When folks are determined not to get to know you or fail to interact they will find all excuses to justify their social bias. Just like pictures are worth a thousand words, it’s the same for body language. Speech, behavior, and interaction(or lack thereof) speak volumes. Things such as ostracism, love, toleration, or a sense of belonging are all factors we can feel and interpret.
I want to focus on toleration vs. acceptance. These are silent but huge factors of life. We have things we say and don’t say. Sometimes it’s a huge conversation and other times it’s the big elephant in the rooms that leaves people feeling awkward and left to make assumptions. Someone needs to hear this, toleration isn’t love. It has no place in any sincere relationship. It’s either you are with me or your not. It is time to make things black and white, no shades of gray. The days where we accepted Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde relationships and personalities are over. We all need to choose. When I say choose, I mean take a stand, not to pick a side. Let’s have those difficult conversations and figure out if we would be open enough to accept new and different people or chose to live life in a clique or box rejecting everyone that doesn’t resemble, speak, act or relate to you like your circle does. You may ask “why tolerate someone I would just leave them alone?” Glad you thought about it…
Some have a “good Samaritan” syndrome where they want to look good for doing good and being in your life. It’s a nice story to tell a version that’s plastered with facades and ulterior motives. Other’s may tolerate you because they feel they owe you something and aim to even the score. For some it could be pitiful posture, maybe you have endured a series of unfortunate events and circumstances, and you are kept around because some form of guilt or pity is present. Another type would tolerate you because you bring something undeniable to the table that they need. You may not be needed but your gifts, talents, and abilities serve some purpose they can use. Very few will embrace you because their hearts are open and TRUST me you will KNOW the difference.
Real love and acceptance aren’t things that can be faked. It is so palpable and tangible and permeates leaving you with no doubt. If you have a general problem of accepting or recognizing love in its authentic form then that’s another blog topic to do a deep dive in. For those who may be empaths or empathic and aware, picking up social cues is innate. Your ability to decode and interpret may be keen. Your emotional intelligence can feel like a blessing and a curse. You can’t discern the difference so I encourage you to trust your gut.
Never compromise peace and your emotional well-being just to be surrounded for a moment. If you haven’t already, you would experience and void and emptiness that pretense cannot fill. Love really does concur all. If you’re going to love, do it hard, go full throttle, and be sincere. You never know who needs all of your genuineness. We speak so much about philanthropy and giving back but sometimes the best change and impact you can do in the world around you is to present real love, accept someone for who they are entirely, and let them know how you feel. Whose life have you impacted lately?
The face of entrepreneurship has dramatically changed. Statistically, today’s entrepreneur is fourteen percent female and almost twenty-nine percent represent a minority group. They make up a great portion of the United States GDP (Gross Domestic Product) which is the sum of businesses that add to the American economy. Talk about grit and determination. These groups were often underestimated in the past, but are making their mark as they impact and influence several markets.
Traditionally, people would attend a university and rack up thousands in fees or work a nine to five in hopes that their efforts are acknowledged and compensated. The ladder of success seemed to have been missing some steps making things incredibly difficult for people to reach the top without having assistance. If you pay attention, the million and billionaires who grace covers of magazines are getting younger and diversity, more prominent. Entrepreneurship is the preferred avenue to achieve ultimate life goals. Today, we are in an era of the “woke” generation. There is awareness about any and everything because the information is at our fingertips. Social Media, viral videos, innovative ideas, and technological creations have allowed many to attain wealth quickly. “Throw away the ladder, airlift me to the destination,” says the mindsets of Millennials and Gen Z’s. Hard work is still applauded but they abide by the concept of “Working smarter, not harder!”. If you’re going to do a job, do what you love. People today don’t want to be subjected to a system, ill-treatment (from superiors), or disappointed by unsatisfactory salaries. If you’re going to “go hard” let it be for something you are passionate about that’s ultimately beneficial.
Many are supporting black-owned businesses and other cultural groups to prove that they are not unconsciously biased and contribute to change. Many African Americans believe that supporting a black-owned organization or enterprise is the fulfillment of an Ancestors’ dream. Many would agree that supporting your own culture will …
Keep finances in the community.
Increase representation.
Increases social pride.
Create community staples.
Decrease the negative stigma of poverty, lack, and ownership.
Representation is imperative right now and everyone is rooting for their own culture to have visibility and awareness. Today, we are aware that being socially and environmentally responsible is preferred. Everything is for a cause or “for the culture” but what happens when a culture has been misrepresented, misconstrued, misbranded, misclassified, and experiences social self-sabotage?
Let’s address the neon elephant on the block. Being labeled a “black business” can potentially hinder growth. I believe that black-owned businesses are often misconstrued because there are so many ill notions concerning professionalism or the lack thereof. Black businesses are not supported by African Americans because many believe that their culture is riddled with a lack of quality, customer service, proper communication, consistency, integrity, and efficiency.
Unfortunately, many have encountered unfavorable experiences with such businesses. While some argue that they experience a lack of support. People of Color prefer to support other races to obtain quality partnerships and encounters. The complaints often expressed… are a mile long but it’s actually social self-sabotage. When someone black says “you know it’s going to be late, it’s a black-owned business”, it is a form of social self-sabotage. Many have lost all faith within their race to produce favorable outcomes. This diminishing of support destroys not just a particular business but the reputation of an entire race.
We all know integrity is doing the right thing when no one is looking. “Integrity is necessary, not an optional tool. it is an expression of love and passion for your business. This is the only way for your business to advance and succeed” says Anita from “Siomara’s Catering”. It’s not just doing the right thing but putting your best foot forward with good intentions. Many often associate branding with just colors and images that are presented on a public platform. What they fail to realize is, the true identity of your brand is YOUR character. Your core values, beliefs, ethics, and principles become evident in the brand. “What people say about you when you’re not in the room is your true brand identity,” says Brandon Monti of Connecticut. Your perspective will always creep into the culture and environment you create. What you represent as a person will transition and translate to what you present as a CEO.
The term “Black Excellence” is often a hot topic. African Americans love to use and overuse it to show support, pride, or approval. Vaughn Brandford of Brooklyn states that “I think most people are under the misconception of black excellence. Many utilize it as a shield to be subpar believing that they are exceptional by just mere existence. People believe that somehow it shields black people from discrimination and racism, which is a complete fallacy. We must understand, to be considered excellent, we must be excellent. Most of us won’t get a second chance at a first impression. If we know we’re representing more than just “us” then we should consider it in our presentation. The adjective “excellent” should be used without the “black” label. We should just strive to be amazing and successful owners who just happen to walk in excellence”.
Business Owners Tips to fight against statistics:
Invest in professional development training.
Hold others accountable.
Acquire financial literacy and upgrade financial practices.
Invest in software to remain organized and keep track of invoices and payments.
Apply Ethics in everything.
Vulnerability is a must! It’s not a crime to say “no”, “I’m unable to” or be honest about mistakes.
Keep the bar of excellence high.
Sensitivity training is highly preferred.
Train staff on concepts of customer service and the power of a pleasant demeanor.
Be reliable.
Boost hospitality.
Watch your tone.
No compromise.
Inferior service is not accepted!
Develop a disdain for tardiness.
DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT, DOCUMENT
Contracts are your friend.
Make realistic promises.
Be open to key partnerships.
Learn and teach conflict resolution.
Particiality is unkind. Many will be pleasant to another race but disrespectful or rude to their own.
It’s not a competition but it is a competition. You need a comparative advantage for a competitive market. However, do not compare yourself to anyone else other than yourself. Monopoly is a game to play at home. Some competition is healthy to push you.
Don’t be afraid to share information and resources. Even if people immatate you, they will never be YOU. Your unique presence in a saturated market is still needed.
Do not take clients’ funds without providing a product or service and then ignore them. Clients should not have to chase you.
Communication is your friend!
These tips are not to criticize but to aid in the development and formation of your next level in business. Be encouraged. Find joy and pleasure in what wakes you up every day. When you are intentional about living, you can live on purpose, expressing purpose. Elizabeth, owner of the famous “Bizzy Bakery” in Brooklyn states that “It does my heart proud knowing I can brighten a day just by being myself. I love that God allows me to do what I love every single day. Being respectful is a MUST, but being a nice person is a CHOICE. I just happen to be one of the few where being nice comes naturally to me”. “Lizz” is a prime example of how personal brand affects professional branding. She is extremely jovial and easy to interact with. She is a woman of her word and truly finds delight in seeing her customers happy. Her sweet demeanor encourages potential clients to try her sweet treats.
Dr. Courtney M. Bradley states that “you may not have one hundred dollars, but you can show support in a hundred ways!” It should not take another social uproar or protest in the country to drive people to support each other. Here are some ways to show support and as well as some tips for engagement.
Let go of entitlement. Do not expect “favors” and complimentary service due to familiarity.
Share promotional material on social media to increase reach and visibility.
Purchase something without an argument or debate about the price. Their time, energy, and resources were invested in their work.
Encourage someone by acknowledging their good work or practices.
Believe in the vision, it’s not just about the individual.
Encourage others to support.
Speak well of the company, word of mouth is one method of organic growth.
Make a payment on time but communicate in case of an emergency.
Arguing and yelling at owners isn’t the most effective way to make a complaint.
Respect their payment methods and rules.
Ask how you can help or volunteer.
To those who are business owners, working hard to set a standard, I salute you. Thank you for your time, energy, sacrifice, sleepless nights, early mornings, creativity, and passion. Your labor is not in vain, many appreciate all that you do to make a client or organization happy. To every person of color fighting against these common misconceptions, keep going. You being your best self helps combat what is contrary. To every female striving for excellence as a “boss babe” thank you. You are creating a pattern for the next generation to follow. The future of ownership and the reputation of modern leadership is in your hands.
When people think of exchange, they immediately think of it in its common context. A swapping or trading of one item for another typically something material.
We also think of shopping, and how if something does not work; we return an item by giving back the original purchase (with a receipt of course) to replace it with something new. Overall, it is the act of giving and receiving.
What we least consider are treasures and gems. These are not physical gems but have great value. Wisdom, knowledge, sound advice, laughter, peace, prayer, and encouragement. We need to surround ourselves with people who understand the “pour”. Pouring into each other. This ensures that no one goes empty. If we are constantly inspiring and speaking life into each other, no one will be dry, vacant, deserted, abandoned, or even feel worthless.
Every time we come together it’s an exchange. Every conversation is an exchange. You give of your time, energy, and vice versa. Everyone leaves with something whether positive or negative. Things will not always be perfect but it’s imperative to know that your circle has substance. A circle of close ones who believe in the principle of honor. When things get challenging or tumultuous in your relationship; it can stand because it was founded on solid principles with a common perspective.
Old folks used to say “show me your friends, and I will tell you who you are!” That adage is full of facts. If frequent association and affiliation gradually lead to assimilation, then it is safe to say that your “crew”, family, friends, associates are important. People do not have power over you. You make your own decisions; however, influence is quite powerful. Ask yourself, the people I frequently communicate and interact with…what exactly are we doing for each other? Are these relationships exchanging wealth, empowerment, and strength? How is this relationship mutually beneficial?
I am not discouraging you from mentoring. Some people are in our lives just to receive from us. I am not encouraging you to remove people from your life but to consider each relationship. To be aware of what is being exchanged. You should still love and respect people but also know when what is hurting you is also too close. I am encouraging you not to exchange your homeostasis of peace and other valuables for any relationship, it is not worth it. Get a grip on who is in your life and why. Remember, not every relationship will be an equal exchange, we are here to help others. Let’s just be wise and recognize when your
pouring into a vessel full of holes
pouring but never then left empty
Pouring without reciprocation
Pouring and being poured back into
It is time to take a deep dive into our interpersonal life and see how it affects us daily. Your mental health, business, success and so much more are dependent on it.
Meddle, Mitigate and Mediate … What’s the Difference?
What a mouthful! These three actions are all unique in their own way. What makes the lines blurred are variated perspectives. All three can be misinterpreted due to motive and the nature of relationships.Some argue that they are all the same but there are thin lines between them all. Thanks to Google, we can dive right in with the definitions.
Meddle –to interest oneself in what is not one’s concern, interfere without right
Mitigate – to make less severe, serious, or painful
Mediate – intervene between people in a dispute in order to bring about an agreement or reconciliation.
One is proactive and the other two are reactive. Have you guessed which ones belong in which category? Being proactive is the ability to have sight. To foresee a situation getting out of hand and desiring to do something about it before it manifests. Proactive people mitigate. They are strategic people who have a certain finesse. This person has foresight, is very observant and exercises logic.
People who are reactive are often meddlers and people who aim to assist after a situation has already taken place which is to mediate the problem. These individuals are often emotional creatures who respond with what they feel is right whether the approach, timing and words are appropriate. They love hard and show their support by jumping in the middle with ones well being in mind.
Parents, significant others, close friends or peers often tend to jump ahead of reason and aim to defend. During a heated war, argument or intense situation, our emotions, feelings and even ego all rise like a volcano or some of us are a calm as lake. Regardless of your stance its about your response. The first things to consider is the nature of the situation. Do I take a side or a stand? Its imperative to take a moment to consider your values and proceed with caution. One would have to exercise much wisdom and have some ability to resolve conflict with ease.
With taking a stand for what is right, it might put you in a diametrically opposed view from that one that you care for. Its imperative that we express care for others by being truthful and letting your moral compass take over. At this point, when a situation has already occurred it is best to figure out how to intervene and reconcile the issue. Consider if this is something you should be concerned with regardless of relation to the opposers, consider how your actions would trigger reactions and responses. Consider if your interference or will intensify the issue or bring some light and reason. If you can’t alleviate the situation and you don’t have influence over each side, then I would advise you to seek additional help. Professional help (in some cases) and to remain from getting in between. Sometimes environment has everything to do with the way in which you choose to intervene. Know your place, know the rules and/or procedures and act accordingly,
Let’s recap. Ask yourself, which of the three postures do I embody? Is this setting professional or casual? Am I being proactive or reactive? Will me getting involved alleviate the situation in any way or cause a greater complication? Do I have some level of authority? Will getting involved put me in danger? Do I have something of great value to impart or do I just love the sound of my own voice? Am I bringing about change or do I just like being involved? What is my relationship to those involved and will my response destroy or affirm it?
There are so many things to consider before you decide to get invovled. Whether your the Good Samaritan, Superhero , friend or just a concerned bystander. Get to know the fine lines between each posture and abide by what you believe to be the right thing.
Let’s start by defining confusion. Some call it drama, issues, problems created by a misinterpretation of information or lack thereof. Google provided this lovely rendition that states that is the lack of understanding. Its synonyms include unclear, uncertainty, unsure, bewilderment and perplexity.
We all heard it before. Communication is the answer to a crazy situation or confusion. Communication creates an avenue for clarity and enlightenment. One must be brave and mature enough to approach a situation seeking understanding. Many often just wish to get their point across without applying effective listening. Worst yet, others fill voids with assumptions.
Perspective is everything. Our perspectives are often shaped by our psychological and environmental conditioning. We are either coming to conclusions in our own minds or our experiences has shaped the way we define or interpret situations. The way you see things also complicates and magnifies a situation.
We must come to terms with a crossroad in every relationship. Do I wish to stay or to go? Whether or not someone means the world to you or not. Avoidance of a person or situation isn’t helping. Anyone you know ever saw things clearly by shutting their eyes? One must desire to handle things with civil or gracious manner. Regardless of what took place. I get it, respect is often earned and not just given but maturity says that some things are better off if you become the bigger person. The person of reason even if it means catching a bullet amid a heated war. When situations happen and you appear at that crossroads, you should know where you stand. Regardless of where you are in a relationship it should be our desire to gain clarity. Expressing how you feel respectfully is not a sin nor a broken law. The immature and insincere create assumptions or aim to control a narrative without facts. Too many times, we witness beautiful relationships become brief encounters all because no one was willing to seek out clarity. That moment of transparency to get things into perspective.
If someone means anything to you, it should never get out of hand. Communication should be constant and honest. Some level of integrity needs to be present to maintain any relationship whether its work related, a significant other, family member or a friend. Nothing you treasure should be dragged in muddy waters. A simple conversation is like a clean shower and a spa. There is a sense of relief and freedom that comes along with communication. Caring is sharing thoughts expressed with a measure of couth. If you care, you would never leave someone bewildered about a situation or unclear about where they stand with you. Communication says I am upset yet I am willing to speak. Effective communication is needed always. Look at Businesses or teams in general. How can people execute or accomplish anything without being united in clear vision? Whether your frustrated or betrayed, we all deserve a chance to speak our minds even if it’s to say goodbye. Question is, which lens are you seeing the situation through? Confusion is like an unwanted bookmark in a story that you have yet to finish. Clarity would remove all the questions and provide the right answers if we are willing to receive it.
Simply put, abuse is defined as improper use or treatment. When it comes to relationships, everyone has different mental models. It is our lens of how we define and justify certain behaviors. Our mental models teach us to reject or accept behaviors and shapes our own behavior. It is our perspective based on our upbringing, past experiences.
For those predisposed to abuse, you are somewhat desensitized. You don’t realize how accustomed you are to certain traits. You may dislike certain things, but the process of acceptance tells you subconsciously that this is life, this is just the way things are. Maybe this is just the way things are meant for you. Its all a lie.
For others, its an initial shock; “the I cant believe they did…” moment. When you blame yourself for not defending yourself and acceptance of certain behaviors. Many are so desperate to be married or in a relationship that they keep lying to themselves thinking it will get better soon. He or she will and can change. They won’t don’t try to convince yourself.
There are several warning signs that we should be mindful of. A lot of times, physical abuse begins with verbal and mental control. If you can break someone down emotionally and mentally manipulate them, chances are you can move on to physical encounters.
Many abusers are great pretenders. They are socialites that know how to sweet talk and impress an entire room. They are charismatic and easy going. If anyone wherever to disclose poor behaviors, it would be hard to believe. The most dangerous people are not the ones with the obvious outburst but the secretive and private behaviors. In public, you will notice a drastic change in behavior. They are holding your hand, showing affection, sharing stories of your love and the charade is on like prime-time television. They may whisper sweet nothings in the moment and have what I call “photo op moments”. If something is being recorded or photos are taken, they know how to play their part. In private, you will notice their behavior switches right off. You do not have to say anything they are suddenly cold. Nothing you do is ever good enough for them. The praise they once sung disappears. They do not wish to be affectionate or kind with their words. Some words are often appalling and degrading.
Name calling is very prevalent, or you may you experience double sided compliments. Statements vary like “ You look pretty, tonight but you just gotta fix your teeth and you’ll be fine” to “You’re so lucky, I never date African American women, I only date Hispanic ones and for some reason I find you attractive. The list can go on and on. Those compliments are loaded with insults and they speak volumes as to the state of their heart and posture towards you. Real love will never have you insecure where you were once confident, break you down or make you feel small. Love builds, encourages, and esteems highly.
Staring arguments where your always to blame, deflecting thier issues on you is a form of abuse.
Some abusers will embarrass you publicly and have you mentally controlled. They hold something above you to keep you in the relationship where you feel trapped and that this person in some way cares. You want to leave but then analyze other acts and convince yourself that this person is not all that bad.
Some abusive partners start fights with you or blames you for issues that have nothing to do with you directly. They will find a way to put the focus and attention back on you if ever challenged. Some who experience outburst also find a way to justify their actions and tell you if you had not have said or something wrong then they would have no reason to react this way. You are the trigger; you are the problem. Don’t hold your head down and don’t accept that.
It’s okay to take a stand for yourself and be assertive in a conversation. Some partners believe in monologues where you are not allowed to express your displeasure or opinion. Those are sure signs of abuse. You may have never be physically struck but it is still abuse. Any form of psychological game or manipulation, verbal degradation (abrasiveness) or force will for any reason at all is ABUSE.
If just the thought of your partner coming close, coming home or being in your vicinity makes your nervous that is a neon flag not to ignore. Whether you are in a committed relationship or married, for someone to force themselves on you without consent is abuse. If they ignore your audible plead to cease an action and they justify forced sex as a duty or your obligation… I am so sorry to tell you this, but it is abuse. If they do not care about how you feel emotionally and physically it is a sure sign that this was not a match made in Heaven. It is safe to call it hell.
You don’t deserve this!!
Sometimes, abusers are great with words, they are often controlling and narcissists. Sometimes we look at a person’s history and say to ourselves “well they were abused as a child, I have to teach them how to love”. You cannot pour into anything with a lid. People like that are already full of their past and their own evil mental models that shaped their thinking. My friend Jeremiah Ware revamped the adage by saying “Hurt people, hurt people but {healed people help people}.” It is not your duty to heal anyone or attempt to help. They need divine and professional help to unpack whatever internal battles they are experiencing.
If any of this is hitting home, please seek help. There is no shame in wanting a better life. You deserve to be treated with respect. Whether or not you see yourself as valuable, please know that you are not stupid, ugly or undesirable. Everyone is worthy of love. You are not broken, you’re not a “hot mess”. You can experience real love but let it begin within.
Please reach out to a Clergy member, hotline, or center for abuse. Your voice matters don’t let your experiences put you in a box of shame. When life deals you a tough hand, its an opportunity to learn your own resilience and discover your own strength. Be well!
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