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A Whole New World

RETURNING TO NEW NORMS AFTER A TWO-YEAR PANDEMIC!

WOW! I feel like Aladdin in his self-titled film. I am way out of my element as I enter the workforce and civilization after two years of being “sheltered”. Many of you have read about my COVID positive experience where I encountered a near-death encounter. Unlike some, the road to recovery has been a long and hard one.

After relearning how to walk and talk again, I thought the battle was almost over. As a dancer and singer, being able to sing a melody and do a small step were major victories for me. Those are things I never thought I would be able to do again. Although breathing was still short and my balance was still shakey, I was excited about the progress and just wanted to get back into the swing of things. I wasn’t ready for full-on routines nor could I sing a song without getting winded but at least I could take care of myself again. It’s such a blessing to be able to practice personal hygiene without assistance. It felt amazing to move without an oxygen tank attached to me. It felt incredible to go a few feet without an asthma attack or extreme exacerbations. Finally, life would go back to normal. Little did I know it was one of many phases.

The lingering phase that became a prominent issue was mental health. Dealing with PTSD from traumatic experiences from my hospital stay, to survivor’s remorse as I watched loved ones and strangers become memories. It was followed by the stages of grief that didn’t have an order but a relentless presence. I toggled between anger and sadness, full-on depression. It was paralyzing and left me suspended within a state. For those who understand coding and computer information systems, it was an “if-then” statement that looped without an “end if” present. Searching for a door, a way out, a symbol of hope until my faith in Christ embraced me and nursed me back to health. I also connected with a therapist who highlighted the fact that I was so resilient. This gave me the strength and confidence to continue on. This process took about a year and a half to recover from. You’re probably like okay, this is good getting better right? Well, king of. I still had a few physical lingering ailments that limited my ability to stand, sit and function normally. My lungs took a major hit and being an asthmatic didn’t make this a walk in the park. Walking a few feet was a challenge and I wondered how life would change. Eventually, I got healed, thank the Lord. I started regaining the full function of my limbs. It took two years! Yes, you read that correctly, it has been a full two years! I don’t regret a thing. God allowed me time to heal in various ways, catch my breath, and gain clarity in my vision. Being close to death will shift your perspective very quickly. I returned home with a new zeal to do something more than I have before but this time for myself.

During this time, finding work remotely seemed like the only option but that didn’t go in my favor. I got serious about blogging, moved, continued working hard in school (GO EAGLES), wrote a children’s book, started working on becoming a Certified Life Coach, started the process to become a Licensed Insurance Broker, and started my own business. I took care of my mental health and picked up both old and new hobbies. I aimed to be productive every day until something else worked in my favor. Finally, after two years and tons of applications, I get a job offer.

Change ahead sign

This new job came with minimum perks but required me to make a maximum sacrifice regarding my health and time. I was instructed to get vaccinated or failure to do so will discontinue this process. This scared me because of negative reviews and things I overheard some factual others not so much. I moved out of state, this meant traveling from one state to another with the risk of being exposed on public transportation to strangers and their germs. The subway? I have been home this entire time. I got adjusted to focusing on my own endeavors and doing it on my own time. I also got adjusted to what others would consider “cabin fever”. I barely traveled and when I did, I was in a private vehicle. I guess that made me a bit spoiled but now here I was, required to move around in a city I left but no longer understood.

Everything felt so new, so different and so strange. the subways were no longer crowded as it was before. I was aware that the crime rate increased tremendously so you can imagine how someone with anxiety would feel about this new experience. There are barely tellers available to ask for help and machines seem to be more prevalent. There were even new payment systems in place. Welcome to OMNY! Oh wow, those were the devices they were installing before the world got infected, how interesting. People were more skeptical than ever interacting with strangers who needed guidance or direction. Restaurants and common places like Dunkin Donuts no longer had seats, obvious hint to grab and go. Carbon footprint increased I see, everyone prefers Lyft and Uber as well as the comfort of their own vehicles. People I met who were so were apprehensive about handshakes and interaction. People finally gave each other space (six feet) in this crowded state which I seem to enjoy. Wow, I can go on so many changes, so many new norms.

An image of a road sign arrow old life – new life

People have been fighting to get things back to “normal” but the world as we knew it is officially over. We look at shows like the Jetson’s and even look at movies such as “WALL-E” and say hey that’s funny, so not reality or “that will never happen”. The funny thing is, it can very well become our reality. As things occur and we adapt, the major factor that remains is our dependence on smart devices and equipment. Robots are not the future, they are integrated now. Life from this point requires adjustment.

It is a whole new world, new rules of engagement, and a NEW lifestyle. What I learned from Aladdin is to just be yourself. Find ways to fit in our new society on my own. A new mentality and inner strength are required to address what is ahead. The only thing that will function amid dysfunction is faith in Christ. The road ahead is full of uncertainty, inquiries without direction, and much concern. People are desensitized to the needs of others, destruction, and even world events. Hearts have grown cold. Right now, Russia and Ukraine are feuding and only God knows what domino effect may occur. Bible talks about wars and rumors of wars and gives us prophetic insight as to what the last days would look like. If it’s not one thing it’s another and it’s affecting all of us. Without God, we will not make it. Wealth won’t help when struggles are psychological. Status won’t help when challenges are social and racial. The list goes on, I just want to encourage you that no matter what changes, God will never change on us, He will never leave or forsake us, we are not alone (Hebrews 3:15. He is consistent and faithful. Things feel new, but we serve a God who does all things new. Life with Him is an adventure. With Him, there is guidance, instruction, and direction. He is our G.P.S- God’s Positioning System. We will not be lost or confounded but be people who are wise, insightful, and focused. We must continue to make an impact in this world and share the gospel.

The only choice to thrive is by adapting!- Chrissy Renee

Like Aladdin, our destiny awaits amid what looks hopeless and void. Your entry into your next season requires authenticity. You may be scared but if you are granted a seat at the table, it’s because you belong there. Others will be charged with creating and building their own. Everything will be new. Aladdin, coming from an impoverished environment to a lavish one by taking risks. CONTINUE to trust God in your business and life decisions. Life can change in the blink of an eye and it will come with twists and turns without that “magic carpet ride” feeling but it will be okay. God wants to restore hope. People today are struggling with hopelessness but there is hope. There are yet rooms your name preceded your presence. The wealth of the wicked is laid up for you. Above all things, God’s desire for us is for us to prosper in every facet of our lives. (3 John 1:2). When things are new we tend to run or operate in fear and that’s completely normal behavior. However, we were given a disadvantage of favor and divine intervention. Embrace this whole new world, find your place, bring change, do your part, and watch God work on, in, and through you. Embrace all that’s new and evolve because sometimes the only way to thrive is to adapt.

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Forgive the Abuse

THE ROOT OF THE PAIN

There are two quotes that I despise with great passion. The famous sarcastic statement of “It’s not rocket science” and “I’m hard on you because I want you to be better than me!”. I started hearing it more often and found myself to be highly irritated. I needed to do some digging to find out why. After some reflection, I realized that it was not the person. It traced back to the root of pain where those statements were so rudely introduced.

Emotional and verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Although bruises, broken bones, wounds, and cuts heal, words often don’t. If you don’t believe me, ask a therapist. You can carry verbal scars for a lifetime. They are not a badge of honor or survival. They are like chronic health issues that become a part of your daily life and “act up” when triggered. Words can replay in your psyche (soul, mind, and spirit) and be a hindrance in various parts of your life.
Both cases of abuse are severe instances that hinder your ability to trust, be open and vulnerable, leaves a residue of insecurity. Oftentimes we think we “got over it” but then memories infuriate you and cause you to do or say something you can potentially regret. Many experience difficulties loving and embracing, you may experience PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder is just the beginning. There are panic attacks for comments and circumstances that mirror what you have been through. You may be short-tempered and eager to protect yourself and violent. You may have walls up, become sarcastic, live in survival mode, and experience self-sabotage. There are a host of repercussions and varied effects.
After the deep soul search, I realized I was introduced to these quotes from a family member who I loved dearly but never really could determine if the love was ever reciprocated. I realized years later that person was hurting too. They were broken and had to be strong despite what they had to endure. I admire their strength but now I had to let go of those things because words are anchors. While you’re considering going in a different direction, your ship is unable to move because those comments have more weight than you would like to admit. Forgiveness isn’t for them but it’s for us to be free and not give our power away. I know it’s hard for some to consider but it’s the truth. Some things have to be squished, sliced, and dissected so you can enjoy the fruit or the flavor. Well, forgiveness has a fragrance and taste that is indescribable and liberating.
I realized that forgiveness is an art. Even in the Bible, it taught about forgiving seventy times seven for one individual (Matthew 18:22). It means that people will offend you and it may be multiple times. I’m not saying to be someone’s fool, but they may mess up more than once as infallible beings. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, you are not “Soft” but being the bigger person who exercises much grace. We must learn to establish boundaries without damaging others and ourselves.
Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), but it also heals. Look at stray abused dogs. They may want to attack when you attempt to rescue them but it’s like wow look at what they endured. You must give it some time.

“Your assignment will most likely bite you before they bless you,” said Dr. Courtney M. Bradley. People are imperfect and will mess up more times than they can count. Haven’t we done something things numerous times before we got it right?… but yet we are forgiven. The Bible talks about forgiveness being done seventy times seven. If you do the math, it’s 490 times. Most folks would be like who going to sit back and allow someone to offend or attack me that much?. People will be people, and some are trapped in their world of pain-causing havoc. We are so eager to cut people off. If you fire people from a job without an exit interview or some form of explanation there is no lesson learned just recycled behaviors. We end up being stuck in emotions like a bookmark in a dramatic novel. God doesn’t want us to be fooled but to live free. Forgiveness is art for self-liberation we must practice. You may never get that deserved apology but still…practice. When memories offend, forgive again. Keep practicing. “Forgiveness is a fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it”- Mark Twain. I desire to be a fragrance before God that he can be pleased with where beauty is revealed even in pressing times. Understand that people who are abused express what they have been suppressing. YOU are not anyone’s punching bag. You are not called to be the one in the way of projective behavior. It’s a sad cycle but I am learning to have more compassion than I did in times past. Thing’s people say will cut deep but know that you loved and love yourself enough to live through it and surpass it. Have that hard conversation but don’t dwell there, don’t give negativity more life and power. You win just by being your awesome authentic self. Let it all go so you won’t have to live hindered and on defense.

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The Aftermath of COVID-19

Survival beyond the hosptial.

COVID-19, commonly referred to as “Corona” is still very present. While many are out living their best lives being precautious or reckless, this virus is very much real and continually evolving. There are still a few who are dealing with the aftermath of hosting the virus.

Chrissy-Renee

In a previous blog, I briefly spoke of my horrid experience being hospitalized in New York. I felt a sense of relief as I existed the hospital, but I was about to embark on a new journey that was filled with rocky mountains, raging rivers and valleys to cross. I had no idea that recovery really meant. This was still new, and no one really had answers. It is the anniversary of that event, a year later and I am still recovering. Recovering and healing means different things for everyone. Whether it’s your physical body, personal experience or mental state no one will never have identical responses.

For me, I went through a whirlwind of emotions that took me up in the air of uncertainty. I came down crashing and everything literally hurt. My lungs took a major hit, limbs and muscles had taken a vacation Physically, it took me about three weeks to fully stand without getting dizzy. It took me several months to regain my balance and confidence to walk alone. As a dancer who once had immaculate balance it bothered me to know what was happening in my body. I fought daily and tired my best to use ballet techniques to recover. As a singer and speaker, I was concerned about being able to have normal speech. Will I ever sing again? I barely was capable of speaking a sentence without often used breathing techniques and singing to help restore my lung capacity and breath better. Breathing is still an issue because my lungs took a triple hit. I was having frequent asthma attacks(asthmatic exasperations) and also pneumonia as well. COVID-19 was the icing on the horrible cake.

I did not doubt Gods power but how could all three attack me and I survive? Survivors remorse allowed tears to become daily morning routine. People who encouraged me to live had passed and I was beginning to crash mentally. I focused on recovery for myself but left and right I lost loved ones. People close were paranoid even after I recovered so it shifted my social life to a certain extent. I was hurt and upset because there were individuals who did not take other precautions or follow CDC Guidelines. I too was concerned about it interacting with others. Could I catch this again? Where have these people been, should I attend events? Instead, I choose to remain inside and take this as a mini vacation from life.

I was so accustomed to being extremely busy that when I finally was alone and quiet, I did not know what to do with myself. It was apparent that I had never known was rest and relaxation really was. I could never understand how folks “wind down”. What is that? Anger took over. I thought of all the people who did not reach out but proclaimed to care. I was dealing with symptoms of PTSD from the traumatic experience being hospitalized. I went to bed just the way I awoke daily… in tears. Increased depression and anxiety were like twins who followed me around and refused to leave me alone. Four months, six months, my birthday and beyond… tears. New trauma trigged old traumas I had never dealt with and here I am facing it alone.

 I found solace in writing, designing and musical abilities but soon after it meant nothing. Focusing on school became more challenging and I did not want to live. I was torn, I have been granted another chance at life and I don’t want it. How ungrateful I was but it was me being real. I wear the scars on my body now as a symbol of overcoming. I am happy to be here now but it took almost a year to say that sincerely. I have completely stopped dancing and singing. Most things I love I have no desire to continue most days. Sometimes my lungs constriction occurs from walking a few steps and is a fight everyday day. I wake up fatigued and often fight with weapons of self-care but some days I do not have the strength. Cosmetic pictures with fabricated smiles flooded timelines but no one know I was hurting physically and mentally.

I implore everyone to have a quality friends or seek Professional care just to talk. Therapy does not mean that you are crazy, let’s get that straight. It’s you, acknowledging that your fight on your own isn’t working. You need a voice to bring things into perspective from and objective voice.  I overcame through much prayer, spiritual guidance, addressing my feelings and enjoying hobbies. I can smile genuinely now and taking necessary steps for complete wholeness.

For more content regarding my experience, stay tuned for my upcoming book about COVID survival.

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Abuse before Abuse

Simply put, abuse is defined as improper use or treatment. When it comes to relationships, everyone has different mental models. It is our lens of how we define and justify certain behaviors. Our mental models teach us to reject or accept behaviors and shapes our own behavior. It is our perspective based on our upbringing, past experiences.

For those predisposed to abuse, you are somewhat desensitized. You don’t realize how accustomed you are to certain traits. You may dislike certain things, but the process of acceptance tells you subconsciously that this is life, this is just the way things are. Maybe this is just the way things are meant for you. Its all a lie.

For others, its an initial shock; “the I cant believe they did…” moment. When you blame yourself for not defending yourself and acceptance of certain behaviors. Many are so desperate to be married or in a relationship that they keep lying to themselves thinking it will get better soon. He or she will and can change. They won’t don’t try to convince yourself.

There are several warning signs that we should be mindful of. A lot of times, physical abuse begins with verbal and mental control. If you can break someone down emotionally and mentally manipulate them, chances are you can move on to physical encounters.

Many abusers are great pretenders. They are socialites that know how to sweet talk and impress an entire room. They are charismatic and easy going. If anyone wherever to disclose poor behaviors, it would be hard to believe. The most dangerous people are not the ones with the obvious outburst but the secretive and private behaviors. In public, you will notice a drastic change in behavior. They are holding your hand, showing affection, sharing stories of your love and the charade is on like prime-time television. They may whisper sweet nothings in the moment and have what I call “photo op moments”. If something is being recorded or photos are taken, they know how to play their part. In private, you will notice their behavior switches right off. You do not have to say anything they are suddenly cold. Nothing you do is ever good enough for them. The praise they once sung disappears. They do not wish to be affectionate or kind with their words. Some words are often appalling and degrading.

Name calling is very prevalent, or you may you experience double sided compliments. Statements vary like “ You look pretty, tonight but you just gotta fix your teeth and you’ll be fine” to “You’re so lucky, I never date African American women, I only date Hispanic ones and for some reason I find you attractive. The list can go on and on. Those compliments are loaded with insults and they speak volumes as to the state of their heart and posture towards you.  Real love will never have you insecure where you were once confident, break you down or make you feel small. Love builds, encourages, and esteems highly.

Staring arguments where your always to blame, deflecting thier issues on you is a form of abuse.

Some abusers will embarrass you publicly and have you mentally controlled. They hold something above you to keep you in the relationship where you feel trapped and that this person in some way cares. You want to leave but then analyze other acts and convince yourself that this person is not all that bad.

Some abusive partners start fights with you or blames you for issues that have nothing to do with you directly. They will find a way to put the focus and attention back on you if ever challenged. Some who experience outburst also find a way to justify their actions and tell you if you had not have said or something wrong then they would have no reason to react this way. You are the trigger; you are the problem. Don’t hold your head down and don’t accept that. 

It’s okay to take a stand for yourself and be assertive in a conversation. Some partners believe in monologues where you are not allowed to express your displeasure or opinion. Those are sure signs of abuse. You may have never be physically struck but it is still abuse. Any form of psychological game or manipulation, verbal degradation (abrasiveness) or force will for any reason at all is ABUSE.

If just the thought of your partner coming close, coming home or being in your vicinity makes your nervous that is a neon flag not to ignore. Whether you are in a committed relationship or married, for someone to force themselves on you without consent is abuse. If they ignore your audible plead to cease an action and they justify forced sex as a duty or your obligation… I am so sorry to tell you this, but it is abuse. If they do not care about how you feel emotionally and physically it is a sure sign that this was not a match made in Heaven. It is safe to call it hell.

You don’t deserve this!!

Sometimes, abusers are great with words, they are often controlling and narcissists. Sometimes we look at a person’s history and say to ourselves “well they were abused as a child, I have to teach them how to love”. You cannot pour into anything with a lid. People like that are already full of their past and their own evil mental models that shaped their thinking. My friend Jeremiah Ware revamped the adage by saying “Hurt people, hurt people but {healed people help people}.” It is not your duty to heal anyone or attempt to help. They need divine and professional help to unpack whatever internal battles they are experiencing.

If any of this is hitting home, please seek help. There is no shame in wanting a better life. You deserve to be treated with respect. Whether or not you see yourself as valuable, please know that you are not stupid, ugly or undesirable. Everyone is worthy of love. You are not broken, you’re not a “hot mess”. You can experience real love but let it begin within.

Please reach out to a Clergy member, hotline, or center for abuse. Your voice matters don’t let your experiences put you in a box of shame. When life deals you a tough hand, its an opportunity to learn your own resilience and discover your own strength. Be well!