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All Dead Things Have an Odor: The effect, infect and affect.

Anything that is dead has a strong and very distinct smell due to decomposition (decay) and bacteria breakdown. Everything that is dead has an odor; an indication of what has expired, what needs to be buried or removed from our lives.

Naturally, products have a shelf life or provide an expiration date to indicate when the duration of quality is up.  It’s a safeguard from poisoning and a way to manage freshness. It provides you with information to make informed decisions on what you select.

Let’s consider our refrigerator, when things are spoiled, moldy or expired it will offend your nostrils. No matter how many boxes of baking soda you have present, the smell will emerge and overpower. It’s an indicator to those who are sensitive or aware. There is a time where you cannot pretend to be “nose blind” because it will be that offensive. Sometimes, we like being naive and other times we are just numb due to repeated and prolonged exposure to the offense. We don’t even realize how we are being infected, affected, or effected. This is why we need people in our lives to hold us accountable. People that will be bold and caring enough to alert you. We also must keep in mind what we have ignored does and will affect others.

There are people, places, experiences, relationships etc. all past the expiration date were still holding on to. It’s offending us, infecting our moods, joy, peace and happiness. It allows us to hold on to offense and be defensive. It’s a consistent stench in our lives that we give a reaction to but it’s time to back up with action. How many times do you use that garbage that has foul smelling items inside before we are fed up and decide to take the trash out? Some may act immediately, other say “it’s not that bad”. Either way there comes a time when you must be responsible for what you allow in your environment and make a move. We have the power to allow something to infect and affect us. We are living in evidence of our decisions. What we did and even failed to do. Life will happen without your permission but for that which we can control, we must take control.

We often say “oh it’s a new day; I’m letting go of people place and things which no longer serve us” but we don’t mean it until much later. There’s the justification process, the internal war until it gets bad enough to say, “I can’t take this anymore”.  The act of letting go or releasing is a powerful one. Sometimes, it’s just painful. At one point, that thing or person was a blessing, useful or even brought us joy. In the past, there was pleasure and now it’s a belligerent issue or creating a threatening or disrespectful environment. You don’t need a neon sign, red flag or something nefarious to know when it’s time to let go. If it’s dead, it becomes dead weight. If it’s dead, it will stink up your life. Let go! It’s not benefitting, it’s not serving great purpose, it’s not an enhancement, it’s not an upgrade, it doesn’t improve your overall well-being. Let it Go!

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Sweet on You

I’m Sweet On You

From childhood to adulthood, most of us crave something savory, rich, creamy, and sweet. The sales grow by at least 5% worldwide and it’s all for ice cream. Ice cream serves as a treat, an escape, a snack, a dessert, a mood booster, and most certainly a comfort food.

Your taste buds may go from simple to an expanded pallet, but it will always be something to crave whether it’s a heat wave or cold outside. We all have our preferences in flavors and serving options. Some like vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and even exotic flavors. Others like it fried, as a milkshake, some out of a bowl, some on a cone, and others straight out of the container. There are others who focus on texture and feel and prefer it hard, soft, or even melted.  Regardless of how you like it, you just have to have it.

Coldstones is a popular crematory ice cream chain. You get a customized order of your liking. You choose everything from the size and toppings; you can choose from signatures or design your own, it is a true experience. One thing I have always loved was the sizing options, it’s labeled creatively. The three basic sizes are “like it”, “love it” and “gotta have it” which to me gives a sensual connotation. More than your typical reference but truly reminds me of sex.

Nothing’s taboo here, we all like “ice cream”. Think about the description, how we prefer it to be served, favors, sizes, and more. Your mind can run wild here but there’s something special I gained from reviewing the sizes. In relationships, we either come in with preferences or attain them along with way with experience. Your body will speak to you about the levels of sex and intimacy you crave. Many relationships fall apart for several reasons and one major one is a unsatisfied partner. While intimacy, quality time, and other aspects of a relationship are essential for growth, security, and longevity; connectivity plays a major role. Your hormones control your moods and many aspects of your personal life and permeate into the pores of your relationship. Many people will tell you that things started to go downhill after their sex life began suffering.

It’s imperative to ask hard and sometimes intrusive questions while dating or courting. You need to know what your partner’s needs and desires are. Not always will they match a hundred percent but it’s good insight. Use that detail to make an informed decision about your future together. For instance, let’s go back to the Coldstones measurements LIKE IT. LOVE IT. GOTTA HAEIT. A partner who merely enjoys sex linked with a partner who has to have it is going to struggle a bit. One partner may feel unsatisfied or if not spoken about internalize the body language as a rejection. Others may feel that one partner is too focused on sex and that other things do not matter to them which could be completely wrong. Your mismatched libidos (sex drives) can cause a dilemma and much frustration. There is a thing called sex drive discrepancy (SDD) when partners experience different levels or a different frequency of sexual activity. It’s like wanting to share your ice cream with your lover but they are lactose intolerant. This may not mean that you are with the wrong person. However, it does mean it’s something to discuss.

Communication should be paramount in your relationship. Couples should consider this topic while calm and when both partners are ready to be transparent. I would suggest before becoming intimate, so you have an idea of what you’re walking into. If I had to go somewhere temporarily, I would pack for it, which calls for preparation. You need to do some research, is it cold or hot? How do I brace myself for my intended experience? Be prepared to actively listen and communicate your needs unapologetically, discuss your levels of freakiness or openness (a whole other discussion), safe words, and things you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with. Discuss what makes you feel appreciated, and what feels good, and define what pleasure means to you. Don’t give up on each other, be patient, find common ground if you can, and work on meeting in the middle. Remember that ninety percent of communication is non-verbal and what you don’t discuss is left up to your partner’s imagination, assumption, and misinterpretation. Having a healthy relationship includes all aspects of your relationship being addressed. Let your partner feel and know that you’re sweet on them! Enjoy your sweet treat!

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Sonic the Hedgehog Movie Review

I believe that the Sonic the Hedgehog movie was more than just your averaged feel-good movie filled with action and adventure. There is an undertone of understanding your power and the power of acceptance.

The Hedgehog named Sonic is the main character. He grows up sheltered because he was born gifted and couldn’t control or understand his power nor the way the world worked. He was able to use his gift and master skills but he had much to learn about life, interaction with others, social cues, and the perception of danger.

After losing a parent tragically, he has to grow up fast taking care of himself and living in the shadows. Hiding to keep his gifts from being exposed in fear of being captured. I learned that powerful people will always have a target on their backs. People who are different aren’t understood, they are first judged. There is another group of people who are eager to control, manipulate, and use those who are different or vulnerable  in order to feel powerful. Have you ever noticed that most villains had some tragic life event they never healed from? They end up bitter and evil and that’s where narcissism, evil, arrogance, and world domination come from. Most villains wear their insecurities as garments to seek control and simultaneously revenge by projecting their feelings onto the innocent.

Sonic dealt with just that. An evil dominating figure who used technology and achievements to create a grandiose self-image to mask his low self-worth and past. Sonic was seen as an outsider and a threat.  He was pursued but what the mad scientist didn’t understand was the power of acceptance and community. Sonic developed a trusting relationship and was genuinely loved and accepted. Someone took time to know him and see him for who he was. They didn’t want to consume or smother his gifts but teach him how to operate in wisdom and discretion.

They also taught him balance. He got the lesson of a lifetime by learning that “all his life he didn’t have to fight” (or in this case run). There was no longer a need for a “ring of escape” with a “ring of support”. Someone had his back this time, finally, he was not alone. He can finally pause and slow down. His friends welcomed him into their lives, home, family, and most of all hearts and that’s what the real connection was about. Fur or skin they connected on human values and issues and established common ground. We all need that to go where we are loved and settle where we are accepted. I learned that inclusion and equity are not the same. One action says “I’m tolerating your presence” while the other boldly proclaims that “you are welcome and have a place here”.

“there was no longer a need for a ring of escape with a ring of support!”

Sonic participated in the exchange of love, friendship, and acceptance. He taught others that what they thought of as mundane, or average was something special and to be grateful. He had a new perspective on life and the world the humans lived in within the small town. What he witnessed was trust, honor and community and he highlighted the fat that they should never take it for granted. Sonic was privileged to experience what most crave, a healthy relationship. I have a few questions for you…

  1. Are the people in your life reciprocating love and support?
  2. Are you in an environment where you are accepted?
  3. Is your voice respected? and is there autonomy?
  4. Do you feel seen, heard, and understood?
  5. Do you feel safe and protected?
  6. Are there balanced relationships?
  7. What do you define as a healthy community?

If you answered “no” to any of these questions, what would you do to change it? We’re not going to make it in this world alone. We need the right people to endure challenges, help us realize our full potential, grow and accept the dreams really do come true.

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Happy Wife, Happy Life

“Happy wife, happy life!” is an old adage that seems to be widely accepted but should be reevaluated. Initially, it was created with the connotation that if your partner is happy then ultimately, you will be too. That’s wise! However, when I think of this phrase; it paints a picture of this subservient, emasculated male ignoring his boundaries, autonomy, voice and opinion all for the sake of saving his marriage.

It’s safe to say that many believe that once a woman seemed to be pleased and has some form of control, then the marriage is successful. Although an antiquated belief that men are the head of the household, whatever happened to a partnership perspective? Pardon me, but nothing is truly successful unless there are mutual benefactors.

Healthy relationships are not the absence of opposition or conflict but rather measured by the strength to overcome as a unit. It’s okay to have diametrically opposed views. One does not need to become “small” or hide a perspective because it will upset another. Your partner should validate your feelings as well as respect your view. We are individuals, no human is exactly alike, and our life experiences, values and world views are not going to be identical either. It does not matter how compatible you are. At some point, you’re going to disagree.

We can no longer accept self-abandonment to replace relational intelligence. Everyone needs relational skills, but it should begin with yourself. Knowing your needs and acknowledging them is a healthy mental state. Being able to say “no” and self-advocate are necessary because all of our needs and voice matters. If you feel the need to silence yourself or just acquiesce to keep the peace, then there are some greater issues in that relationship to explore. This form of behavior can also be patronizing and harmful. The “whatever you say” attitude will build up like a volcano and eventually explode regardless of your patience and tolerance levels. There is no way an individual can live happily always having to digress. Don’t get me wrong, we must be wise in choosing our battles and be conscious of when to compromise. The ability to discern which road to take is for healthy people in healthy relationships. This is for the folks in the back with no voice, leadership, joy, peace or respect. Men need safety and care too. Women were not the only ones born with emotions and feelings. Men are often taught to be strong to become the epitome of a man, but that has created pain, facades and anguish.

If you feel the need to prioritize your partners feelings by forsaking yours as lifestyle then you must seek counseling. Get help because there is a lack of security on all fronts. It could be that your partner is not a safe space, or you never been in a safe place and have difficulty exploring this new freedom. You matter, your mental and emotional health matters. KNOW that the state of your relationship needs to be a safe and nurturing environment that makes health its sole priority. Be well, live well!

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Discipline Vs. Deliverance

Just because you’ve kicked a ball (habit) really hard doesn’t mean it won’t be in the court of your life. The distance and journey of the ball is not significant as much as it being kicked over a fence or destroyed. Once intact, it will roll back into your life, especially if you’re in the same place.

Sometimes in life, we believe ourselves to be delivered from something when actually it went from in our hands to a few feet away. You may be elated that you “kicked a habit” with hard work and self- discipline but the truth is we can’t achieve anything on our own. Real discipline comes from hiding the word in your heart like treasure. The word of God has all the rules of the game inside. It keeps us in check and in line. Jesus will always be our referee, but we can’t presumptuously live; taking advantage of grace and mercy.

We need the holy spirit to truly uproot and eradicate things out of our lives so we can truly be free. To get us in motion to move forward so were not in the same place for that same ball to be kicked back to our courts. Having the right mentality will help with hat. 1 Corinthians 2:16 speaks about having the mind of Christ, His perspective for living to hold us accountable. Having like-minded people to hold us accountable is essential as well. Nobody can play a game alone; you need team players. Find you a good team and huddle up with truth as our game plan. Victory comes when we agree with Heaven and play for the same team, not against it.

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WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

SOMETIMES LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH!

So many are in search of a soulmate, their “person” and in love with love. However, there comes a time when you have to get your head out of the clouds and make strategic decisions that are far above your feelings.

Many arrive at that place in their relationship when things have intensified and are very serious. In the season that considers marriage and another level of commitment, there is a lot to consider. You’re going to make a vital decision that will shift the entire trajectory of your life. Understanding the severity of this single decision is key. It will affect every aspect of your daily life, success, and overall wellness.  

If you are planning and considering a union, then it is safe to say that you are in love. Besides obvious feelings and emotions, there are many things to analyze, discuss, disclose, and explore. We often believe that we are loving with “our eyes open” but in actuality, love has overpowered your senses. Something could be right under your nose or in your face but for some reason, it is undetectable and overlooked. I ask the question…are you capable of recognizing red flags or are you color blind? Are you only listening to your heart?

Everything isn’t as it seems. Taking a step back typically helps you locate the item. Temporarily moving from an environment that is fragrant-filled will make you recognize the distinction when you return. A chance to observe outside the stage of euphoria. A chance to put aside all the wonderful things you love about your partner and get real. All of this is necessary to make level-headed decisions to ensure your life is enhanced and not destroyed. I am not saying to break up. Please understand that sometimes when many date they lose sight of all the things they were and fail to connect with others to add balance. Dr. Cortney Bradley speaks about “expiring your prior”. Whoever you were before you got into this relationship, maintain it. Don’t allow people to come into your life and take you away from people, places, activities, routines, and beliefs to turn you into someone they could love.  Love is a risk you take with heart but should not be in the equation alone because what you love may not love you back or even benefit your life.

There is a reason why hindsight is considered 20/20. After some time, those high levels of dopamine and your chemical highs begin to settle, you begin to think more clearly. Some weigh their relationships by the metaphor of seeing the glass as half empty or half full. These major life decisions can’t be based on love alone. I challenge you to evaluate your partner in a similar manner. See them as a vessel that is either empty, fully overflowing, or broken. Half full or half empty is irrelevant because vessels can be easily refilled or emptied out.

Let’s delve deeper…

1. EMPTY: You cannot pour from an empty cup to give what you haven’t got. Some people are patient and are willing to take time to pour into their partner. They are hoping and believing that eventually, there will be substance to receive. This vessel can be special because it is full of potential for major capacity.

2. FULL: A full vessel can be exciting. It may seem like it’s packed with everything you desire. Full isn’t always a good thing. Someone can be full of themselves, issues from their past and so many unfavorable things. Evaluate their fullness and substance. Is this person full of love that will spill over? Is the fullness admirable characteristics or full of red and neon signs? What are you willing to accept?  Ask questions such as “is there any room for personal growth?… and is there room for me?

3. BROKEN: The final category. BEWARE!! And be very careful. The optimistic lover and person with a hero complex will see the potential here. Being positive and believing in someone’s growth is beautiful, however most people like where they are or are stuck somewhere you cannot help them move out of. You will recognize some room and space for development. Many will remain and try to work things out saying, “No one is perfect!”. It’s justified love. Making excuses to cover them because, after all, they are not bad people just have some intense issues.  When you are in love you are so eager to help, heal, and repair… newsflash! You cannot do it. You see some capacity but at some point, this person is incapable of holding on to what you give and unable to adequately pour back. There is a lack of flow, and you may be left dehydrated. The sharpness of the broken pieces is often fragments of deep trauma, pain, toxic traits, and unfavorable habits. These sharp edges can easily puncture what is authentic, tender, and vulnerable. It’s either you handle it with care or stand clear. A cut may appear to be simple, and you bandage it with forgiveness and much work. You may continue to bleed only to find out that although small, the cut is deeper than you initially accessed. Now you’re losing blood. Blood is a valuable source of life, oxygen, and nutrients. Bleeding is a depletion of energy and life that’s irreplaceable. You will recognize symptoms such as feeling emotionally fatigued, suffocation, or as if you are dying slowly (“Killing Me Softly”). It’s high time to reevaluate. This is now a wound and you may need assistance.

It’s imperative to know yourself and be strong as you stand knowing your worth is immeasurable. To know your standards and be self-aware. Did this vessel add to me or deplete me? It’s imperative to seek God via prayer and medication. Be bold enough to ask questions and courageous enough to accept his answers. God and therapy can help you heal and regain strength. Life is not over. Know that your heart is resilient, and you will bounce back. Sometimes, love isn’t enough, you need critical thinking not paranoia. You need to be analytical and honest by asking the right questions to gain clarity and a refined perspective. For resources in relation to love, communication, and analysis; check out my new book ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. ATC is a writing prompt to assist you with those hard questions, explore and discover, and gain clarity.

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED: 100+ Discussion Prompts For Deeper Connections: Renee, Chrissy: 9798859889907: Amazon.com: Books

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I’m TRANS… formed!

Let them be confused about who you are now! (Divine Misunderstanding)

– DR. courtney m. bradley

When you look at the transgender community, you’ll see a people who are fully persuaded about their lifestyle. They are passionate about transformation and “becoming”. Similar to Michelle Obamas book, there’s a whole process to endure as you evolve into what is new and who you were intended to be.

It’s high time that the body of Christ adapts that mentality as well be tenacious about our walk. So what if people are stuck on who you used to be? Let them be confused about who you are now. Be bold about your stance and choice in Christ. Endure the process, go to great lengths and be excited about your original self being introduced to you. Be transformed unapologetically!

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Support Me

God has made everyone unique, a wonderful dynamic of diversity. However, we often forget that concept. Our perspectives are often selfish, limited, biased, partial, cloudy, culturally based, or just shaped by the norms of our environments.

 Many have lost valuable relationships based on our lack of understanding. We forget that premise is correct, we are all different. We all vary in definitions and have peculiar perspectives, life encounters, influences, and environments. What’s common to you may be foreign to another. We tend to go to what and who feels familiar, a form of social subconscious bias. We tend to cling to people with whom we find the most commonalities. We naturally and sometimes intentionally avoid and reject all that is different from us that we may have challenges accepting. Sometimes the person or perspective challenges us. We don’t grow or expand our horizons sticking to what we know but rather live a life boxed in.

Even within our own circles, we have boxed-in mentalities that comes with a series of expectations. It’s not that others let us down; they were being themselves, but what let us down was our own expectations. We have monologues with ourselves (lacking communication) and say, “we’re close you “should know this and that”. This is why communication is essential to any form of interaction. Not everyone shows visible expressions of how they feel, not everyone is verbally expressive, and not everyone is emotionally intelligent. We must speak with each other.

The most common topic on people’s minds, posts, statuses, and conversations is … ME. I know Beyonce sang “Me, myself and I… that’s all I got in the end, that’s what I found out”. Most likely a narrative of hurt from a former lover. We often take hurt and pretend to be better when everything we’re portraying is really screaming the opposite. We don’t realize that we are a self-centered generation. We can’t recognize another’s pain and that fact has contributed to the rising number of suicide cases. The surviving is left to answer

  1. What signs did I miss?
  2. Where was I?
  3. Did I do enough?
  4. Could this have been prevented? And the rabbit hole of inquiries continues on…

We are often stuck in our own world. We may have a few people inside our bubble but yet still have ridiculous standards. One I would like to address in particular is the issue of the lack of support. We all have said it at some time in our lives. “We don’t feel supported” or “I support everyone but when it’s my turn, where is everyone?”. It’s good to be self-aware and know what your needs are as long as we’re not consumed by them. By all means, know thyself. Be familiar with your own love languages as part of your hierarchy of needs (Maslow) is demanding support, encouragement, or validation. However, I have a question?… Since you are requesting to be supported, in which way did you leave the door open or grant someone access to show up? Also, did you know that nobody has to support you? It’s not a criterion for life, it’s not a prerequisite for loyalty, and here is why.

As I stated previously, we are all different and our perspectives vary. Whether it’s what you’ve taught or your own concepts about life, we don’t all see the same. Can you wear other prescription glasses? Of course not, so we would have less of an emotional battle, and decreased frustration when we learn to accept that support means different things for different people. Just because you are close to someone doesn’t mean they will automatically pick up certain facts and preferences. Some things are obvious like a parent attending their child’s recital. There should be no question of “showing up” there. However, If you have an endeavor, achieve a goal, or reach a milestone, how people respond to you will vary. You will have to accept that fact and truly be okay with it.

In business, they tell you not to see your immediate circle as your clients and they are correct. Many close to the sun are blinded and they can’t quite see you and all your majesty. They will most likely not appreciate you until it becomes “dark” and they realized you brought sunshine to their lives. A realization only reality can bring.

You cannot force or manipulate people to support you. Support will be disingenuous and might be full of responses (verbal and non-verbal) that you may not like. Oftentimes, support will come from surprising sources.

There are many pros and cons to support. If you get it, appreciate it but if you don’t just know that it doesn’t take anything away from you. You are still amazing; most gems are often hidden and need to be found by someone who is searching for value or is professionally trained to recognize it.

Here are some disadvantages of a poor support system

  1. Prone to depression
  2. Vulnerable to suicide
  3. Questioning your worth
  4. Insecurities
  5. Feelings of loneliness
  6. Lack of security
  7. Increases Anxiety
  8. Confirms self-defense mechanisms
  9. A need to be strong all the time
  10. Adaptation to handling things on your own, later unwilling to accept help
  11. Resentment
  12. Cynicism

On the other hand, here is how support can be beneficial

  1. Boosts confidence
  2. More likely to thrive and accomplish goals
  3. Gain an extra push
  4. Boosts mood
  5. Serves as a community
  6. Provides a sense of belonging
  7. Increases strength
  8. Overall health and well-being
  9. Ability to speak up about issues and concerns

In today’s climate, there are a lot of regrets and destroyed relationships due to a lack of communication. Let’s remember that support looks different for eveyrone and is defined by unique perception.

Let’s us practice exercising genuine concern empathy and tapping into our emotional intelligence. Before a demise, the signs are all there. People just don’t commit suicide because they are sad. Sometimes they are just fed up with the world and how we treat them. Life in itself can beat upon someone but support and authentic connections can make a difference. Let’s throw kindness around like confetti and be the difference that makes someone’s world different!

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Dear Leader Part 1

Dear Leaders,

Mom often used this old adage… “Encouragement sweetens labor”. My Pastor says, “Lovers are not like workers, they don’t burn out!”. With that being said, it is always wise to uplift your team. It will increase morale, and confidence in their roles as well as enhance productivity.

This is not flattery or vain words to boost an ego. Sincere recognition of one’s potential and acknowledgment of one’s efforts will go a long way. Real leaders recognize future leaders and do their best to develop and guide them. When someone is in an environment that is encouraging, their potential is being watered. The grounds of their abilities are limitless. They begin to perceive the vision and mission in new ways. They love what they do and enjoy being a part of the team.

These motivated individuals are most likely to go above and beyond what’s required and often take initiative. Oftentimes, people who feel overlooked and have no sense of belonging quit, fall back, experience a decline in work ethic, have poor attitudes and the list continues. They are not bad people; every plant needs water to survive. Leadership is responsible to create, maintain and enhance the work environment. It needs to be one that is conducive to growth, and overall health with a goal to yield maximum and desired results.