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Sweet on You

I’m Sweet On You

From childhood to adulthood, most of us crave something savory, rich, creamy, and sweet. The sales grow by at least 5% worldwide and it’s all for ice cream. Ice cream serves as a treat, an escape, a snack, a dessert, a mood booster, and most certainly a comfort food.

Your taste buds may go from simple to an expanded pallet, but it will always be something to crave whether it’s a heat wave or cold outside. We all have our preferences in flavors and serving options. Some like vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and even exotic flavors. Others like it fried, as a milkshake, some out of a bowl, some on a cone, and others straight out of the container. There are others who focus on texture and feel and prefer it hard, soft, or even melted.  Regardless of how you like it, you just have to have it.

Coldstones is a popular crematory ice cream chain. You get a customized order of your liking. You choose everything from the size and toppings; you can choose from signatures or design your own, it is a true experience. One thing I have always loved was the sizing options, it’s labeled creatively. The three basic sizes are “like it”, “love it” and “gotta have it” which to me gives a sensual connotation. More than your typical reference but truly reminds me of sex.

Nothing’s taboo here, we all like “ice cream”. Think about the description, how we prefer it to be served, favors, sizes, and more. Your mind can run wild here but there’s something special I gained from reviewing the sizes. In relationships, we either come in with preferences or attain them along with way with experience. Your body will speak to you about the levels of sex and intimacy you crave. Many relationships fall apart for several reasons and one major one is a unsatisfied partner. While intimacy, quality time, and other aspects of a relationship are essential for growth, security, and longevity; connectivity plays a major role. Your hormones control your moods and many aspects of your personal life and permeate into the pores of your relationship. Many people will tell you that things started to go downhill after their sex life began suffering.

It’s imperative to ask hard and sometimes intrusive questions while dating or courting. You need to know what your partner’s needs and desires are. Not always will they match a hundred percent but it’s good insight. Use that detail to make an informed decision about your future together. For instance, let’s go back to the Coldstones measurements LIKE IT. LOVE IT. GOTTA HAEIT. A partner who merely enjoys sex linked with a partner who has to have it is going to struggle a bit. One partner may feel unsatisfied or if not spoken about internalize the body language as a rejection. Others may feel that one partner is too focused on sex and that other things do not matter to them which could be completely wrong. Your mismatched libidos (sex drives) can cause a dilemma and much frustration. There is a thing called sex drive discrepancy (SDD) when partners experience different levels or a different frequency of sexual activity. It’s like wanting to share your ice cream with your lover but they are lactose intolerant. This may not mean that you are with the wrong person. However, it does mean it’s something to discuss.

Communication should be paramount in your relationship. Couples should consider this topic while calm and when both partners are ready to be transparent. I would suggest before becoming intimate, so you have an idea of what you’re walking into. If I had to go somewhere temporarily, I would pack for it, which calls for preparation. You need to do some research, is it cold or hot? How do I brace myself for my intended experience? Be prepared to actively listen and communicate your needs unapologetically, discuss your levels of freakiness or openness (a whole other discussion), safe words, and things you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with. Discuss what makes you feel appreciated, and what feels good, and define what pleasure means to you. Don’t give up on each other, be patient, find common ground if you can, and work on meeting in the middle. Remember that ninety percent of communication is non-verbal and what you don’t discuss is left up to your partner’s imagination, assumption, and misinterpretation. Having a healthy relationship includes all aspects of your relationship being addressed. Let your partner feel and know that you’re sweet on them! Enjoy your sweet treat!

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Sonic the Hedgehog Movie Review

I believe that the Sonic the Hedgehog movie was more than just your averaged feel-good movie filled with action and adventure. There is an undertone of understanding your power and the power of acceptance.

The Hedgehog named Sonic is the main character. He grows up sheltered because he was born gifted and couldn’t control or understand his power nor the way the world worked. He was able to use his gift and master skills but he had much to learn about life, interaction with others, social cues, and the perception of danger.

After losing a parent tragically, he has to grow up fast taking care of himself and living in the shadows. Hiding to keep his gifts from being exposed in fear of being captured. I learned that powerful people will always have a target on their backs. People who are different aren’t understood, they are first judged. There is another group of people who are eager to control, manipulate, and use those who are different or vulnerable  in order to feel powerful. Have you ever noticed that most villains had some tragic life event they never healed from? They end up bitter and evil and that’s where narcissism, evil, arrogance, and world domination come from. Most villains wear their insecurities as garments to seek control and simultaneously revenge by projecting their feelings onto the innocent.

Sonic dealt with just that. An evil dominating figure who used technology and achievements to create a grandiose self-image to mask his low self-worth and past. Sonic was seen as an outsider and a threat.  He was pursued but what the mad scientist didn’t understand was the power of acceptance and community. Sonic developed a trusting relationship and was genuinely loved and accepted. Someone took time to know him and see him for who he was. They didn’t want to consume or smother his gifts but teach him how to operate in wisdom and discretion.

They also taught him balance. He got the lesson of a lifetime by learning that “all his life he didn’t have to fight” (or in this case run). There was no longer a need for a “ring of escape” with a “ring of support”. Someone had his back this time, finally, he was not alone. He can finally pause and slow down. His friends welcomed him into their lives, home, family, and most of all hearts and that’s what the real connection was about. Fur or skin they connected on human values and issues and established common ground. We all need that to go where we are loved and settle where we are accepted. I learned that inclusion and equity are not the same. One action says “I’m tolerating your presence” while the other boldly proclaims that “you are welcome and have a place here”.

“there was no longer a need for a ring of escape with a ring of support!”

Sonic participated in the exchange of love, friendship, and acceptance. He taught others that what they thought of as mundane, or average was something special and to be grateful. He had a new perspective on life and the world the humans lived in within the small town. What he witnessed was trust, honor and community and he highlighted the fat that they should never take it for granted. Sonic was privileged to experience what most crave, a healthy relationship. I have a few questions for you…

  1. Are the people in your life reciprocating love and support?
  2. Are you in an environment where you are accepted?
  3. Is your voice respected? and is there autonomy?
  4. Do you feel seen, heard, and understood?
  5. Do you feel safe and protected?
  6. Are there balanced relationships?
  7. What do you define as a healthy community?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, what would you do to change it? We’re not going to make it in this world alone. We need the right people to endure challenges, help us realize our full potential, grow and accept the dreams really do come true.

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Happy Wife, Happy Life

“Happy wife, happy life!” is an old adage that seems to be widely accepted but should be reevaluated. Initially, it was created with the connotation that if your partner is happy then ultimately, you will be too. That’s wise! However, when I think of this phrase; it paints a picture of this subservient, emasculated male ignoring his boundaries, autonomy, voice and opinion all for the sake of saving his marriage.

It’s safe to say that many believe that once a woman seemed to be pleased and has some form of control, then the marriage is successful. Although an antiquated belief that men are the head of the household, whatever happened to a partnership perspective? Pardon me, but nothing is truly successful unless there are mutual benefactors.

Healthy relationships are not the absence of opposition or conflict but rather measured by the strength to overcome as a unit. It’s okay to have diametrically opposed views. One does not need to become “small” or hide a perspective because it will upset another. Your partner should validate your feelings as well as respect your view. We are individuals, no human is exactly alike, and our life experiences, values and world views are not going to be identical either. It does not matter how compatible you are. At some point, you’re going to disagree.

We can no longer accept self-abandonment to replace relational intelligence. Everyone needs relational skills, but it should begin with yourself. Knowing your needs and acknowledging them is a healthy mental state. Being able to say “no” and self-advocate are necessary because all of our needs and voice matters. If you feel the need to silence yourself or just acquiesce to keep the peace, then there are some greater issues in that relationship to explore. This form of behavior can also be patronizing and harmful. The “whatever you say” attitude will build up like a volcano and eventually explode regardless of your patience and tolerance levels. There is no way an individual can live happily always having to digress. Don’t get me wrong, we must be wise in choosing our battles and be conscious of when to compromise. The ability to discern which road to take is for healthy people in healthy relationships. This is for the folks in the back with no voice, leadership, joy, peace or respect. Men need safety and care too. Women were not the only ones born with emotions and feelings. Men are often taught to be strong to become the epitome of a man, but that has created pain, facades and anguish.

If you feel the need to prioritize your partners feelings by forsaking yours as lifestyle then you must seek counseling. Get help because there is a lack of security on all fronts. It could be that your partner is not a safe space, or you never been in a safe place and have difficulty exploring this new freedom. You matter, your mental and emotional health matters. KNOW that the state of your relationship needs to be a safe and nurturing environment that makes health its sole priority. Be well, live well!