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Hero Complexities

Two sides to a Superhero complex. The one who desires to save the world and the one who needs saving.

One who needs to be saved is typically eager to cling to anyone for their moment of crisis or uncertainty. They need a moment to feel safe, seen, and protected. Oftentimes you will notice that this person has endured some type of loss, trauma, rejection, betrayal, or a wild combination of it all. They have had a hard life full of unfortunate circumstances, conditions, and unkind people.

 This person is vulnerable, sometimes gullible, and would do anything just to say that they have someone on their side. This is not a bad trait. Wanted to be accepted, covered and heard by someone is an innate human response. We are all born with the innate desire to connect, feel accepted, appreciated, and have a sense of belonging. However, on the flip side of things it’s not their fault but somehow seem to keep attracting the worse kind of people. When people recognize your desperation to belong, they would take advantage.

Many who never had a solid level of security or love early on in life tend to fall in various categories:

  • Prey- easy to manipulate, abuse and control.
  • Stoic – a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining; tolerant
  • Emotional – Ran and controlled by feelings as opposed to facts.
  • Anxious – anxiety is their GPS
  • Balanced – accepted their life events but use them as a tool to propel them forward. The highest level of relational intelligence is exhibited here.

The distressed may encounter an amazing individual(s) but the people they attract don’t realize that there is a magnetic pull. This relationship oftentimes exposes a deeper issue. It’s an attraction to people who need help because you either feel you need to save the world or can relate and operate under sympathy.

Many don’t often recognize that there is an underlying issue. There is a reason why there is a magnetic pull towards each other. The people they attract are not always bad. Sometimes they are good people. Oftentimes, it’s someone with an agenda, other times Good Samaritans who just want to make a difference and lastly the group who has been on the other side of things and want to ensure that someone is guided to a better lifestyle.

The need to be lead, covered and seen will make you vulnerable to certain things or have you acting outside your character in fear of losing that individual. It’s dangerous posture where new behaviors and traits arise. You may find yourself trying to emulate that person, protect your new Savior by any means necessary. You become their cheerleader thinking you’re on their team. Slowly becoming obsessed and see no one else during the attachment phase. Manipulation becomes easy here as you become a pawn in their game movement.

Then there are those who feel the need to save the world, protect, and coddle or enable. Having a big heart is one thing but there are also limits and boundaries not to cross.  People with the “S” on their chest tend to be strong individuals who feel a sense of obligation to lead, protect, instruct, intervene, and sometimes meddle instead of mitigating. 

Everyone is not your assignment. Its imperative with a person of the helping nature to access before proceeding. Similar to CPR protocol, it advised to check if this will be detrimental to you. Not every interaction is mutually beneficial so proceed with caution. Its important to access what your limitations are, what you are willing to do and how far you are willing to put yourself out there? Ask yourself a few questions about your motive and purpose for involvement make informed decisions moving forward. Don’t sacrifice yourself or put yourself in harms way. Be mindful that everyone does not need saving and may abuse your benevolence and kind heart.

Both parties are faced with complexities. In all things, access your part and the purpose of involvement. Am I vulnerable? A good question for both sides to ask themselves and what’s my motive. There is nothing wrong with needing a little assistance or being a good person willing to assist but it can be disastrous when not done with discernment, wisdom, and insight.

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The Power of Exchange

When people think of exchange, they immediately think of it in its common context. A swapping or trading of one item for another typically something material. 

We also think of shopping, and how if something does not work; we return an item by giving back the original purchase (with a receipt of course) to replace it with something new. Overall, it is the act of giving and receiving.

What we least consider are treasures and gems. These are not physical gems but have great value. Wisdom, knowledge, sound advice, laughter, peace, prayer, and encouragement. We need to surround ourselves with people who understand the “pour”. Pouring into each other. This ensures that no one goes empty. If we are constantly inspiring and speaking life into each other, no one will be dry, vacant, deserted, abandoned, or even feel worthless.

Every time we come together it’s an exchange. Every conversation is an exchange. You give of your time, energy, and vice versa. Everyone leaves with something whether positive or negative. Things will not always be perfect but it’s imperative to know that your circle has substance. A circle of close ones who believe in the principle of honor. When things get challenging or tumultuous in your relationship; it can stand because it was founded on solid principles with a common perspective. 

Old folks used to say “show me your friends, and I will tell you who you are!” That adage is full of facts. If frequent association and affiliation gradually lead to assimilation, then it is safe to say that your “crew”, family, friends, associates are important. People do not have power over you. You make your own decisions; however, influence is quite powerful. Ask yourself, the people I frequently communicate and interact with…what exactly are we doing for each other? Are these relationships exchanging wealth, empowerment, and strength? How is this relationship mutually beneficial?

I am not discouraging you from mentoring. Some people are in our lives just to receive from us. I am not encouraging you to remove people from your life but to consider each relationship. To be aware of what is being exchanged. You should still love and respect people but also know when what is hurting you is also too close. I am encouraging you not to exchange your homeostasis of peace and other valuables for any relationship, it is not worth it. Get a grip on who is in your life and why. Remember, not every relationship will be an equal exchange, we are here to help others. Let’s just be wise and recognize when your

  1. pouring into a vessel full of holes
  2. pouring but never then left empty
  3. Pouring without reciprocation
  4. Pouring and being poured back into

It is time to take a deep dive into our interpersonal life and see how it affects us daily. Your mental health, business, success and so much more are dependent on it.

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Effective Leadership Pt.3

Insecurities & Leadership

We previously spoke about effective leadership and management styles. We have also discussed in depth the do’s and don’ts to leadership. Be sure to check those out.

My question to you today is… Are your emotions killing you professionally?  Too often, leadership is burning out and it’s their own hands. It’s when perspectives and level of self-importance are no longer tools but weapons.   

Whether a leader has a poor self-esteem or an exaggerated one, it affects everyone that they encounter and lead. Insecurities and egos are especially loud. Some leaders are too hung up and getting praises or playing on the emotions of others for empathy. They fail to delegate and run a one-man circus. They tend to take on more than they can handle. If things go wrong, they are quick to blame others or claim that their lack of assistance or the competence of the team is low. When success comes their way, the claim to have gotten to the result on their own. They are eager to receive accolades and high fives for their dedication and hard work. It’s a monster that is never satisfied despite the numerous awards and public recognition. This encourages staff not to work as hard or feel disregarded.

Insecure leadership is especially dangerous because these are the individuals who would put team members against each other. They often vie to create teams centered around on their relationships with others. They prefer to utilize those individuals who fail to correct their wrong or share the same morals and values. Insecure leaders often feel threatened by others and will create drama around others who do not agree with them. They manipulate, seek to control, rule by their opinions and emotions. They often compete with others to fill a void within and will do anything to manipulate, control and defame others.

It is paramount to heal and deal with personal matters. Emotional leadership is often people who set themselves on fire and then watch their team members encounter smoke inhalation. They end up being the cause and cure. The need for external validation will cause harm. We love to say that our professional and personal are separate but that’s not entirely true. The smoke of your personal will seep through barriers and small holes to attack the “lungs” of the innocent.

Insecure leadership will break up teams, visions, missions, organizations, loyalty and drive. And insecure Leader is one who manipulates, seeks control and rule by their emotions instead I’m using wisdom. Wisdom says train, organize, delegate and flow. 

Poor leadership personalities miss out in the joys and benefits of being able to impact, inspire and improve others. A confident and healthy leader will

  1. Teach & Mentor.
  2. Instruct
  3. Organize
  4. Have loyal team members.
  5. Brainstorm
  6. Empower & Impact.
  7. Have a shared vision.
  8.  Delegate
  9. Experience less stress.
  10. Express professional transparency

These leaders are more productive because they have time to focus on what’s important. They can take a stance in their role, make executive decisions and tend to be more focused. They are concerned about the overall well-being of those they are responsible for and their professional obligations. I admonish you, if your personal is starting to interfere with your professional, seek help NOW. If you are unsure, seek the feedback from trusted members who are not afraid to be open and honest with you. Don’t be ashamed to attend therapy or professional help. A better you means a better leader and only then, you can take the globe on by storm.

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Meddle, Mitigate and Mediate

Meddle, Mitigate and Mediate … What’s the Difference?

What a mouthful! These three actions are all unique in their own way. What makes the lines blurred are variated perspectives. All three can be misinterpreted due to motive and the nature of relationships.Some argue that they are all the same but there are thin lines between them all. Thanks to Google, we can dive right in with the definitions.

Meddle –to interest oneself in what is not one’s concern, interfere without right

Mitigate – to make less severe, serious, or painful

Mediate – intervene between people in a dispute in order to bring about an agreement or reconciliation.

One is proactive and the other two are reactive. Have you guessed which ones belong in which category? Being proactive is the ability to have sight. To foresee a situation getting out of hand and desiring to do something about it before it manifests. Proactive people mitigate. They are strategic people who have a certain finesse. This person has foresight, is very observant and exercises logic.

People who are reactive are often meddlers and people who aim to assist after a situation has already taken place which is to mediate the problem. These individuals are often emotional creatures who respond with what they feel is right whether the approach, timing and words are appropriate. They love hard and show their support by jumping in the middle with ones well being in mind.

Parents, significant others, close friends or peers often tend to jump ahead of reason and aim to defend. During a heated war, argument or intense situation, our emotions, feelings and even ego all rise like a volcano or some of us are a calm as lake. Regardless of your stance its about your response. The first things to consider is the nature of the situation. Do I take a side or a stand? Its imperative to take a moment to consider your values and proceed with caution. One would have to exercise much wisdom and have some ability to resolve conflict with ease.  

With taking a stand for what is right, it might put you in a diametrically opposed view from that one that you care for. Its imperative that we express care for others by being truthful and letting your moral compass take over. At this point, when a situation has already occurred it is best to figure out how to intervene and reconcile the issue. Consider if this is something you should be concerned with regardless of relation to the opposers, consider how your actions would trigger reactions and responses. Consider if your interference or will intensify the issue or bring some light and reason. If you can’t alleviate the situation and you don’t have influence over each side, then I would advise you to seek additional help. Professional help (in some cases) and to remain from getting in between. Sometimes environment has everything to do with the way in which you choose to intervene. Know your place, know the rules and/or procedures and  act accordingly,

Let’s recap. Ask yourself, which of the three postures do I embody? Is this setting professional or casual? Am I being proactive or reactive? Will me getting involved alleviate the situation in any way or cause a greater complication? Do I have some level of authority? Will getting involved put me in danger? Do I have something of great value to impart or do I just love the sound of my own voice? Am I bringing about change or do I just like being involved? What is my relationship to those involved and will my response destroy or affirm it?

There are so many things to consider before you decide to get invovled. Whether your the Good Samaritan, Superhero , friend or just a concerned bystander. Get to know the fine lines between each posture and abide by what you believe to be the right thing.

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Confusion and Relationships

Let’s start by defining confusion. Some call it drama, issues, problems created by a misinterpretation of information or lack thereof. Google provided this lovely rendition that states that is the lack of understanding. Its synonyms include unclear, uncertainty, unsure, bewilderment and perplexity.

We all heard it before. Communication is the answer to a crazy situation or confusion. Communication creates an avenue for clarity and enlightenment. One must be brave and mature enough to approach a situation seeking understanding. Many often just wish to get their point across without applying effective listening. Worst yet, others fill voids with assumptions.

Perspective is everything. Our perspectives are often shaped by our psychological and environmental conditioning. We are either coming to conclusions in our own minds or our experiences has shaped the way we define or interpret situations. The way you see things also complicates and magnifies a situation.

We must come to terms with a crossroad in every relationship. Do I wish to stay or to go? Whether or not someone means the world to you or not. Avoidance of a person or situation isn’t helping. Anyone you know ever saw things clearly by shutting their eyes? One must desire to handle things with civil or gracious manner. Regardless of what took place. I get it, respect is often earned and not just given but maturity says that some things are better off if you become the bigger person. The person of reason even if it means catching a bullet amid a heated war. When situations happen and you appear at that crossroads, you should know where you stand. Regardless of where you are in a relationship it should be our desire to gain clarity. Expressing how you feel respectfully is not a sin nor a broken law. The immature and insincere create assumptions or aim to control a narrative without facts. Too many times, we witness beautiful relationships become brief encounters all because no one was willing to seek out clarity. That moment of transparency to get things into perspective.

If someone means anything to you, it should never get out of hand. Communication should be constant and honest. Some level of integrity needs to be present to maintain any relationship whether its work related, a significant other, family member or a friend. Nothing you treasure should be dragged in muddy waters. A simple conversation is like a clean shower and a spa. There is a sense of relief and freedom that comes along with communication. Caring is sharing thoughts expressed with a measure of couth. If you care, you would never leave someone bewildered about a situation or unclear about where they stand with you. Communication says I am upset yet I am willing to speak. Effective communication is needed always. Look at Businesses or teams in general. How can people execute or accomplish anything without being united in clear vision? Whether your frustrated or betrayed, we all deserve a chance to speak our minds even if it’s to say goodbye. Question is, which lens are you seeing the situation through? Confusion is like an unwanted bookmark in a story that you have yet to finish. Clarity would remove all the questions and provide the right answers if we are willing to receive it.

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The Great Debate on Emotions

WARNING! This blog contains touchy subject matter!

For starters, let me make the bold statement of stating that Depression is not a choice!

This may be controversial for some of spiritual backgrounds or unique opinions. It is fine to be diametrically opposed respectfully. However, there are some that need to hear this. If you or someone you know suffers with anxiety or symptoms of depression, you already know how heavy this topic is.

What is depression exactly? It is a mood disorder that causes changes in temperament that may be gradual or sudden. It is a persistent or occasional feeling of suddenness and loss of interest. Depression is mental health disorder. Anything dealing with the brain affects the remainder of your body and does cause some health issues. There are some physical factors linked to depression as heart disease, drastic weight loss or gain, fatigue, hypothyroidism and much more.

According to my research over 264 million people suffer depression. That’s millions of people fighting through each day or certain seasons.  Depression can lead to suicide. Approximately 800,000 people commit suicide annually. Now that is a great number and I believe it can be preventable for most. Depression is enough to manage along not to mention the external complexities of life events and circumstances that add to it. The worst part of dealing with certain symptoms is judgement. Negative, dismissive, or judgmental comments coming from anyone is critical to someone in this state. You can push them away, cause them to shut down and even slip deeper into a whole. Many would argue that your words do nothing. As stated in a previous blog “Sticks and Stones” you will see that it is quite detrimental. How can we mitigate this? By support and kindness.  Now, I am not suggesting you walk on eggshells but to be considerate of the fragility of that person’s mind and emotions.Get them talking and try to find out their triggers. This would help your relationship greatly if you had an idea of senstive topics and/or situations.

The great debate has been the argument of the gene vs. the person. Sometimes it is both. Some people are predisposed to certain actions, symptoms, and behaviors. Others develop such symptoms in their juvenile state, adolescence and even adulthood. We all go through something where it might make you question your worth, existence, and purpose. However, it gets dangerous when you are hopeless and believe you would be doing everyone a favor by removing yourself permanently. Some experience trauma and have not appropriately dealt with such blows and continue to smile and occupy time and mental space with activities and work. Some burry themselves in their hobbies. Look at some of the greatest celebrities we know struggle with substance abuse, depression and the list continues on. They have everything it seems except happiness. They become perfectionist and exhibit other qualities where their profession is the core of their existence. It makes sense why some are distraught when their careers make left turns. The people to watch are not always the ones in the corner sulking. Contrary to most common belief, it is the person in charge of everything, dealing with pressure and responsibility. It’s the person smiling and fully functional. They are team players and most commonly creatives. We hear the saying “I am an Artist, and I am sensitive about my stuff!” Many are tired to their gifts and abilities.

Creatives, Artists, Leaders everyone deal with various levels of depression. Some people can bounce back faster than others. We often judge people by their leaves. Leaves are external and visible features. We rarely know or acknowledge the root. Many fail to go that deep to someone. All you have to do is to accept that these occurrences are real and your loved one or friend is not some hypochondriac seeking attention.

I am highly convinced that many depressed individuals are empaths. Everyone has a measure of empathy within. Unless you are a sociopath, you will feel something. However, empaths have the ability to embrace everything and feel everyone in their atmosphere. They are often sensitive and tend to be some of the most mindful, thoughtful, caring individuals. Many are emotionally intelligent and uniquely observant. There is a plethora of reasons why someone may be emotional or depressed. Not everyone can handle a million things thrown at them. I personally prefer to say that a person has a compromised resilience tolerance.

The truth is, many people who suffer with this illness absolutely hate the feeling. They desire to be upbeat and have stability. Nobody chooses to lose passion, desire and fire within the things they loved most. Nobody wants to cry themselves to sleep.Many who are severely depressed are often experience systems unbeknownst to many around them. The phrase “misery likes company!” Is Not true for all people. Facades are worn to dismiss judgement and labels. It is like feeling trapped in a box underwater and left to mental sharks who smell blood. We demonize, ostracize and citizen people who deal with such symptoms even if they are fully functional. I recommend that we make it acceptable to say, “I AM NOT OKAY!” and create windows and doors for assistance.

As the holiday’s quickly approach. I would encourage everyone to check in with everyone they know and love. Donate to the homeless and those less fortunate who must sit and watch the world shop and spread love and joy. Smiles, shopping, holiday décor does not mean that they are well either. Many who have lost loved ones or do not have families are often down during this season. They do not need a pity party what they need is someone sincere just to be there. “They say its better to give than to receive” so while we are amidst the giving season lets give priceless gifts like love, support, prayers and kindness.

Encourage yourself or others to seek help and be surrounded by positive things. Positivity can be a religious community, friends, loves ones or just fun amongst good people. I strong suggest seeking professional help. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone who can help you make sense of things as well as tap into your faith. As a Christian, I stress having a personal and honest relationship with God. Many may never understand what you’re dealing with but He does. You can be healed but you must be honest with the Celestial Doctor and tell Him where it hurts. Truth is, He is the remedy over any prescription a physician can subscribe.

Here are some resources and hotlines to call in case you ever should need someone

https://www.betterhelp.com/

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Abuse before Abuse

Simply put, abuse is defined as improper use or treatment. When it comes to relationships, everyone has different mental models. It is our lens of how we define and justify certain behaviors. Our mental models teach us to reject or accept behaviors and shapes our own behavior. It is our perspective based on our upbringing, past experiences.

For those predisposed to abuse, you are somewhat desensitized. You don’t realize how accustomed you are to certain traits. You may dislike certain things, but the process of acceptance tells you subconsciously that this is life, this is just the way things are. Maybe this is just the way things are meant for you. Its all a lie.

For others, its an initial shock; “the I cant believe they did…” moment. When you blame yourself for not defending yourself and acceptance of certain behaviors. Many are so desperate to be married or in a relationship that they keep lying to themselves thinking it will get better soon. He or she will and can change. They won’t don’t try to convince yourself.

There are several warning signs that we should be mindful of. A lot of times, physical abuse begins with verbal and mental control. If you can break someone down emotionally and mentally manipulate them, chances are you can move on to physical encounters.

Many abusers are great pretenders. They are socialites that know how to sweet talk and impress an entire room. They are charismatic and easy going. If anyone wherever to disclose poor behaviors, it would be hard to believe. The most dangerous people are not the ones with the obvious outburst but the secretive and private behaviors. In public, you will notice a drastic change in behavior. They are holding your hand, showing affection, sharing stories of your love and the charade is on like prime-time television. They may whisper sweet nothings in the moment and have what I call “photo op moments”. If something is being recorded or photos are taken, they know how to play their part. In private, you will notice their behavior switches right off. You do not have to say anything they are suddenly cold. Nothing you do is ever good enough for them. The praise they once sung disappears. They do not wish to be affectionate or kind with their words. Some words are often appalling and degrading.

Name calling is very prevalent, or you may you experience double sided compliments. Statements vary like “ You look pretty, tonight but you just gotta fix your teeth and you’ll be fine” to “You’re so lucky, I never date African American women, I only date Hispanic ones and for some reason I find you attractive. The list can go on and on. Those compliments are loaded with insults and they speak volumes as to the state of their heart and posture towards you.  Real love will never have you insecure where you were once confident, break you down or make you feel small. Love builds, encourages, and esteems highly.

Staring arguments where your always to blame, deflecting thier issues on you is a form of abuse.

Some abusers will embarrass you publicly and have you mentally controlled. They hold something above you to keep you in the relationship where you feel trapped and that this person in some way cares. You want to leave but then analyze other acts and convince yourself that this person is not all that bad.

Some abusive partners start fights with you or blames you for issues that have nothing to do with you directly. They will find a way to put the focus and attention back on you if ever challenged. Some who experience outburst also find a way to justify their actions and tell you if you had not have said or something wrong then they would have no reason to react this way. You are the trigger; you are the problem. Don’t hold your head down and don’t accept that. 

It’s okay to take a stand for yourself and be assertive in a conversation. Some partners believe in monologues where you are not allowed to express your displeasure or opinion. Those are sure signs of abuse. You may have never be physically struck but it is still abuse. Any form of psychological game or manipulation, verbal degradation (abrasiveness) or force will for any reason at all is ABUSE.

If just the thought of your partner coming close, coming home or being in your vicinity makes your nervous that is a neon flag not to ignore. Whether you are in a committed relationship or married, for someone to force themselves on you without consent is abuse. If they ignore your audible plead to cease an action and they justify forced sex as a duty or your obligation… I am so sorry to tell you this, but it is abuse. If they do not care about how you feel emotionally and physically it is a sure sign that this was not a match made in Heaven. It is safe to call it hell.

You don’t deserve this!!

Sometimes, abusers are great with words, they are often controlling and narcissists. Sometimes we look at a person’s history and say to ourselves “well they were abused as a child, I have to teach them how to love”. You cannot pour into anything with a lid. People like that are already full of their past and their own evil mental models that shaped their thinking. My friend Jeremiah Ware revamped the adage by saying “Hurt people, hurt people but {healed people help people}.” It is not your duty to heal anyone or attempt to help. They need divine and professional help to unpack whatever internal battles they are experiencing.

If any of this is hitting home, please seek help. There is no shame in wanting a better life. You deserve to be treated with respect. Whether or not you see yourself as valuable, please know that you are not stupid, ugly or undesirable. Everyone is worthy of love. You are not broken, you’re not a “hot mess”. You can experience real love but let it begin within.

Please reach out to a Clergy member, hotline, or center for abuse. Your voice matters don’t let your experiences put you in a box of shame. When life deals you a tough hand, its an opportunity to learn your own resilience and discover your own strength. Be well!

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Parenting and Planting

 “It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.” – Frederick Douglass

There’s an age old debate about how to raise children. There is no blueprint and there are no “Poster Parents” that exist to be the prime example. In fact, were all individuals with unique personalities. Each personality, when engaged has to be managed differently.

Everyone on this planet differs from another. Yes, society is so eager to bunch us together just to slap a label on our foreheads and call it a category. Were divided in many ways due to race, culture, zodiac signs and the list goes on. Division is one things externally but should never exist in your home. No one should be able to explain your child better than you. As children grow into adolesence they often become widthdrawn from thier parents and cling to thier peers. Sometimes its difficlut to have conversations or engage. However, I encourage you to keep trying. Teens and preteens my seem “Stoney” but at the end of the day they are just as eager to receive your love as the young ones are.

In this world of labels, children are fighting to find thier identity. There’s so much confusion and internal crisis wthin this area. Its important to provide space but not too much. They need monitoring and nuturing but like a plant there is no “cookie-cutter” template to care for agriculture. You must study the plant and figure out what works. They all need specific environments that are most beneficial to thier needs. What needs some may ask? That’s where we go wrong. Every child also has a love language and means of how they prefer to be addressed. My mother often yelled until she was informed that it only pushed me away. I explained how degraded I felt and expressed that I was mature enough for a conversation. When she began to talk to me things changed drastically. With another child, they would require a different form of interaction to get thier attention. For me, simple discussions did the trick so OBSERVE,LISTEN AND LEARN.

Many parents are stuck on thier version of how a child should be raised. Newsflash, what worked for your parents and even for you with another child may not be successful. Its time to analyze your parental style. Am I harsh, abbrassive, nuturing, loving or maybe a combition of things?. Balance is key but what happens when your culture dictates your behavior? Oftentimes within the West Indian community strict or harsh enviornments were fostered. They instilled fear into their children in order to instill manners and a host of other favorable characterstics. They figured the harsher the better your demeanor would be. They have passed that mentality on but it has backfired in numerous ways? Stated previously, that may not work for this generation or for your specific child, may not work for your child. You may hurt where you try to help so its important to do your homework. They are constantly shifting gears within phases and stages and may need a new approach. Are you a flexible parent?

A child who is nataurally loving and nuturing may find it rewarding to help you arround the house for in exchange of hugs, personal recognition and even affiramtion. If you are rough and tough and you rule with an iron fist, your child may be emotionally scared. This manifests in a number of ways. They can act out and bully and harm others, they may develop selfish behaviors to cope, they may be very cold and emotionally detached. To you, you beleive that your raising strong children who will not be bullied by life or people. Your goal may be reslilent in impenetrable children but they may find it hard to care for others. They may lack certain attributes like empathy, sympathy and even compassion. The age Scholarly fight of “nature vs. nurture” comes to mind. Would you produce carbon copies of yourself or would they break the mold and endeavor to be themselves and break away from the seeds you have sown? Will they become far worse? You don’t want to raise robots with the inability to create meaningful or deep interactions. Many children who are forced to be “strong” tend to assimilate to the harsh conditioning and later express difficulty connecting with others.

On the other hand, “babying” and sheltering them is causing more harm than good. They become comforatable living in a shell that is not exposed to real life scenarios or experiences. Coming to thier rescue and not allowing them to develop on thier own in crippling and when life truly introduces himself to your child, he is never a gentleman. This leaves them open for depression and a host of emotional a host of other issues. You cannot be their best friend either, lines of boundaries and respect go out the window or become blurry. Your new name will become Houston because you will have a problem.

A balance and consistency is key. Remember to keep your word. If they are punished, then do not take them out for ice cream immediately after like my Father did with me. If they are grounded then they serve their time without retracting. Many times, my father scolded me and felt bad about it. I was taken out to the famous “Taste the Tropics” icecream parlor in Brooklyn. Most times, I was taken after I had got in trouble. When I got straight A’s that would have been the ideal time to do that but he failed to grasp that concept. I was often confused about where he stood but was quite clear with my mom. Her yes were actual yes and her no was a definite no.

My parents failed to understand my love language. For me, it included words of affirmation, time and presence not just gifts or money. This is not a rant but an example. I love to see people live in harmony. Life is crazy on its own but when you enter your home there should be some peace and solace there.

One great mistake people make is comparison. They compare children to others both inside and outside of the home. Many who portray an image of being the “perfect child” or positive influence. Yes some children are amazing but keep in mind that “The definition of you will never be someone else”– Dr. Courtney M. Bradley. We forget that everyone has flaws and we are only called to be one thing in life, ourselves.

ITS THE LITTLE THINGS
Give them your ear literally and figuratively..

Children often look for references of thier parents in their curshes and people they date.Your child is often like a project. You make a hypthesis and do some resarch via trial and error. No one is perfect so mistakes are inevitable. Moral of the story, you must remember that your raising your child for the world not yourself, You should want to just be your best self to live as an example providing the right balance.They need grooming. Your boy or girl will be someones student, friend, spouse, business partner and leader one day.

“If we do not plant knowledge when young, it will give us no shade when we are old.” – Lord Chesterfield

While your planting just consider the fruit you would like to see as you sprinkle your own mixture of parental nutrients. Remember to know who your dealing with. Get to know your chiildren and develop consistency with conversation and engagement. Remember to be present, even if they were to push you away they will always remember those moments you stood by thier side. Please attend games, showcases etc. when you can. If you phsycially cant be with them, get creative and show them that they are supported. Encourage thier hobbies, dreams and assist with their goals. Ask God to show you thier potential to encourage and push where necessary. We all need a strong team in our corner to make it in this harsh world.

No one can tell you how to raise your child but just don’t believe you have it down packed. Ask God to provide the blueprint for your child.He alone knows whats best. They only have one childhood and its best to build them but you need the right tools. What environment, nutrients and tools does your child require to grow? Seek God in prayer and do your part of being actively enagaged and an effective LISTENER. Add prayer to your family time. Plant the word in their spirit. The Bible says in Proverbs 22:6 that they “will not depart” and its true. There is no need for force feed they will eventually build an that hunger later. Do not forget to plant your time, past experiences, support, encouragement, discovery, opinions, trust, and most of all LOVE and let God do the rest.

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Stealthing Plain and Simple

Warning. This specific blog post may be sensitive subject for some readers. Just in case your unfamiliar with the term, stealthing is simply unconcentual sexual activity.

In this case, it’s the removal of a contraceptive unbeknownst to your partner’s knowledge. It’s deliberate, intentional and most of all wrong. In most places it is considered to be a criminal act. Oftentimes, women blame ourselves for certain occurrences that are beyond her control. It is the responsibility of the condom wearer to dictate that he would prefer a more natural experience. The female is left open and vulnerable for STDs and unwanted pregnancy.

I’m here today just to tell someone who may hurt, confused or feel taken advantage of that it’s not your fault. You have every right to feel betrayed, hurt or violated. Your trust was disregarded . You may blame yourself or feel alone. This is not a subject often discussed. Stealthing can produce devastating results not just physically but emotionally and psychologically. There is a long range of negative effects such as depression, increased anxiety and PTSD.

If you feel as though this happened to you, please alert someone who is capable to help. Obtain counseling services if necessary and take time to heal. You didn’t deserve this. You deserve to be treated with the upmost respect never forget that. Don’t worry, I survived this trauma and you can too. Don’t ever be ashamed of your story. You don’t know who you can help heal by telling your truth from a healed perspective.

#Womens rights #consent #stealthing #intercourse

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One Word, Direction

One word from a person with pure intentions for you to live your best life can change your life! Yes, that was a mouthful but I couldn’t say it any other way. Beyonce asks the question “Who runs the world?” followed by a response of “girls!” but to me its WRITERS!!!

Let me explain. Writers construct the greatest speeches of all time. Many of which altered and shaped our history, nation, and the world at large. Writers evoke feelings, provide fantasy, and escape. They inspire the masses on various platforms. Writers affect our educations create laws, composed your favorite song and list goes on and on.

When someone gives great advice, that moment of inspiration and direction can shift the trajectory of your entire life. For example, my Mentor Dr. Courtney M. Bradley said, “Every day, do something about what God told you!” We all have a purpose and a destiny to fulfill. Some are still in search of clarity others are well on their way and on route. Regardless we all arrive in the timing of God. We are not our own so do not ever feel behind time or far off from where you need to be. I call Gods guidance the real G.P.S. Its Gods Positioning System of direction, instructions, and inspiration. No matter what obstacles encompasses you just know that you have a compass that would never let you go too far or lead you astray. You can rely and trust Him wholeheartedly. He has a plan for our lives (an expected end… Jeremiah 29:11) Circling back to Mr. Bradley’s quote, that statement shapes my morning thought process. Do not just get up in the literal sense but get up in life. Do a little every day. I realize that I am a person with BIG dreams, and I want to take these massive leaps, but some things require baby steps before I can take longer strides and eventually leaps.

Phenomenal individuals with great vision and wisdom happen to be writers, orators and motivational speakers influence our spheres of influence. My question to you is what words do you wake up to? Are there any words that confront you? Any words affect your habits or your daily activities?

Your vision should have words that point you forward. They say that “you are what you eat”. Every time you have a conversation with someone or have an internal monologue just know it’s an exchange of sorts. You are being fed in that exchange just make sure its something positive and nurturing that can propel you forward. Until next time stay positive, surround yourself with those who speak from a posture of health, create vision boards, utilize post-its with quotes and get yourself set up to live the life you desire to live.