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Life’s a Classroom

Love is more than an emotion, it’s a skill!

According to my Mentor, Dr. Courtney M. Bradley relationships can be metaphorically compared to classrooms. It’s a place where learning and understanding are put to the test. A place where growth is both optional and speculative. You have to choose growth and your definition of what growth looks like is your own. It’s the place where participation is necessary to enhance your learning experience. A place where one can be on repeat with the promotion in doubt and outgrow a space because they sat there too long with delayed understanding. Bradley spoke about “failing grades”. As you sit in Life’s classroom, it’s critical to really pay attention. Get all the lessons you need to learn and use them to propel you forward as you become better and not bitter. If you are not growing, then you are considered unhealthy. Growth should be inevitable, but we allow ourselves to be stagnated and be delayed. When aspects don’t experience growth, it’s considered to be disabled. This means that there is a slowing or lack of progression. Ask yourself if your love is healthy or disabled?

Bradley also mentioned summer school. Summer school is an intensive course with a limited time frame. It’s the thick of it the heat is up. The time when ultimatums are high in your environment. The pressure is on. It’s quick and you need to make up for lost time or forfeit progression. A short amount of time to get it together because you took the other seasons you had together for granted. The last thing you want to do is get frozen in this position. Like Toni Morrison, it can be “the coldest winter” skipping over the fact that you fell in love. Only hoping to spring into the new but you first must be new. 

When class is in session. Your chances of passing are great when you have the right tools, instruction, and opportunity.  You must be intentional about success and also aware of your level of competency. Is your love of geometrics aligned? Can you do the math to add up what’s been going on? Are you able to take away selfishness? Are you capable of diving your time? Is your parent thesis blocking your communication? Are issues exaggerated to the tenth power? Is forgiveness exponentially displayed? How about your tools? Do you pencil in dates still? Are you allowing God to be the protractor and compass? If so to what degree?

Are you attentive? Are the fruit of the spirit in your possession? What’s in your bag? What you carry around so walks volumes to your preparedness for success. 

With the right tools, guidance, and willingness to learn, you’ll do more than survive, you’ll thrive. There are so many ways you can pass the test of time. With the option of the open book exams. When information is not width drawn or withheld but you must do the work to search. A willingness to take time to scan and observe so you can absorb. Another option for passing is by asking questions, being honest about shortcomings, and requesting assistance. This may require your partner to overcome while they tutor you or give instructions. Nobody has it all together so it’s imperative to approach each classroom with a growth mindset and not a fixed one. A fixed mindset thinks they have reached the pinnacle and do not expand or learn more. They believe their ability to expand and broaden their perspective is set in stone. If you don’t believe you can acquire more knowledge, then you won’t. Not being teachable is a poor trait and just when you’re out to the test you feel vulnerable and exposed. 

Some projects require a partner and others a solo act. Our problem is we want to switch behaviors that don’t match what is expected. Each assignment comes with instructions. It’s up to us to make the effort to read or study the material. When your classmate has a question, do you dismiss it or use it as an opportunity for growth or to provide insight? How do you handle your environment? 

There are different types of learners, and we must expect that from our partners. Don’t think of yourself as an AP student and your partner in remedial. Even the Plainfield in your heart and mind. Your partner may not understand things the way you do and may require extra time. What’s your level of patience like? 

We must major in the art of not knowing (Bishop T.D. Jakes) but minor in ourselves (levels of pride). The only way to gain an understanding of the next is to submit it to the teacher. To yield to the environment, do your part and take assignments seriously. Be transparent about what you don’t know or haven’t been exposed to. Establish a routine and find strategies. Remember participation can be 50% of your grade. So don’t just show up but be “present”. Lastly, you’re not taking this class alone so let commutation be a driving force with your study buddy and earn the accolades together.

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Forgive the Abuse

THE ROOT OF THE PAIN

There are two quotes that I despise with great passion. The famous sarcastic statement of “It’s not rocket science” and “I’m hard on you because I want you to be better than me!”. I started hearing it more often and found myself to be highly irritated. I needed to do some digging to find out why. After some reflection, I realized that it was not the person. It traced back to the root of pain where those statements were so rudely introduced.

Emotional and verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Although bruises, broken bones, wounds, and cuts heal, words often don’t. If you don’t believe me, ask a therapist. You can carry verbal scars for a lifetime. They are not a badge of honor or survival. They are like chronic health issues that become a part of your daily life and “act up” when triggered. Words can replay in your psyche (soul, mind, and spirit) and be a hindrance in various parts of your life.
Both cases of abuse are severe instances that hinder your ability to trust, be open and vulnerable, leaves a residue of insecurity. Oftentimes we think we “got over it” but then memories infuriate you and cause you to do or say something you can potentially regret. Many experience difficulties loving and embracing, you may experience PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder is just the beginning. There are panic attacks for comments and circumstances that mirror what you have been through. You may be short-tempered and eager to protect yourself and violent. You may have walls up, become sarcastic, live in survival mode, and experience self-sabotage. There are a host of repercussions and varied effects.
After the deep soul search, I realized I was introduced to these quotes from a family member who I loved dearly but never really could determine if the love was ever reciprocated. I realized years later that person was hurting too. They were broken and had to be strong despite what they had to endure. I admire their strength but now I had to let go of those things because words are anchors. While you’re considering going in a different direction, your ship is unable to move because those comments have more weight than you would like to admit. Forgiveness isn’t for them but it’s for us to be free and not give our power away. I know it’s hard for some to consider but it’s the truth. Some things have to be squished, sliced, and dissected so you can enjoy the fruit or the flavor. Well, forgiveness has a fragrance and taste that is indescribable and liberating.
I realized that forgiveness is an art. Even in the Bible, it taught about forgiving seventy times seven for one individual (Matthew 18:22). It means that people will offend you and it may be multiple times. I’m not saying to be someone’s fool, but they may mess up more than once as infallible beings. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, you are not “Soft” but being the bigger person who exercises much grace. We must learn to establish boundaries without damaging others and ourselves.
Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), but it also heals. Look at stray abused dogs. They may want to attack when you attempt to rescue them but it’s like wow look at what they endured. You must give it some time.

“Your assignment will most likely bite you before they bless you,” said Dr. Courtney M. Bradley. People are imperfect and will mess up more times than they can count. Haven’t we done something things numerous times before we got it right?… but yet we are forgiven. The Bible talks about forgiveness being done seventy times seven. If you do the math, it’s 490 times. Most folks would be like who going to sit back and allow someone to offend or attack me that much?. People will be people, and some are trapped in their world of pain-causing havoc. We are so eager to cut people off. If you fire people from a job without an exit interview or some form of explanation there is no lesson learned just recycled behaviors. We end up being stuck in emotions like a bookmark in a dramatic novel. God doesn’t want us to be fooled but to live free. Forgiveness is art for self-liberation we must practice. You may never get that deserved apology but still…practice. When memories offend, forgive again. Keep practicing. “Forgiveness is a fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it”- Mark Twain. I desire to be a fragrance before God that he can be pleased with where beauty is revealed even in pressing times. Understand that people who are abused express what they have been suppressing. YOU are not anyone’s punching bag. You are not called to be the one in the way of projective behavior. It’s a sad cycle but I am learning to have more compassion than I did in times past. Thing’s people say will cut deep but know that you loved and love yourself enough to live through it and surpass it. Have that hard conversation but don’t dwell there, don’t give negativity more life and power. You win just by being your awesome authentic self. Let it all go so you won’t have to live hindered and on defense.

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Effective Leadership Pt.3

Insecurities & Leadership

We previously spoke about effective leadership and management styles. We have also discussed in depth the do’s and don’ts to leadership. Be sure to check those out.

My question to you today is… Are your emotions killing you professionally?  Too often, leadership is burning out and it’s their own hands. It’s when perspectives and level of self-importance are no longer tools but weapons.   

Whether a leader has a poor self-esteem or an exaggerated one, it affects everyone that they encounter and lead. Insecurities and egos are especially loud. Some leaders are too hung up and getting praises or playing on the emotions of others for empathy. They fail to delegate and run a one-man circus. They tend to take on more than they can handle. If things go wrong, they are quick to blame others or claim that their lack of assistance or the competence of the team is low. When success comes their way, the claim to have gotten to the result on their own. They are eager to receive accolades and high fives for their dedication and hard work. It’s a monster that is never satisfied despite the numerous awards and public recognition. This encourages staff not to work as hard or feel disregarded.

Insecure leadership is especially dangerous because these are the individuals who would put team members against each other. They often vie to create teams centered around on their relationships with others. They prefer to utilize those individuals who fail to correct their wrong or share the same morals and values. Insecure leaders often feel threatened by others and will create drama around others who do not agree with them. They manipulate, seek to control, rule by their opinions and emotions. They often compete with others to fill a void within and will do anything to manipulate, control and defame others.

It is paramount to heal and deal with personal matters. Emotional leadership is often people who set themselves on fire and then watch their team members encounter smoke inhalation. They end up being the cause and cure. The need for external validation will cause harm. We love to say that our professional and personal are separate but that’s not entirely true. The smoke of your personal will seep through barriers and small holes to attack the “lungs” of the innocent.

Insecure leadership will break up teams, visions, missions, organizations, loyalty and drive. And insecure Leader is one who manipulates, seeks control and rule by their emotions instead I’m using wisdom. Wisdom says train, organize, delegate and flow. 

Poor leadership personalities miss out in the joys and benefits of being able to impact, inspire and improve others. A confident and healthy leader will

  1. Teach & Mentor.
  2. Instruct
  3. Organize
  4. Have loyal team members.
  5. Brainstorm
  6. Empower & Impact.
  7. Have a shared vision.
  8.  Delegate
  9. Experience less stress.
  10. Express professional transparency

These leaders are more productive because they have time to focus on what’s important. They can take a stance in their role, make executive decisions and tend to be more focused. They are concerned about the overall well-being of those they are responsible for and their professional obligations. I admonish you, if your personal is starting to interfere with your professional, seek help NOW. If you are unsure, seek the feedback from trusted members who are not afraid to be open and honest with you. Don’t be ashamed to attend therapy or professional help. A better you means a better leader and only then, you can take the globe on by storm.

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The Great Debate on Emotions

WARNING! This blog contains touchy subject matter!

For starters, let me make the bold statement of stating that Depression is not a choice!

This may be controversial for some of spiritual backgrounds or unique opinions. It is fine to be diametrically opposed respectfully. However, there are some that need to hear this. If you or someone you know suffers with anxiety or symptoms of depression, you already know how heavy this topic is.

What is depression exactly? It is a mood disorder that causes changes in temperament that may be gradual or sudden. It is a persistent or occasional feeling of suddenness and loss of interest. Depression is mental health disorder. Anything dealing with the brain affects the remainder of your body and does cause some health issues. There are some physical factors linked to depression as heart disease, drastic weight loss or gain, fatigue, hypothyroidism and much more.

According to my research over 264 million people suffer depression. That’s millions of people fighting through each day or certain seasons.  Depression can lead to suicide. Approximately 800,000 people commit suicide annually. Now that is a great number and I believe it can be preventable for most. Depression is enough to manage along not to mention the external complexities of life events and circumstances that add to it. The worst part of dealing with certain symptoms is judgement. Negative, dismissive, or judgmental comments coming from anyone is critical to someone in this state. You can push them away, cause them to shut down and even slip deeper into a whole. Many would argue that your words do nothing. As stated in a previous blog “Sticks and Stones” you will see that it is quite detrimental. How can we mitigate this? By support and kindness.  Now, I am not suggesting you walk on eggshells but to be considerate of the fragility of that person’s mind and emotions.Get them talking and try to find out their triggers. This would help your relationship greatly if you had an idea of senstive topics and/or situations.

The great debate has been the argument of the gene vs. the person. Sometimes it is both. Some people are predisposed to certain actions, symptoms, and behaviors. Others develop such symptoms in their juvenile state, adolescence and even adulthood. We all go through something where it might make you question your worth, existence, and purpose. However, it gets dangerous when you are hopeless and believe you would be doing everyone a favor by removing yourself permanently. Some experience trauma and have not appropriately dealt with such blows and continue to smile and occupy time and mental space with activities and work. Some burry themselves in their hobbies. Look at some of the greatest celebrities we know struggle with substance abuse, depression and the list continues on. They have everything it seems except happiness. They become perfectionist and exhibit other qualities where their profession is the core of their existence. It makes sense why some are distraught when their careers make left turns. The people to watch are not always the ones in the corner sulking. Contrary to most common belief, it is the person in charge of everything, dealing with pressure and responsibility. It’s the person smiling and fully functional. They are team players and most commonly creatives. We hear the saying “I am an Artist, and I am sensitive about my stuff!” Many are tired to their gifts and abilities.

Creatives, Artists, Leaders everyone deal with various levels of depression. Some people can bounce back faster than others. We often judge people by their leaves. Leaves are external and visible features. We rarely know or acknowledge the root. Many fail to go that deep to someone. All you have to do is to accept that these occurrences are real and your loved one or friend is not some hypochondriac seeking attention.

I am highly convinced that many depressed individuals are empaths. Everyone has a measure of empathy within. Unless you are a sociopath, you will feel something. However, empaths have the ability to embrace everything and feel everyone in their atmosphere. They are often sensitive and tend to be some of the most mindful, thoughtful, caring individuals. Many are emotionally intelligent and uniquely observant. There is a plethora of reasons why someone may be emotional or depressed. Not everyone can handle a million things thrown at them. I personally prefer to say that a person has a compromised resilience tolerance.

The truth is, many people who suffer with this illness absolutely hate the feeling. They desire to be upbeat and have stability. Nobody chooses to lose passion, desire and fire within the things they loved most. Nobody wants to cry themselves to sleep.Many who are severely depressed are often experience systems unbeknownst to many around them. The phrase “misery likes company!” Is Not true for all people. Facades are worn to dismiss judgement and labels. It is like feeling trapped in a box underwater and left to mental sharks who smell blood. We demonize, ostracize and citizen people who deal with such symptoms even if they are fully functional. I recommend that we make it acceptable to say, “I AM NOT OKAY!” and create windows and doors for assistance.

As the holiday’s quickly approach. I would encourage everyone to check in with everyone they know and love. Donate to the homeless and those less fortunate who must sit and watch the world shop and spread love and joy. Smiles, shopping, holiday décor does not mean that they are well either. Many who have lost loved ones or do not have families are often down during this season. They do not need a pity party what they need is someone sincere just to be there. “They say its better to give than to receive” so while we are amidst the giving season lets give priceless gifts like love, support, prayers and kindness.

Encourage yourself or others to seek help and be surrounded by positive things. Positivity can be a religious community, friends, loves ones or just fun amongst good people. I strong suggest seeking professional help. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone who can help you make sense of things as well as tap into your faith. As a Christian, I stress having a personal and honest relationship with God. Many may never understand what you’re dealing with but He does. You can be healed but you must be honest with the Celestial Doctor and tell Him where it hurts. Truth is, He is the remedy over any prescription a physician can subscribe.

Here are some resources and hotlines to call in case you ever should need someone

https://www.betterhelp.com/