on their way and on route. Regardless we all arrive in the timing of God. We are not our own so do not ever feel behind time or far off from where you need to be. I call Gods guidance the real G.P.S. Its Gods Positioning System of direction, instructions, and inspiration. No matter what obstacles encompasses you just know that you have a compass that would never let you go too far or lead you astray. You can rely and trust Him wholeheartedly. He has a plan for our lives (an expected end… Jeremiah 29:11) Circling back to Mr. Bradley’s quote, that statement shapes my morning thought process. Do not just get up in the literal sense but get up in life. Do a little every day. I realize that I am a person with BIG dreams, and I want to take these massive leaps, but some things require baby steps before I can take longer strides and eventually leaps.
Phenomenal individuals with great vision and wisdom happen to be writers, orators and motivational speakers influence our spheres of influence. My question to you is what words do you wake up to? Are there any words that confront you? Any words affect your habits or your daily activities?
Your vision should have words that point you forward. They say that “you are what you eat”. Every time you have a conversation with someone or have an internal monologue just know it’s an exchange of sorts. You are being fed in that exchange just make sure its something positive and nurturing that can propel you forward. Until next time stay positive, surround yourself with those who speak from a posture of health, create vision boards, utilize post-its with quotes and get yourself set up to live the life you desire to live.
They often say that “familiarity breeds contempt” I slightly disagree. It is a known fact that as people draw close despite the nature of their relationship they become relaxed.
I have been very close to every Employer I had and yet what made them love me is my understanding of boundaires. What made me different?… RESPECT. When you care for someone or honor thier title you will respect them. Respect will put you in check and remind you about where you stand and whats apporpraite. I get comfortable but not too comfortable.
There is also what I like to call the “Power of Invitation”, if your leader or authority figure invites you into thier personal lives. Its a great sign on trust and confidence that you are responsible for. You given that exclusive key should also keep in mind that your mouth should operate as a safe. Your motives need to be clear and pure. So when people get close and hurt others was it beacuse of the familiar behavior or was it because they got acess to a door without the right heart and character to remian in the building??
Social and Racial Inequality
I typicially refrain from speaking about touchy topics such as racial and social injustice but I think it is time. I am appalled by the news and current events that have swept the nation. Racism never died it was under a rug.
Now the rug has collected too much dust, someone or a group of people grew allergic and decided to dust out that mat. Lifting to unveil certain issues opened Pandora’s box but it is critical to know what we are living with. Police brutality has been more blatant and in our faces especially if you livein the inner city. Many people fought against and spoke against such expereinces. Time and time again we receive sadening news about another life loss without just cause.
Officers have “dash cams” to record events as well as protect themselves. I strongly believe that the average vehicle should have such technology built in. If were doing to talk about equality lets start with that. I think it would be great if vehicles came with an option to upload footage to your cloud immediately by the push of a button. I truly beleive that it can save lives or at least be a voice to voicelss especially if thier lives are taken. Many racists are very vocal about thier stance and exercise thier freedom of speech (1st Amendment). This world we live in is becoming more and more dangerous and it is crucial to protect yourself by any means necessary. I am in favor of creating this upgrade to American vehiciles. I hope someone sees this and really takes it into consideration.
Have you reached the lowest point of your life, feeling all hope is lost and to make it worse you feel alone??….WAIT A SECOND… Don’t give up. God allows this on purpose to prove His purpose and show you yours. It always gets worse before it gets better PLEASE HOLD ON!!! He’s gonna show up STRONG and then you’ll have one of those testimonies to say “wow look how far I have come” but He will get all the glory because nobody will be able to say they did it. Give Him permission to work. Take your hand off the wheel be a passenger and watch how your life will shift direction and route.
Signature Thoughts 