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Happy Wife, Happy Life

“Happy wife, happy life!” is an old adage that seems to be widely accepted but should be reevaluated. Initially, it was created with the connotation that if your partner is happy then ultimately, you will be too. That’s wise! However, when I think of this phrase; it paints a picture of this subservient, emasculated male ignoring his boundaries, autonomy, voice and opinion all for the sake of saving his marriage.

It’s safe to say that many believe that once a woman seemed to be pleased and has some form of control, then the marriage is successful. Although an antiquated belief that men are the head of the household, whatever happened to a partnership perspective? Pardon me, but nothing is truly successful unless there are mutual benefactors.

Healthy relationships are not the absence of opposition or conflict but rather measured by the strength to overcome as a unit. It’s okay to have diametrically opposed views. One does not need to become “small” or hide a perspective because it will upset another. Your partner should validate your feelings as well as respect your view. We are individuals, no human is exactly alike, and our life experiences, values and world views are not going to be identical either. It does not matter how compatible you are. At some point, you’re going to disagree.

We can no longer accept self-abandonment to replace relational intelligence. Everyone needs relational skills, but it should begin with yourself. Knowing your needs and acknowledging them is a healthy mental state. Being able to say “no” and self-advocate are necessary because all of our needs and voice matters. If you feel the need to silence yourself or just acquiesce to keep the peace, then there are some greater issues in that relationship to explore. This form of behavior can also be patronizing and harmful. The “whatever you say” attitude will build up like a volcano and eventually explode regardless of your patience and tolerance levels. There is no way an individual can live happily always having to digress. Don’t get me wrong, we must be wise in choosing our battles and be conscious of when to compromise. The ability to discern which road to take is for healthy people in healthy relationships. This is for the folks in the back with no voice, leadership, joy, peace or respect. Men need safety and care too. Women were not the only ones born with emotions and feelings. Men are often taught to be strong to become the epitome of a man, but that has created pain, facades and anguish.

If you feel the need to prioritize your partners feelings by forsaking yours as lifestyle then you must seek counseling. Get help because there is a lack of security on all fronts. It could be that your partner is not a safe space, or you never been in a safe place and have difficulty exploring this new freedom. You matter, your mental and emotional health matters. KNOW that the state of your relationship needs to be a safe and nurturing environment that makes health its sole priority. Be well, live well!

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Hero Complexities

Two sides to a Superhero complex. The one who desires to save the world and the one who needs saving.

One who needs to be saved is typically eager to cling to anyone for their moment of crisis or uncertainty. They need a moment to feel safe, seen, and protected. Oftentimes you will notice that this person has endured some type of loss, trauma, rejection, betrayal, or a wild combination of it all. They have had a hard life full of unfortunate circumstances, conditions, and unkind people.

 This person is vulnerable, sometimes gullible, and would do anything just to say that they have someone on their side. This is not a bad trait. Wanted to be accepted, covered and heard by someone is an innate human response. We are all born with the innate desire to connect, feel accepted, appreciated, and have a sense of belonging. However, on the flip side of things it’s not their fault but somehow seem to keep attracting the worse kind of people. When people recognize your desperation to belong, they would take advantage.

Many who never had a solid level of security or love early on in life tend to fall in various categories:

  • Prey- easy to manipulate, abuse and control.
  • Stoic – a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining; tolerant
  • Emotional – Ran and controlled by feelings as opposed to facts.
  • Anxious – anxiety is their GPS
  • Balanced – accepted their life events but use them as a tool to propel them forward. The highest level of relational intelligence is exhibited here.

The distressed may encounter an amazing individual(s) but the people they attract don’t realize that there is a magnetic pull. This relationship oftentimes exposes a deeper issue. It’s an attraction to people who need help because you either feel you need to save the world or can relate and operate under sympathy.

Many don’t often recognize that there is an underlying issue. There is a reason why there is a magnetic pull towards each other. The people they attract are not always bad. Sometimes they are good people. Oftentimes, it’s someone with an agenda, other times Good Samaritans who just want to make a difference and lastly the group who has been on the other side of things and want to ensure that someone is guided to a better lifestyle.

The need to be lead, covered and seen will make you vulnerable to certain things or have you acting outside your character in fear of losing that individual. It’s dangerous posture where new behaviors and traits arise. You may find yourself trying to emulate that person, protect your new Savior by any means necessary. You become their cheerleader thinking you’re on their team. Slowly becoming obsessed and see no one else during the attachment phase. Manipulation becomes easy here as you become a pawn in their game movement.

Then there are those who feel the need to save the world, protect, and coddle or enable. Having a big heart is one thing but there are also limits and boundaries not to cross.  People with the “S” on their chest tend to be strong individuals who feel a sense of obligation to lead, protect, instruct, intervene, and sometimes meddle instead of mitigating. 

Everyone is not your assignment. Its imperative with a person of the helping nature to access before proceeding. Similar to CPR protocol, it advised to check if this will be detrimental to you. Not every interaction is mutually beneficial so proceed with caution. Its important to access what your limitations are, what you are willing to do and how far you are willing to put yourself out there? Ask yourself a few questions about your motive and purpose for involvement make informed decisions moving forward. Don’t sacrifice yourself or put yourself in harms way. Be mindful that everyone does not need saving and may abuse your benevolence and kind heart.

Both parties are faced with complexities. In all things, access your part and the purpose of involvement. Am I vulnerable? A good question for both sides to ask themselves and what’s my motive. There is nothing wrong with needing a little assistance or being a good person willing to assist but it can be disastrous when not done with discernment, wisdom, and insight.

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Life’s a Classroom

Love is more than an emotion, it’s a skill!

According to my Mentor, Dr. Courtney M. Bradley relationships can be metaphorically compared to classrooms. It’s a place where learning and understanding are put to the test. A place where growth is both optional and speculative. You have to choose growth and your definition of what growth looks like is your own. It’s the place where participation is necessary to enhance your learning experience. A place where one can be on repeat with the promotion in doubt and outgrow a space because they sat there too long with delayed understanding. Bradley spoke about “failing grades”. As you sit in Life’s classroom, it’s critical to really pay attention. Get all the lessons you need to learn and use them to propel you forward as you become better and not bitter. If you are not growing, then you are considered unhealthy. Growth should be inevitable, but we allow ourselves to be stagnated and be delayed. When aspects don’t experience growth, it’s considered to be disabled. This means that there is a slowing or lack of progression. Ask yourself if your love is healthy or disabled?

Bradley also mentioned summer school. Summer school is an intensive course with a limited time frame. It’s the thick of it the heat is up. The time when ultimatums are high in your environment. The pressure is on. It’s quick and you need to make up for lost time or forfeit progression. A short amount of time to get it together because you took the other seasons you had together for granted. The last thing you want to do is get frozen in this position. Like Toni Morrison, it can be “the coldest winter” skipping over the fact that you fell in love. Only hoping to spring into the new but you first must be new. 

When class is in session. Your chances of passing are great when you have the right tools, instruction, and opportunity.  You must be intentional about success and also aware of your level of competency. Is your love of geometrics aligned? Can you do the math to add up what’s been going on? Are you able to take away selfishness? Are you capable of diving your time? Is your parent thesis blocking your communication? Are issues exaggerated to the tenth power? Is forgiveness exponentially displayed? How about your tools? Do you pencil in dates still? Are you allowing God to be the protractor and compass? If so to what degree?

Are you attentive? Are the fruit of the spirit in your possession? What’s in your bag? What you carry around so walks volumes to your preparedness for success. 

With the right tools, guidance, and willingness to learn, you’ll do more than survive, you’ll thrive. There are so many ways you can pass the test of time. With the option of the open book exams. When information is not width drawn or withheld but you must do the work to search. A willingness to take time to scan and observe so you can absorb. Another option for passing is by asking questions, being honest about shortcomings, and requesting assistance. This may require your partner to overcome while they tutor you or give instructions. Nobody has it all together so it’s imperative to approach each classroom with a growth mindset and not a fixed one. A fixed mindset thinks they have reached the pinnacle and do not expand or learn more. They believe their ability to expand and broaden their perspective is set in stone. If you don’t believe you can acquire more knowledge, then you won’t. Not being teachable is a poor trait and just when you’re out to the test you feel vulnerable and exposed. 

Some projects require a partner and others a solo act. Our problem is we want to switch behaviors that don’t match what is expected. Each assignment comes with instructions. It’s up to us to make the effort to read or study the material. When your classmate has a question, do you dismiss it or use it as an opportunity for growth or to provide insight? How do you handle your environment? 

There are different types of learners, and we must expect that from our partners. Don’t think of yourself as an AP student and your partner in remedial. Even the Plainfield in your heart and mind. Your partner may not understand things the way you do and may require extra time. What’s your level of patience like? 

We must major in the art of not knowing (Bishop T.D. Jakes) but minor in ourselves (levels of pride). The only way to gain an understanding of the next is to submit it to the teacher. To yield to the environment, do your part and take assignments seriously. Be transparent about what you don’t know or haven’t been exposed to. Establish a routine and find strategies. Remember participation can be 50% of your grade. So don’t just show up but be “present”. Lastly, you’re not taking this class alone so let commutation be a driving force with your study buddy and earn the accolades together.