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Effective Leadership Part 1

Whether you have a small team or grand organization, one fact remains the same. No company can thrive without effective leadership. Effective organizations are ones that produce desired results along with high levels of productivity. Everyone’s leadership style is different and is composed of their own interactions with the world, role models and perspective. However, every style does not work. Although success is a speculative and defined individually, an organization is disabled if it is not a learning organization. Learning organizations have one main thing in common, forward thinking Leaders who have excellent social and management skills.

They said the age-old debate is whether “leaders were born or made?” I honestly believe both are true, but one theory holds more weight that we develop as leaders. Look at a small child who is extremely confident or has a natural ability to draw people, motivate ad lead. They are most likely to become leaders. They have an innate ability but sometimes life happens, and they develop poor perspective and behaviors. Who suffers? Everyone they encounter every relationship and interaction gets a taste. Therefore, professional development is essential and often used in all businesses and team structures.

There is always something to learn, discover and develop especially within. Some people can be timid but nurtured by the right leader, they too feel a burning passion and desire to help others and become world leaders. I stand on the belief that there are different types of leaders. Leadership should be viewed as a skill. Some have it naturally and others need to work on things more than others. However, just because you are in charge and call all the shots doesn’t mean that you’re a real leader. A good leader is an effective one.

Let’s take a look at nine main leadership styles and explore its meaning and level of effectiveness.

  1. Democratic Leader– this type of style is effective because the leader makes decisions based on the team members input, feedback, and perspective. This type of leader is one that listens and gives equal say on projects regardless of their place in the work hierarchy.
  2. Autocratic Leader – makes decisions that impact the entire organization without any input. This type of culture created is controlling and the “my way or highway” thinking. Dogmatism in full effect. You can guess the level of effectiveness here.
  3. Laissez- faire Leader – the least intrusive and engaged. This style often allows others to handle everything and refuses to get involved. They trust their team too much and give authority that isn’t observed or managed. This style is least effective an can be dangerous depending on the amount of freedom the leader gives.
  4. Strategic Leader – This leader ensures that all levels of management and operations works seamlessly. This leader tends to be more hands on and is very much aware of what’s going on in each part of the whole. This leader is supportive and is great with ensuring that everyone is motivated. They make excellent informed decisions and likes to plan and organize each aspect of the organization. This style is somewhat effective. The leader has to make sure that they are not too engrossed with multiple aspects so they can focus on what is necessary as an executive.
  5. Transactional Leader – creates an environment that thrives off incentives. Terms and conditions apply here. If you ahvieve “x” by the third quarter, then a bonus will be applied or some other appealing offer. People generally respond to incentives according to economists, but your team should desire to accomplish goals without the competition or a personal benefit.
  6. The Coach – this leadership style is full of positivity and inspiration. Their environment is saturated with high morale. This empowerment-based culture guides and encourages both personal and professional growth.  They are on the sidelines inspiring staff to perform well. They tend to give those locker room and pre-game speeches that inspire and hype up the team. This style highly effective.
  7. Bureaucratic Leader – this leader tends to abide by the book. There is no wiggle room to innovate or make changes. They might listen but will quickly reject opposing views that go against policy. This leader believes in “if its broke, don’t fix it”. There is no need to make reform unless a procedure or policy is posing a threat to the well being of the organization. If what worked in past times is still working, then there is no need to visit it. There is a lack of freedom, expression and creativity with this leader. This leadership style is slightly affective in some atmospheres but rarely affective in others.
  8. Servant Leader – this leader is mostly on the front line leading by example. Its like a Sergeant giving orders from the front line instead of the back. It’s a bold and powerful statement that you are also putting in the word and putting yourself out there. These leaders typically have sincere and loyal teams that wouldn’t mind going the extra mile because they know their leader would do the same.
  9. Transformational Leader – This leadership style focuses on the enhancement of others. This leader pushes others to grow beyond their capabilities. This leader understands that people learn at different rates but knows how to strategically impact everyone at their level. Transformational leaders are like a mix of a parent, a coach and cheerleader. Your always happy you crossed paths and they leave everyone feeling empowered or on a path of self-discovery. This type of leader is most likely to reproduce itself and inspire success stories.
High Resolution Leadership Concept

Successful Leaders who listen, engage and lead by example tend to produce at higher rates. They forge relationships with their members with boundaries. They ensure to foster a culture of creativity and innovation which occurs when your team is encouraged to explore, discover, think, and feel supported. My mother Cheryl used to say that “Encouragement sweetens labor”. I found that to be so true. Speaking down to someone will never get you want. A person who is told that they are believed in is mostly likely to push themselves and find joy in their work. When they find joy, moral is high and becomes the driving force to get things done. Don’t get me wrong you will always encounter staff that’s difficult and challenging but for the most part. Those who are goal oriented, believe in the vision and desire to please you will do their part. Their teams get motivated, establish trust and respect, enjoy their jobs, take their roles seriously. Some characteristics of an exceptional leader are:

  1. Firm with a good balance of humor and are relatable.
  2. Motivates, people leave their presence feeling confident.
  3. Does not mind others growing and succeeding past them.
  4. Promotes
  5. Views feedback as caring.
  6. Believes that unity is birthed in diversity and inclusion.
  7. Believes in a shared vision.
  8. Wisdom based decision maker.
  9. Fairness is not compromised.
  10. Exercise emotional intelligence and mindfulness.
  11. Trust who they train.
  12. Consistency is evident.
  13. Majors in conflict resolution.
  14. Enthusiasm begins with you.
  15. Integrity is always the standard.
  16. Recognizes other leaders and aim to develop them.
  17. Leads by example.

Stay tuned for Part 2 and more information about leadership and some behaviors to avoid.

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The Aftermath of COVID-19

Survival beyond the hosptial.

COVID-19, commonly referred to as “Corona” is still very present. While many are out living their best lives being precautious or reckless, this virus is very much real and continually evolving. There are still a few who are dealing with the aftermath of hosting the virus.

Chrissy-Renee

In a previous blog, I briefly spoke of my horrid experience being hospitalized in New York. I felt a sense of relief as I existed the hospital, but I was about to embark on a new journey that was filled with rocky mountains, raging rivers and valleys to cross. I had no idea that recovery really meant. This was still new, and no one really had answers. It is the anniversary of that event, a year later and I am still recovering. Recovering and healing means different things for everyone. Whether it’s your physical body, personal experience or mental state no one will never have identical responses.

For me, I went through a whirlwind of emotions that took me up in the air of uncertainty. I came down crashing and everything literally hurt. My lungs took a major hit, limbs and muscles had taken a vacation Physically, it took me about three weeks to fully stand without getting dizzy. It took me several months to regain my balance and confidence to walk alone. As a dancer who once had immaculate balance it bothered me to know what was happening in my body. I fought daily and tired my best to use ballet techniques to recover. As a singer and speaker, I was concerned about being able to have normal speech. Will I ever sing again? I barely was capable of speaking a sentence without often used breathing techniques and singing to help restore my lung capacity and breath better. Breathing is still an issue because my lungs took a triple hit. I was having frequent asthma attacks(asthmatic exasperations) and also pneumonia as well. COVID-19 was the icing on the horrible cake.

I did not doubt Gods power but how could all three attack me and I survive? Survivors remorse allowed tears to become daily morning routine. People who encouraged me to live had passed and I was beginning to crash mentally. I focused on recovery for myself but left and right I lost loved ones. People close were paranoid even after I recovered so it shifted my social life to a certain extent. I was hurt and upset because there were individuals who did not take other precautions or follow CDC Guidelines. I too was concerned about it interacting with others. Could I catch this again? Where have these people been, should I attend events? Instead, I choose to remain inside and take this as a mini vacation from life.

I was so accustomed to being extremely busy that when I finally was alone and quiet, I did not know what to do with myself. It was apparent that I had never known was rest and relaxation really was. I could never understand how folks “wind down”. What is that? Anger took over. I thought of all the people who did not reach out but proclaimed to care. I was dealing with symptoms of PTSD from the traumatic experience being hospitalized. I went to bed just the way I awoke daily… in tears. Increased depression and anxiety were like twins who followed me around and refused to leave me alone. Four months, six months, my birthday and beyond… tears. New trauma trigged old traumas I had never dealt with and here I am facing it alone.

 I found solace in writing, designing and musical abilities but soon after it meant nothing. Focusing on school became more challenging and I did not want to live. I was torn, I have been granted another chance at life and I don’t want it. How ungrateful I was but it was me being real. I wear the scars on my body now as a symbol of overcoming. I am happy to be here now but it took almost a year to say that sincerely. I have completely stopped dancing and singing. Most things I love I have no desire to continue most days. Sometimes my lungs constriction occurs from walking a few steps and is a fight everyday day. I wake up fatigued and often fight with weapons of self-care but some days I do not have the strength. Cosmetic pictures with fabricated smiles flooded timelines but no one know I was hurting physically and mentally.

I implore everyone to have a quality friends or seek Professional care just to talk. Therapy does not mean that you are crazy, let’s get that straight. It’s you, acknowledging that your fight on your own isn’t working. You need a voice to bring things into perspective from and objective voice.  I overcame through much prayer, spiritual guidance, addressing my feelings and enjoying hobbies. I can smile genuinely now and taking necessary steps for complete wholeness.

For more content regarding my experience, stay tuned for my upcoming book about COVID survival.

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First Impressions

First impressions are not always accurate. We make assumptions about people all the time. Sometimes pre-exposed to information about them through another voice or lens that colors our perspective.

Some things will always look gray when it is white because you were conditioned to believe that. Mental associations are real and vivid. They often trigger memories of past experiences. One small detail that’s unfavorable can take you down the rabbit hole of negative thoughts and feelings. Sometimes, we just pull people apart in our minds… humans! We are quite interesting. We create mental images from someone’s speech, attire, demeanor, or vibe. Don’t get me wrong, there will be many times our intuition is correct, but we don’t like to admit the fact that there are many times that we are wrong.  I am a firm believer in getting to know someone for myself. To get to root before a conclusion about their leaves and fruit.

Have we ever stopped to think that maybe something was wrong at that moment or someone has changed? Life can truly humble a person and its lessons are often transformative. I met a young man at a mutual friend’s birthday party. Due to seating, we were placed next to each other. This gentleman seemed to be my type. He was well dressed and articulate which is a sure way to catch my attention. He talked about several of his personal and professional accomplishments but never truly seemed interested in my life. This monologue went on for some time. Ten minutes in and I was already turned off and the birthday boy was nowhere in sight. Eventually, I roamed the room (mostly to show off my amazing outfit) to greet others and get as far away from my table as I possibly can. Eventually, when I made it back, he was silent and so was I. I made it my duty to be polite but not to engage. Luckily, another woman caught his eyes. Years passed and we crossed paths again. I pushed him away while he pursued my attention. He was gentle, he asked questions and listened. I got to know him, and he explained why he was arrogant and self-centered. His culture and background taught him to be a certain way coming from a prestigious lineage. He had to develop certain skills and life did humble him. This gentleman eventually became a great friend. Imagine is my first impression was so ingrained that I never took the time to listen and learn?

How many of us do this with our own lives?  The impressions of ourselves that we obtained from our environmental encounters still very prominent. Those initial stages are often hard to let go. Impressionable ages where development was still in progress and events of misfortune, trauma and unfortunate circumstances that molded and shaped our thinking. It is the ingrained way we perceive the world and people we encounter slightly fragmented perspectives. All the “you’ll never amount to anything’s” and the list goes on from childhood and adolescence that lingers. The mental battle ground and inner dialogue that is often conflicting.  Life sometimes is unkind and it’s our resilience, faith and determination that has given us strength to continue. We often burry a lot of unwanted memories and mental pictures. However, my questions still stands. Did you give yourself another chance? You have learned and overcame but are you still haunted by invisible labels and tattoos? Many of us walk around with low self-esteem, self-fulfilling prophecies and with the imposter syndrome. Let’s talk about it.

A self-fulling prophecy is when we allow the negative expectations of others infiltrate our heart and we eventually believe it and act them out. Someone says, “you will be just like your father and do this” and you believe it to be true and fall right into the same trap. You could have been the change but everything around you pointed to the same road so you followed it. Create your own path? How? So, we do what is least challenging because it comfortable.

The imposter syndrome is quite interesting. Its feelings of inadequacy despite success and achievement. It is self-doubt that speaks louder than the reality of what you have attained or accomplished. Where did this voice come from? What happened? The root is something to address. These mentalities will turn your internal labels into tattoos if you let it. It often requires some form of intervention, therapy, or self-realization. I implore you to speak positively to yourself. The impression of you introduced to you is NOT you. Give yourself another chance. Every day you have life is another day to make a change. No its not an overnight process but one that requires practice. Practice affirmations and declarations in the mirror. Recite them until you believe them. It’s a hard reboot that’s necessary. That same energy we give to others when we develop an we allow to evolve or change, give to yourself. I’m here to say give yourself a break, applaud your efforts and be reintroduced to the new you. The overcomes, winner, the determined and resilient you. We all have a story but the fact your still standing says a lot. 

No one is perfect but develop a growth mindset. A growth mindset is embracing of facts but with courage and determination to make a change with some effort. Approaching what was once a challenge for you with fresh eyes and believing that favorable results will be your new norm and outcome. Do away with the fixed mindset. Your failures, shortcomings and struggles or past is not innate. Even if you mirror a loved one. You can’t keep telling yourself that you are like them. You can and will be better. Your roots are a part of your story. Roots are dark but leaves and the fruit of who you are is vibrant, tasty and beautiful. You have the opportunity to become photosynthesized by the shift of your mindset and live life in color. You’re the flower of your generation. Be great and BLOOM! 

In the words of Jay-Z, “allow me to reintroduce myself, my name is ——”. You fill in the blank with positive adjectives.

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Prepare for Takeoff

Sometimes, we are waiting for our lives to “takeoff” and were confused about why we may still be in a “queue” (British) or line. God is the both the control center and the Divine Pilot. He is seated in the “pit” of our lives and desires us to arrive at our destined place but needs our cooperation. There are instructions to follow. He has a team providing them and demonstrating what safety looks like. He prepared for this moment. He came fully loaded and everything is in place. I PAID a price already for the seat that I occupy. This seat has my name on it, I belong here. What I could not cover, He took care of it.

 Aircraft does not take off sometimes due to factors such as weight(baggage), altitude pressure and runway conditions. I had to check myself. You have been “grounded” for so long but isn’t time? What is going on? What weight are you carrying that is excess that isn’t even yours? The altitude of my faith, where is it? And most importantly, what is going on with the runway of my life? God has already cleared there way and gave a green light. The signals were very clear, but I couldn’t see it.

 I then asked myself, aren’t you not built to go the distance? What is going on with the surface of the path? And is there fear? I got my answer tonight in Midnight Prayer (Encounter). My spiritual father, Dr. Courtney M. Bradley elaborated on being fastened. I then realized that it is me. I must be deliberate about being “fastened” in Him so he can take me where I need to go at the correct attitude. My problem was I couldn’t grasp what that meant or what was needed from me. It dawned on me afterwards that not only have things been demonstrated, but there is also a manual and guide to refer to.  Even if I am afraid of the height; even if I never been this way before I MUST trust that He is an expert in my life.

:Always forward, never backward” – Abraham Lincoln

God’s plan isn’t to disappoint or crash. My expected end doesn’t include casualties but life. He made the announcement for me to “prepare” and that’s my cue to use what is provided to “buckle up”. I am precious cargo to Him. I am not on this ride alone. My dear friend Tameka Samuels said when we take heed to the instruction to “be fastened then we can withstand the sudden (or projected) turbulence and winds”. In order to soar, we need speed and that’s what God is trying to build if we let Him. It is our time to soar. Soar over dangerous waters, conquer our fears, experience unchartered territory, and discover, escape the past, expand our perspective, learn, become more cultured in Him. It’s not time to loose control but allow him to be in cruise control. I don’t know about you but I’m ready for takeoff.

Time to SOAR!
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Meddle, Mitigate and Mediate

Meddle, Mitigate and Mediate … What’s the Difference?

What a mouthful! These three actions are all unique in their own way. What makes the lines blurred are variated perspectives. All three can be misinterpreted due to motive and the nature of relationships.Some argue that they are all the same but there are thin lines between them all. Thanks to Google, we can dive right in with the definitions.

Meddle –to interest oneself in what is not one’s concern, interfere without right

Mitigate – to make less severe, serious, or painful

Mediate – intervene between people in a dispute in order to bring about an agreement or reconciliation.

One is proactive and the other two are reactive. Have you guessed which ones belong in which category? Being proactive is the ability to have sight. To foresee a situation getting out of hand and desiring to do something about it before it manifests. Proactive people mitigate. They are strategic people who have a certain finesse. This person has foresight, is very observant and exercises logic.

People who are reactive are often meddlers and people who aim to assist after a situation has already taken place which is to mediate the problem. These individuals are often emotional creatures who respond with what they feel is right whether the approach, timing and words are appropriate. They love hard and show their support by jumping in the middle with ones well being in mind.

Parents, significant others, close friends or peers often tend to jump ahead of reason and aim to defend. During a heated war, argument or intense situation, our emotions, feelings and even ego all rise like a volcano or some of us are a calm as lake. Regardless of your stance its about your response. The first things to consider is the nature of the situation. Do I take a side or a stand? Its imperative to take a moment to consider your values and proceed with caution. One would have to exercise much wisdom and have some ability to resolve conflict with ease.  

With taking a stand for what is right, it might put you in a diametrically opposed view from that one that you care for. Its imperative that we express care for others by being truthful and letting your moral compass take over. At this point, when a situation has already occurred it is best to figure out how to intervene and reconcile the issue. Consider if this is something you should be concerned with regardless of relation to the opposers, consider how your actions would trigger reactions and responses. Consider if your interference or will intensify the issue or bring some light and reason. If you can’t alleviate the situation and you don’t have influence over each side, then I would advise you to seek additional help. Professional help (in some cases) and to remain from getting in between. Sometimes environment has everything to do with the way in which you choose to intervene. Know your place, know the rules and/or procedures and  act accordingly,

Let’s recap. Ask yourself, which of the three postures do I embody? Is this setting professional or casual? Am I being proactive or reactive? Will me getting involved alleviate the situation in any way or cause a greater complication? Do I have some level of authority? Will getting involved put me in danger? Do I have something of great value to impart or do I just love the sound of my own voice? Am I bringing about change or do I just like being involved? What is my relationship to those involved and will my response destroy or affirm it?

There are so many things to consider before you decide to get invovled. Whether your the Good Samaritan, Superhero , friend or just a concerned bystander. Get to know the fine lines between each posture and abide by what you believe to be the right thing.

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Confusion and Relationships

Let’s start by defining confusion. Some call it drama, issues, problems created by a misinterpretation of information or lack thereof. Google provided this lovely rendition that states that is the lack of understanding. Its synonyms include unclear, uncertainty, unsure, bewilderment and perplexity.

We all heard it before. Communication is the answer to a crazy situation or confusion. Communication creates an avenue for clarity and enlightenment. One must be brave and mature enough to approach a situation seeking understanding. Many often just wish to get their point across without applying effective listening. Worst yet, others fill voids with assumptions.

Perspective is everything. Our perspectives are often shaped by our psychological and environmental conditioning. We are either coming to conclusions in our own minds or our experiences has shaped the way we define or interpret situations. The way you see things also complicates and magnifies a situation.

We must come to terms with a crossroad in every relationship. Do I wish to stay or to go? Whether or not someone means the world to you or not. Avoidance of a person or situation isn’t helping. Anyone you know ever saw things clearly by shutting their eyes? One must desire to handle things with civil or gracious manner. Regardless of what took place. I get it, respect is often earned and not just given but maturity says that some things are better off if you become the bigger person. The person of reason even if it means catching a bullet amid a heated war. When situations happen and you appear at that crossroads, you should know where you stand. Regardless of where you are in a relationship it should be our desire to gain clarity. Expressing how you feel respectfully is not a sin nor a broken law. The immature and insincere create assumptions or aim to control a narrative without facts. Too many times, we witness beautiful relationships become brief encounters all because no one was willing to seek out clarity. That moment of transparency to get things into perspective.

If someone means anything to you, it should never get out of hand. Communication should be constant and honest. Some level of integrity needs to be present to maintain any relationship whether its work related, a significant other, family member or a friend. Nothing you treasure should be dragged in muddy waters. A simple conversation is like a clean shower and a spa. There is a sense of relief and freedom that comes along with communication. Caring is sharing thoughts expressed with a measure of couth. If you care, you would never leave someone bewildered about a situation or unclear about where they stand with you. Communication says I am upset yet I am willing to speak. Effective communication is needed always. Look at Businesses or teams in general. How can people execute or accomplish anything without being united in clear vision? Whether your frustrated or betrayed, we all deserve a chance to speak our minds even if it’s to say goodbye. Question is, which lens are you seeing the situation through? Confusion is like an unwanted bookmark in a story that you have yet to finish. Clarity would remove all the questions and provide the right answers if we are willing to receive it.

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The Great Debate on Emotions

WARNING! This blog contains touchy subject matter!

For starters, let me make the bold statement of stating that Depression is not a choice!

This may be controversial for some of spiritual backgrounds or unique opinions. It is fine to be diametrically opposed respectfully. However, there are some that need to hear this. If you or someone you know suffers with anxiety or symptoms of depression, you already know how heavy this topic is.

What is depression exactly? It is a mood disorder that causes changes in temperament that may be gradual or sudden. It is a persistent or occasional feeling of suddenness and loss of interest. Depression is mental health disorder. Anything dealing with the brain affects the remainder of your body and does cause some health issues. There are some physical factors linked to depression as heart disease, drastic weight loss or gain, fatigue, hypothyroidism and much more.

According to my research over 264 million people suffer depression. That’s millions of people fighting through each day or certain seasons.  Depression can lead to suicide. Approximately 800,000 people commit suicide annually. Now that is a great number and I believe it can be preventable for most. Depression is enough to manage along not to mention the external complexities of life events and circumstances that add to it. The worst part of dealing with certain symptoms is judgement. Negative, dismissive, or judgmental comments coming from anyone is critical to someone in this state. You can push them away, cause them to shut down and even slip deeper into a whole. Many would argue that your words do nothing. As stated in a previous blog “Sticks and Stones” you will see that it is quite detrimental. How can we mitigate this? By support and kindness.  Now, I am not suggesting you walk on eggshells but to be considerate of the fragility of that person’s mind and emotions.Get them talking and try to find out their triggers. This would help your relationship greatly if you had an idea of senstive topics and/or situations.

The great debate has been the argument of the gene vs. the person. Sometimes it is both. Some people are predisposed to certain actions, symptoms, and behaviors. Others develop such symptoms in their juvenile state, adolescence and even adulthood. We all go through something where it might make you question your worth, existence, and purpose. However, it gets dangerous when you are hopeless and believe you would be doing everyone a favor by removing yourself permanently. Some experience trauma and have not appropriately dealt with such blows and continue to smile and occupy time and mental space with activities and work. Some burry themselves in their hobbies. Look at some of the greatest celebrities we know struggle with substance abuse, depression and the list continues on. They have everything it seems except happiness. They become perfectionist and exhibit other qualities where their profession is the core of their existence. It makes sense why some are distraught when their careers make left turns. The people to watch are not always the ones in the corner sulking. Contrary to most common belief, it is the person in charge of everything, dealing with pressure and responsibility. It’s the person smiling and fully functional. They are team players and most commonly creatives. We hear the saying “I am an Artist, and I am sensitive about my stuff!” Many are tired to their gifts and abilities.

Creatives, Artists, Leaders everyone deal with various levels of depression. Some people can bounce back faster than others. We often judge people by their leaves. Leaves are external and visible features. We rarely know or acknowledge the root. Many fail to go that deep to someone. All you have to do is to accept that these occurrences are real and your loved one or friend is not some hypochondriac seeking attention.

I am highly convinced that many depressed individuals are empaths. Everyone has a measure of empathy within. Unless you are a sociopath, you will feel something. However, empaths have the ability to embrace everything and feel everyone in their atmosphere. They are often sensitive and tend to be some of the most mindful, thoughtful, caring individuals. Many are emotionally intelligent and uniquely observant. There is a plethora of reasons why someone may be emotional or depressed. Not everyone can handle a million things thrown at them. I personally prefer to say that a person has a compromised resilience tolerance.

The truth is, many people who suffer with this illness absolutely hate the feeling. They desire to be upbeat and have stability. Nobody chooses to lose passion, desire and fire within the things they loved most. Nobody wants to cry themselves to sleep.Many who are severely depressed are often experience systems unbeknownst to many around them. The phrase “misery likes company!” Is Not true for all people. Facades are worn to dismiss judgement and labels. It is like feeling trapped in a box underwater and left to mental sharks who smell blood. We demonize, ostracize and citizen people who deal with such symptoms even if they are fully functional. I recommend that we make it acceptable to say, “I AM NOT OKAY!” and create windows and doors for assistance.

As the holiday’s quickly approach. I would encourage everyone to check in with everyone they know and love. Donate to the homeless and those less fortunate who must sit and watch the world shop and spread love and joy. Smiles, shopping, holiday décor does not mean that they are well either. Many who have lost loved ones or do not have families are often down during this season. They do not need a pity party what they need is someone sincere just to be there. “They say its better to give than to receive” so while we are amidst the giving season lets give priceless gifts like love, support, prayers and kindness.

Encourage yourself or others to seek help and be surrounded by positive things. Positivity can be a religious community, friends, loves ones or just fun amongst good people. I strong suggest seeking professional help. There is nothing wrong with talking to someone who can help you make sense of things as well as tap into your faith. As a Christian, I stress having a personal and honest relationship with God. Many may never understand what you’re dealing with but He does. You can be healed but you must be honest with the Celestial Doctor and tell Him where it hurts. Truth is, He is the remedy over any prescription a physician can subscribe.

Here are some resources and hotlines to call in case you ever should need someone

https://www.betterhelp.com/

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Abuse before Abuse

Simply put, abuse is defined as improper use or treatment. When it comes to relationships, everyone has different mental models. It is our lens of how we define and justify certain behaviors. Our mental models teach us to reject or accept behaviors and shapes our own behavior. It is our perspective based on our upbringing, past experiences.

For those predisposed to abuse, you are somewhat desensitized. You don’t realize how accustomed you are to certain traits. You may dislike certain things, but the process of acceptance tells you subconsciously that this is life, this is just the way things are. Maybe this is just the way things are meant for you. Its all a lie.

For others, its an initial shock; “the I cant believe they did…” moment. When you blame yourself for not defending yourself and acceptance of certain behaviors. Many are so desperate to be married or in a relationship that they keep lying to themselves thinking it will get better soon. He or she will and can change. They won’t don’t try to convince yourself.

There are several warning signs that we should be mindful of. A lot of times, physical abuse begins with verbal and mental control. If you can break someone down emotionally and mentally manipulate them, chances are you can move on to physical encounters.

Many abusers are great pretenders. They are socialites that know how to sweet talk and impress an entire room. They are charismatic and easy going. If anyone wherever to disclose poor behaviors, it would be hard to believe. The most dangerous people are not the ones with the obvious outburst but the secretive and private behaviors. In public, you will notice a drastic change in behavior. They are holding your hand, showing affection, sharing stories of your love and the charade is on like prime-time television. They may whisper sweet nothings in the moment and have what I call “photo op moments”. If something is being recorded or photos are taken, they know how to play their part. In private, you will notice their behavior switches right off. You do not have to say anything they are suddenly cold. Nothing you do is ever good enough for them. The praise they once sung disappears. They do not wish to be affectionate or kind with their words. Some words are often appalling and degrading.

Name calling is very prevalent, or you may you experience double sided compliments. Statements vary like “ You look pretty, tonight but you just gotta fix your teeth and you’ll be fine” to “You’re so lucky, I never date African American women, I only date Hispanic ones and for some reason I find you attractive. The list can go on and on. Those compliments are loaded with insults and they speak volumes as to the state of their heart and posture towards you.  Real love will never have you insecure where you were once confident, break you down or make you feel small. Love builds, encourages, and esteems highly.

Staring arguments where your always to blame, deflecting thier issues on you is a form of abuse.

Some abusers will embarrass you publicly and have you mentally controlled. They hold something above you to keep you in the relationship where you feel trapped and that this person in some way cares. You want to leave but then analyze other acts and convince yourself that this person is not all that bad.

Some abusive partners start fights with you or blames you for issues that have nothing to do with you directly. They will find a way to put the focus and attention back on you if ever challenged. Some who experience outburst also find a way to justify their actions and tell you if you had not have said or something wrong then they would have no reason to react this way. You are the trigger; you are the problem. Don’t hold your head down and don’t accept that. 

It’s okay to take a stand for yourself and be assertive in a conversation. Some partners believe in monologues where you are not allowed to express your displeasure or opinion. Those are sure signs of abuse. You may have never be physically struck but it is still abuse. Any form of psychological game or manipulation, verbal degradation (abrasiveness) or force will for any reason at all is ABUSE.

If just the thought of your partner coming close, coming home or being in your vicinity makes your nervous that is a neon flag not to ignore. Whether you are in a committed relationship or married, for someone to force themselves on you without consent is abuse. If they ignore your audible plead to cease an action and they justify forced sex as a duty or your obligation… I am so sorry to tell you this, but it is abuse. If they do not care about how you feel emotionally and physically it is a sure sign that this was not a match made in Heaven. It is safe to call it hell.

You don’t deserve this!!

Sometimes, abusers are great with words, they are often controlling and narcissists. Sometimes we look at a person’s history and say to ourselves “well they were abused as a child, I have to teach them how to love”. You cannot pour into anything with a lid. People like that are already full of their past and their own evil mental models that shaped their thinking. My friend Jeremiah Ware revamped the adage by saying “Hurt people, hurt people but {healed people help people}.” It is not your duty to heal anyone or attempt to help. They need divine and professional help to unpack whatever internal battles they are experiencing.

If any of this is hitting home, please seek help. There is no shame in wanting a better life. You deserve to be treated with respect. Whether or not you see yourself as valuable, please know that you are not stupid, ugly or undesirable. Everyone is worthy of love. You are not broken, you’re not a “hot mess”. You can experience real love but let it begin within.

Please reach out to a Clergy member, hotline, or center for abuse. Your voice matters don’t let your experiences put you in a box of shame. When life deals you a tough hand, its an opportunity to learn your own resilience and discover your own strength. Be well!

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From State to State

Let’s jump right into it. A state has an ambiguous meaning. It can be a geographical place within a country, a state of mind and even a posture.

Oftentimes, I hear people say “change of environment is essential” so they leave their home in hopes to find solace and peace elsewhere. I do agree that every now and then we need to just get away. We need to relax, release, and just dwell in peace or maybe have some fun. We all deserve that. Change of environment affects one’s mood and shifts perspective as well.

One thing that is for sure; ultimately, it’s your posture that is a direct correlation to your state of mind. If I am unhappy with my life or feel frustrated, shifting my location is all that I am doing it does not remove the issue. That same mentality travels with you. We go places mentally and sometimes we lose our passport. We have no admission back to that homeostasis of internal peace. We lose ourselves in the land of frustration, being overwhelmed and so much more. We look for external reasons to take the blame for your current situation instead of searching within. You know what they say “when someone wants to leave they will find a million reasons to go can’t find one to stay”- Unknown.

If someone is a go getter and that state of mind is their posture no matter where you place them, they will strive. My point is, if you really believe that moving elsewhere is the answer to your problems you are in for a rude awakening. Yes, some people thrive after they shift locations, but you must have the right mentality in order to make that life adjustment. You may have unfavorable conditions where you are right now but trust me there is much you can experience that is wonderful in the eye of a storm.

I am all for traveling the world or exploring a new place. Sometimes we need a fresh start but just keep in mind that the fresh start must being with YOU.

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A Clean House

I woke up feeling disgusted and confused to some extent. The house was in every way disheveled and unorganized. When things were far from put together. It affected me mentally and also shifted my mood.

In any home, things typically quickly accumulate or slowly build. That goes for dishes, laundry and even dirt. This happens intentionally or unintentionally. The key factor is you. You must be the one to recognize the need for cleaning. Sometimes you aware of the change immediately other times it just hits you like a ton of bricks. Being aware is only part of it. Next, you must make time and be motivated to make that change. You can see a pile up and keep saying tomorrow or later I will do that. Living non-motivated to make changes.

 Suddenly, your doorbell rings and an unexpected visitor stops by. You are left embarrassed or quickly trying to fix things. By then it’s too late. You make comments like “Excuse the mess” or “I’ve been so busy I haven’t had time to clean up” with nervous laughter following.

I don’t know about you but cleaning is extremely cathartic and therapeutic for me. When my environment is clear and I feel free in my mind, I’m and overall happy. It’s welcoming and I get a sense of freedom. I took a moment to take it all in. I noticed the breeze from the window was the epitome of a perfect September afternoon. The smell of fresh linens, “Bath & Body” works signature scents in the air, the sight of glossed floors and well-organized space did something to me. I felt empowered and oh so good. Creativity started flowing and I was free to be my artistic self.

While wrist deep in a soapy environment the Lord whispered to me. You love how this feels right? That is great for the home, but what about you? I almost dropped the pot cover. Wow! What about me? I knew exactly what He meant. He was not referring to the space or even the boost in my mood. I am the vessel who houses God. His presence lives me, but my spirit has been junky. I recognized a lethargy in my spirit but was saying “I’ll take care of later or I don’t even wanna address this right now” Spiritual procrastination, neglect and eventually build-up. Spiritual build-up is the daily failure to renew my mind and spirit. The failure to communicate with the Savior to get rid of the dust of worry, the muck of stress and pile up from the doors I opened to the enemy. He resides inside of me and what an insult to be surrounded by the external and internal elements that have left a residue. Its unwelcoming and uninviting. Who feels comfortable in a dirty house? I was immediately convicted, and I needed to repent.

I said “Lord purge me. I want to turn from my wicked ways. Everything that upsets you please forgive me and help me to live the way you desire. I want you to smile when you see me. I want to do what is most pleasing to you after all I am the apple of your eye.”

PSALM 51:10- Clean heart, renew my spirit

Sometimes external things are easier to spot and you get uncomfortable enough to do something about it but internal mess we allow ourselves to live comfortably with. Christ lives within, no unwanted guests can dwell here. Just a clean atmosphere to maintain freedom, joy with no clutter. Every house is not a home, but I desire to be that vessel and that place He can call home.

Sometimes, we have to check our environment and monitor what’s being placed within. Is this a waste or is this edifying?… and where do I place this or that? Every home has a place for treasured items and a place for waste. When the two mix, we are in trouble. You must ask yourself “am I just living recklessly or am I being intentional about managing my home? I was perturbed by the disgust I felt internally and externally but so grateful that I recognized, acknowledged, and ran to the source that can help me clean up.

Sometimes when people clean, they put on their favorite jams that sustains their momentum. Oftentimes, music is very essential during this cleaning process. What are you playing as the soundtrack to keep you spiritually clear? Music that edifies or infiltrates. It is a spiritual experience and we should be very careful as to what we feed our spirit. It’s important that we protect our gates. Our ears, sight, heart are some gates to protect. They should have a combination that only God has the code for on them. In Isaiah 52:11 KJV tells that those that bare the vessels of the Lord should not touch the unclean thing. We ought to be Holy vessels not defiled ones. Imagine someone coming over to your home and thirsty and requests water. Would you take a dirty cup and then serve them? We are saved to serve and we can’t contaminate the people we are called to help save and heal.  

Thankfully, repentance is like a combination of Mr. Clean, Clorox, Lysol, and any other substance you clean with. It is an opportunity to wipe clean, purify and purge. When you don’t feel good about or in your environment, check in with the one who lives within and I guarantee things will change. You can’t do this type of cleaning on your own.