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Unalived by Hopelessness

Warning! This read is heavy in terms of context. Please be advised. 

Disclaimer!! I am not. A mental health professional or provider. However, I have worked as a motivational interviewer and have experienced clients with suicidal ideation in the past. This post also contains my personal account, my opinion, and observations.

There are several categories of people who are unalived by suicide, and there are many reasons that lead to these actions. Everything is overwhelmed with inescapable unfavorable outcomes in areas such as serious mental illness, harassment, bullying, legal matters, forms of abuse, relationship troubles, personal and internal issues, religion and religious abuse, financial, business, media, government corruption, feelings of doom, and many other stressors. Many may experience a complex combination of the aforementioned.

The one I have personally experienced was hopelessness. It’s a feeling of despair; you do not have any positive feelings towards your future. You have lost optimism and become cynical towards life. You believe that nothing is going to change. Things will only get worse from here I don’t see things turning around. The glass is not even a quarter full at this point in life.

There are a million ways to end your life, and sometimes it’s an intentional way. It’s not just a choice or escape as most see it. Many see it as the only solution. I am here to enlighten those of you who feel like the act is a selfish act and that life is full of choices, and they chose the cowardly way out. These individuals are simply tired!

Suicide is the act of intentionally harming himself with the intention and motive to cause harm that will lead to death.  The heightened form of depression where medication and other methods seemed to have failed an individual. 

While some of you may cringe at the very thought of getting life insurance and creating a will others are planning their end. People say how selfish of someone to do this. Let’s talk about that. 

Do you believe that people sit around and say “ humph how can I hurt, devastate and traumatize my loved ones?” No! They actually perceive themselves as a burden and that live for all will be better and simply go on. We have seen it with some many. They become distant memories and that’s just the way life is. People will bounce back IF affected. All will be well when I’m gone. 

People think that there are obvious signs. Blatant signs where people become withdrawn, lose weight, focus and drive, sort out all their affairs, write letters, post stats on social media, and disappear. It’s simple declines like failure to practice basic self-care, refusal to take medication, failure to keep up with medical appointments, lack of interest in things that once brought joy, and subtleties. Many may still participate in activities, trying to act normal, but you’ll notice that the spark is gone. 

Sometimes it’s the high functioning individual, always smiling and producing. The one with trophies, accolades. massive platforms and money. This intentional act comes from enduring pain that cannot be easily remedied. A posture of hopelessness. It’s like going down a dark staircase. You may be afraid of the dark but for some reason something intrigues you to go. If you never been there you’ll never be able to relate. 

I encourage you never to minimize anyone’s experience when they share their stories, or trauma with you. Sometimes silence is okay too. A hug and genuine concern goes a long way. I use that word genuine because oftentimes it’s the empathic individuals that are depressed. These people have a special ability to interpret and understand behaviors, atmospheric changes. They pick up when you  have changed( even in the slightest sense) and are now just tolerating them. They feel everything and often feel alone.  They will know something is up and prepare themselves to quickly detach.

We only check on people during certain seasons when trauma occurred or maybe the holidays for those who may not have families but trust me when I say those are not times people feel alone. Loneliness doesn’t mean this person is literally isolated.  They just don’t feel a deep connection with those around them  people don’t seem to comprehend their need for a sense of belonging or connectivity. 

Society does give room for people to have breakdowns or express real feelings. We have things to do, places to go and people to see. You don’t want to worry anyone  or bring down the mood so what do you do put on your outside mask. Many are taugt to “suck it up “, “buck up”, “perk or pep up” immediately or after a short while, whether you’ve processed your feelings or not. It’s like sweeping things under a rug, eventually you’ll have allergies, an asthmatic reaction or just sneeze from the buildup up   You cannot operate like nothing happened or is happening. Sometimes the feelings don’t have language because people don’t quite understand why they feel the way they do: they haven’t identified their triggers or been burdened with their own questions and yet to find tools that work.

Yes, even in this “woke” generation where there is an increase of mental health awareness. A great awakening, but many of us are sleepwalking. We’re up but not fully conscious of our surroundings. Certain religious groups, corporate America, and in certain cultures, you’re humiliated and shamed for having a moment. An ignominious disgrace. This is why so many suffer in silence. People endure pain alone because they will be deemed crazy, people won’t get it, will be viewed as weak, perceived as someone without strong faith, and the labels continue on. The stigma is very prominent, and in today’s cancel culture, the last thing anyone wants to do is expose how they truly feel.

The d word people abused during this generation .. depression. That’s a real sickness and not a mood but rather a mode. A song stuck on repeat. You don’t choose it that spirit  hints you. You may feel strong and fight it. Your bounce back is strong and you’re fine. There are times when some people just struggle more than others. Life has beaten on them so much that they lost the strength to fight. Their curse words are motivation, determination and grit. Seemed so far fetched, unattainable. Why is everything so hard for me one may ask? 

3 am questions about worth and purpose plague them. Oftentimes, people with the biggest purpose in the planet struggle with questions about their identity and value to the world. They have an innate desire to do something big but struggle to attain it.  These people aren’t weak they’re strong, fighting every day to see clearly in the midst of muddied circumstances and situations. People just want to end pain and complex trauma. Some have eating disorders, some use substances others self-mutilate, and then eventually grow weary of doing so. This death is a surrender to hopelessness. The feeling of nothing working, life gave you a “bad hand”. You’re not seeing it as the strong ones getting tested; it’s unfair and unbearable. 

People say “oh, just play some music and find things that bring you joy!”… but what happens when that doesn’t work? There’s being down and there’s depression. Trust me, there are levels to this. Depression is actually a health condition listed under disabilities as of late. It is a persistent feeling of unshakeable sadness. From my perspective, it is coupled with loss of optimism, loss of hope, loss of appetite (or gain), loss of interest. loss of energy, mood swings, and feelings of guilt. It can be medically induced by brain or hormonal imbalances, and so much more. This disease comes to strip you of yourself.

It’s so imperative that we treat others with kindness. Your one bad day may be someone’s last straw and a huge trigger. For those who may say “someone’s demeanor or happiness shouldn’t be my responsibility “. It isn’t oh, self-centered one. It’s not about you, but let’s practice the ancient art of empathy, shall we? Doesn’t hurt or cost you anything to be cordial. Some who claim that discernment and emotional awareness are their strength should definitely do better. How we treat people matters. We have no idea what they deal with, and no it isn’t your responsibility. We all have life stressors, we all have major decisions and life-altering experiences, but we don’t all recover from it. 

Let’s discuss an interesting word, support. LOL. Oh, silly rabbit, it looks different for everyone, and one cannot assume that we “showed up” for someone by your own definitions. When you love someone, you learn their love languages, not expect your perception of love and support to fit like a tailored suit. For those with a superhero complex. You can’t love someone out of depression. However, you can just be a good human. Support may be a simple call, short text, brunch, and the list goes on. Support is definitely not telling someone off, thinking rough love is going to work to someone depressed, trust me, they’re already hard on themselves. The people close to us can tell when things have shifted. Normalize having hard conversations and asking uncomfortable questions regarding your relationship and any shifts in behavior or demeanor but take it easy. 

Support is also not limiting someone’s experience. “By now you’ve should have gotten over that”. or my favorite “I went through that too but you don’t hear me still discussing it or being affected today?”  You cannot compare pain  that’s unwise. One can carry 200 lbs when others can’t barely make a move with 80 lbs. Resilience has to be built and just like the gym those tools come from a licensed professional. 

Support is not using cliches and generalized commentary expecting the person just to perk up. Support can be prayer, a pop-up, and more. I got a lot of quotes with scriptures as a child like “be anxious for nothing” We did NOT have discussions about why I was feeling that way.. I was dealing with a lot and my parents had no idea. My life was being threatened by gangs, people who threatened to rape me, and a few jealous females. I’ve always been strong, and peer pressure was often defeated. I was the quiet mighty one. Like the condiment “sweet heat”. I was loving and gentle but can pack a verbal or literal punch. I wasn’t going to take anything lying down. However, I was deemed rebellious for not being “super religious”. I was also dealing with abuse, neglect, feelings of abandonment, molestation, and now my safety was threatened at church and in school.

I am a “PK” or preachers/prophets kid living under a microscope with tremendous pressure to be an perfect example for my peers. I didn’t have anyone to confide in. I was over it. I was crying myself to sleep and nobody could carry the weight of my truth. My parents proved they didn’t have time to listen and didn’t take certain issues seriously. I didn’t know what else to do. and started starving myself In middle school. I remember going to my cousin’s bridal fitting as a bridesmaid. As my mother and I graced the streets of Kings Highway in Brooklyn; I was compelled to walk across the highway I saw a huge white Mack truck fast approaching, and thought this is it. Stand here, breathe in and let whatever happen, just happen. It will be fast, I was ready. 

Miraculously I ended up back on the pavement. Must have been an angel. My mother was frozen in shock and had a facial expression in couldn’t never forget. I stood there numb. She began walking in silence and I followed. I still don’t know how I was saved but I believe God intervened. We never addressed my public cry for help. Why did I share this? Depression isn’t just adults struggling it’s an 11 year old, a small child, a pre teen too. It’s imperative for parents to provide a safe space for their children to express themselves and to actively  listen. 

The rising numbers among children are tremendous. Life is different for this generation, so I admonish those of you who work with children also to be vigilant with learning your students and being supportive. My support system was my Teachers. For me, what saved me was Gods love. He was the help that pulled me from the edge. His unconditional love. If you don’t know him I admonish you to give Him a chance. Having a spiritual foundation and a good therapist to navigate life will help. Sometimes you just need language and some tools. Life will never be easy but there are forms of support to make it manageable. 

Song that comes to mind: “ I was here” by Beyoncé. I used to sing that, thinking I’m saying goodbye but God kept me here.  He used several people to interrupt my plans like my Aunty Sherry-Ann (shout out) got me in the nick of time when pills and alcohol became my besties. I had two sick parents, one passed, one was on the way. I couldn’t handle seeing the strongest people in my life in their weakest moments. My only sources of love and connection were leaving me, and I did not see the point in living. The phone lines that were constantly ringing were now silent; people no longer said hello because the real person they wanted to get to was no longer here. I was told to “get over it” a week after I buried my mother. I was deemed weak in my religious organization.

We can’t prevent suicidal ideation for those whose mind is already made up but I believe in mediation and mitigation. Encourage them to go to therapy, drive them to their appointment if you have to. God does send us angels. I later found strength in my faith and got past the darkest season of my life. To my aunt Sherry-Ann thank you for “believing me” and caring enough to show up when I didnt even want the help.

If you are experiencing suicidal thought a or feel like life isn’t working please try one more time. I beg you to call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Help is available. Please put down that object or substance. There’s another side to life we need you here to witness it. It won’t be like this always. 

Again the people with the GREATEST purpose endure the GREATEST life challenges but you can survive and overcome. You matter, YOU WILL make it! 

I’m recommending some resources:

Please call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. 

For a Licensed Professional, please email: Info@keepsmilingtherapy.com

#GoGetYourSmileBack 

Check out my mental wellness journal “Cathartic Expressions” on Amazon https://a.co/d/3fleAYD

Dr. Earl O’Brien Jr., MHC, CLC, BCCC Volume 1 “The Crisis Compass” available on Barnes & Nobles https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/the-crisis-compass-earl-obrien/1148001099?ean=9798218756833 and also on Amazon at https://www.amazon.com/dp/B0FJM15HN9/ref=cm_sw_r_ffobk_cso_cp_apin_dp_9JH35S895J37BJM649AA

Love Always,

A survivor!

“EMPOWER.ENCOURAGE, EQUIP”– Christine A. George 

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CONGRATULATIONS!

No IMPOSTER SYNDROME for me. I earned everything by the Grace of God. I know sometimes when you have been in the wilderness so long, when you finally make it to the promised land you are apprehensive and don’t know how to celebrate. You will ask yourself “Is this real?” and “How long will this last?”… What we fail to realize is that HE IS A PROMISE Keeper.

It’s okay you can put that heavy bag down; you can rest here. It’s okay to rejoice, IT’S SAFE! However, while in jubilee still maintain that work ethic, trust God, and recognize that nothing would be possible without Him because our steps are ordered. He never said it would be easy, just possible if you only believe. We’re not self-made anything, HE ALLOWED it. CONGRATULATIONS! You did well. You did something about what God told you. You pursued that thing you worked hard and finally accomplished it. ITS NOT SMALL! So, celebrate this new you, new day, new beginning but keep Him centered and give Him all the glory.

My new year started on August 1st, and I am already in 2025. I just want to be present in the present recognizing that all things work out for my good and that in itself is a PRESENT.

Stand on His promises, He will not fail you, He is not a liar!

Shameless Plug: Stand on God’s promises and be reminded of his goodness by securing your copy today https://a.co/d/06j4pg7

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Happy Wife, Happy Life

“Happy wife, happy life!” is an old adage that seems to be widely accepted but should be reevaluated. Initially, it was created with the connotation that if your partner is happy then ultimately, you will be too. That’s wise! However, when I think of this phrase; it paints a picture of this subservient, emasculated male ignoring his boundaries, autonomy, voice and opinion all for the sake of saving his marriage.

It’s safe to say that many believe that once a woman seemed to be pleased and has some form of control, then the marriage is successful. Although an antiquated belief that men are the head of the household, whatever happened to a partnership perspective? Pardon me, but nothing is truly successful unless there are mutual benefactors.

Healthy relationships are not the absence of opposition or conflict but rather measured by the strength to overcome as a unit. It’s okay to have diametrically opposed views. One does not need to become “small” or hide a perspective because it will upset another. Your partner should validate your feelings as well as respect your view. We are individuals, no human is exactly alike, and our life experiences, values and world views are not going to be identical either. It does not matter how compatible you are. At some point, you’re going to disagree.

We can no longer accept self-abandonment to replace relational intelligence. Everyone needs relational skills, but it should begin with yourself. Knowing your needs and acknowledging them is a healthy mental state. Being able to say “no” and self-advocate are necessary because all of our needs and voice matters. If you feel the need to silence yourself or just acquiesce to keep the peace, then there are some greater issues in that relationship to explore. This form of behavior can also be patronizing and harmful. The “whatever you say” attitude will build up like a volcano and eventually explode regardless of your patience and tolerance levels. There is no way an individual can live happily always having to digress. Don’t get me wrong, we must be wise in choosing our battles and be conscious of when to compromise. The ability to discern which road to take is for healthy people in healthy relationships. This is for the folks in the back with no voice, leadership, joy, peace or respect. Men need safety and care too. Women were not the only ones born with emotions and feelings. Men are often taught to be strong to become the epitome of a man, but that has created pain, facades and anguish.

If you feel the need to prioritize your partners feelings by forsaking yours as lifestyle then you must seek counseling. Get help because there is a lack of security on all fronts. It could be that your partner is not a safe space, or you never been in a safe place and have difficulty exploring this new freedom. You matter, your mental and emotional health matters. KNOW that the state of your relationship needs to be a safe and nurturing environment that makes health its sole priority. Be well, live well!

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I’m TRANS… formed!

Let them be confused about who you are now! (Divine Misunderstanding)

– DR. courtney m. bradley

When you look at the transgender community, you’ll see a people who are fully persuaded about their lifestyle. They are passionate about transformation and “becoming”. Similar to Michelle Obamas book, there’s a whole process to endure as you evolve into what is new and who you were intended to be.

It’s high time that the body of Christ adapts that mentality as well be tenacious about our walk. So what if people are stuck on who you used to be? Let them be confused about who you are now. Be bold about your stance and choice in Christ. Endure the process, go to great lengths and be excited about your original self being introduced to you. Be transformed unapologetically!

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Celibacy and Christianity: True Test of Faith

One of the biggest topics in the world is based on relationships. Relations are just interactions that develop, and form based on the level of access we give someone. Some grow, but all need to be managed. We’re all born with an innate desire for a sense of belonging and to connect with other human beings. How we pursue relationships to fill that void is another discussion.

Many are blessed to find and unite with their “person” or soulmate. Others are still searching or waiting to be found. Churches have dedicated group relationship status where they discuss lifestyles and tips to live a life aligned with that of Christ. With Christ as the center and core of our essence, the subject of dating gets interesting. Many acknowledge that they are “not just anybody therefore they cannot just be with anybody”- Bishop Mervin Harding. I completely agree, life as a Believer is a life souled out, set apart, and targeted. I’m not saying we cannot mingle with others who don’t share the same beliefs but being “unequally yoked” is a demise waiting to happen.

Being unequally yoked doesn’t always mean a Christian and Non-Believer are dating. It’s also dating another Christian of another denomination, has diametrically opposed views, and conflicting life practices and whose personal walk doesn’t reflect anything close to their profession. The world doesn’t respect Christianity not because of the many forms of it but because we don’t practice what we preach. Things are confusing because we’re not brand ambassadors staying on brand, we contradict. We somewhat believe the word and accept partial truths to mix in with our walk. This is why it’s imperative to have discernment and also seek God about who you connect to. We shouldn’t casually date, but date intentionally.

Be clear about your core values, boundaries, and challenges. It’s best to connect with a partner who can encourage you and push you to live your best life. A partner who understands your goal and your God. When you are secure in yourself and your standards, you should be strong enough to take a stand. Having the “sex talk” with your partner isn’t sinful it’s life. You both should be partnering to live life as a vessel that is pure and ready for God to use. If your partner wants, you to compromise or is getting aggressive it’s a red flag. If your desires don’t align then that’s something to discuss. Don’t get me wrong it’s not a walk in the park, being celibate. It is a challenge especially when your partner is “fine” and very attractive.

You may have an active imagination and may struggle in this area. No need for shame, it’s natural. Many musicians and Levites struggle with their flesh. Forerunners that carry the sound or glory will always get hit hard. Temptation means something offered to you that you like and desire. Nothing dangled in front of you will be unappealing. Please know that you’re not alone. No cold shower is going to help. These little tricks don’t do anything if you need deliverance in this area. It’s advised to find activities to substitute frustrations. It sounds like a cliché but talking to God about helping you through this will work. Be honest about where you are and venerable in your prayers. You don’t need Him to take away the passion you have just help you take it until it’s time to release it.

The word of God is a defense. If we hide the word, we might not sin against Him (Psalm 119:11) and keep our mind on things that will edify and feed our spirit. Know that music is masterfully crafted and also is a spiritual expression and experience. Guarding your ear gates is a necessary step. You can’t live in a bubble, but your eyes also need guarding. If you struggle with sexual addictions, then that’s a discussion for your Pastor and or Sex Therapist. It’s advised to find activities and ways to “cool down”.

Please be selective about the people you allow in your space and the places you choose to go. If you know you can’t handle certain environments do yourself a favor and turn down that invitation. Delete the numbers of those who are eager to see you cheat on your first love (Christ) and have no regard for your wishes. One thing I remind myself is that I’m heir to a celestial throne and the last thing I need to do is intentionally place myself in the midst of fire. As a musician or leader in ministry, whatever spirits we “exchange” or open up ourselves to we open a door for the enemy to infiltrate our encounters and environments. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy… remember? (John 10:10) He has no authority to harm you. He needs divine permission (see Job) or we make ways for Him to be comfortable.

We compromise and that’s why Believers are not respected. If you happen to fall, shake yourself and get back up. The enemy will make you feel conflicted, but the Holy Spirit will convict. The enemy will make you feel filthy but remind yourself that God’s desire is to give you a chance to be forgiven. Pastor Donnie sang “get back up again”. You’re still a child of God, do not cower don’t hide like Adam and Eve. God looks forward to dialogues with you. Regardless of your state whether you just fell, now standing, or have been running the race of celibacy for a while know that’s it’s worth the wait. Know you are more than a moment, you worth the wait. I think of it as the difference between fast food and a fine dining experience. Fast food is easy, cheap, and unhealthy but it’s great for a moment. There are no real nutrients. Substance comes from a well-cooked meal. If you go to an elite restaurant and order its best, there is a wait time. You may see everyone around you getting what they order ahead of you but who said it’s delicious or even the correct order? What you may order may take a little more time to prepare. We want God’s best, let him take time to marinate what will bless your palette. If he made you a promise. He will fulfill it on His schedule. Let Master Chef put some extra love into what needs to love you perfectly.

Father teach me how to wait. What do you need of me in the interim? Waiting is weighty and let me tell you why. While you wait your literally taking on the weight of your call and assignment. You are increasing your intimacy with your first love. We must keep in mind that our bodies are not our own. We are bought with a price. God owns us but it’s our job to manage the vessel. Remind yourself that everything you do affects the whole. Consider how your actions can pollute your authentic witness and effectiveness. We can’t lead by living a lie.  This is a great time to ask yourself, Do I trust God? You’re probably saying of course I do. “I Luh God” (Mary Mary) but what does Faith have to do with celibacy or abstinence? … trust!

Trust is blind faith. I know that when we want to do the right thing evil is ever present (Romans 7:19-25). Can we trust God with our emotions and sex life? Or is He limited to bills, certain miracles, some signs, and wonders? He doesn’t have a glass ceiling; we create them with impatience mixed with unclear expectations. Do we trust Him to be the one to coordinate our relationships? Can we endure and fight this good fight with expectation? There is a great reward. Go after God with your whole heart. Withhold nothing let every part of us be for Him. He gave up everything to give us everything. Real love is about sacrifice. What can we give up in exchange for His reward? Isn’t He worth it?

There are so many benefits to abstinence or celibacy.

  1. Clearer mind and spirit
  2. No risk of unintentional pregnancies
  3. Protection for STD’s and STI’s
  4. Peace of Mind
  5. Boosts your immunity
  6. Avoidance of clouded decisions
  7. A chance to decipher if its love or lust
  8. Test the patience and respect of a partner
  9. Boosts anger management
  11. Increased strength in your stance
  12. A great opportunity to be used by God
  13. Time to get to know your partner for real
  14. Maintain a moral posture within your Christian walk

The choice is yours. Your life hands in the balance based on your obedience. The type of vows you make to God also determine the quality of life you experience.

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Life’s a Classroom

Love is more than an emotion, it’s a skill!

According to my Mentor, Dr. Courtney M. Bradley relationships can be metaphorically compared to classrooms. It’s a place where learning and understanding are put to the test. A place where growth is both optional and speculative. You have to choose growth and your definition of what growth looks like is your own. It’s the place where participation is necessary to enhance your learning experience. A place where one can be on repeat with the promotion in doubt and outgrow a space because they sat there too long with delayed understanding. Bradley spoke about “failing grades”. As you sit in Life’s classroom, it’s critical to really pay attention. Get all the lessons you need to learn and use them to propel you forward as you become better and not bitter. If you are not growing, then you are considered unhealthy. Growth should be inevitable, but we allow ourselves to be stagnated and be delayed. When aspects don’t experience growth, it’s considered to be disabled. This means that there is a slowing or lack of progression. Ask yourself if your love is healthy or disabled?

Bradley also mentioned summer school. Summer school is an intensive course with a limited time frame. It’s the thick of it the heat is up. The time when ultimatums are high in your environment. The pressure is on. It’s quick and you need to make up for lost time or forfeit progression. A short amount of time to get it together because you took the other seasons you had together for granted. The last thing you want to do is get frozen in this position. Like Toni Morrison, it can be “the coldest winter” skipping over the fact that you fell in love. Only hoping to spring into the new but you first must be new. 

When class is in session. Your chances of passing are great when you have the right tools, instruction, and opportunity.  You must be intentional about success and also aware of your level of competency. Is your love of geometrics aligned? Can you do the math to add up what’s been going on? Are you able to take away selfishness? Are you capable of diving your time? Is your parent thesis blocking your communication? Are issues exaggerated to the tenth power? Is forgiveness exponentially displayed? How about your tools? Do you pencil in dates still? Are you allowing God to be the protractor and compass? If so to what degree?

Are you attentive? Are the fruit of the spirit in your possession? What’s in your bag? What you carry around so walks volumes to your preparedness for success. 

With the right tools, guidance, and willingness to learn, you’ll do more than survive, you’ll thrive. There are so many ways you can pass the test of time. With the option of the open book exams. When information is not width drawn or withheld but you must do the work to search. A willingness to take time to scan and observe so you can absorb. Another option for passing is by asking questions, being honest about shortcomings, and requesting assistance. This may require your partner to overcome while they tutor you or give instructions. Nobody has it all together so it’s imperative to approach each classroom with a growth mindset and not a fixed one. A fixed mindset thinks they have reached the pinnacle and do not expand or learn more. They believe their ability to expand and broaden their perspective is set in stone. If you don’t believe you can acquire more knowledge, then you won’t. Not being teachable is a poor trait and just when you’re out to the test you feel vulnerable and exposed. 

Some projects require a partner and others a solo act. Our problem is we want to switch behaviors that don’t match what is expected. Each assignment comes with instructions. It’s up to us to make the effort to read or study the material. When your classmate has a question, do you dismiss it or use it as an opportunity for growth or to provide insight? How do you handle your environment? 

There are different types of learners, and we must expect that from our partners. Don’t think of yourself as an AP student and your partner in remedial. Even the Plainfield in your heart and mind. Your partner may not understand things the way you do and may require extra time. What’s your level of patience like? 

We must major in the art of not knowing (Bishop T.D. Jakes) but minor in ourselves (levels of pride). The only way to gain an understanding of the next is to submit it to the teacher. To yield to the environment, do your part and take assignments seriously. Be transparent about what you don’t know or haven’t been exposed to. Establish a routine and find strategies. Remember participation can be 50% of your grade. So don’t just show up but be “present”. Lastly, you’re not taking this class alone so let commutation be a driving force with your study buddy and earn the accolades together.

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Lose to Win

They say that “experience is the best teacher”, that’s speculative but I agree in some sense. In life, sometimes you gotta lose enough times to build a strategy from the ground up, gain insight, or see things from a different perspective. These are the defining moments in our lives where we get “gritty” and hungry enough to get the mindset to succeed. We gain strength, a backbone, agility, and tenacity to win. Losing isn’t fun but it’s a part of life. Now one we should embrace and get comfortable with but know it’s a temporary place of disappointment and use it as a stepping stone for forwarding movement and learning. Dr. Courtney M. Bradley says “you can have a situation but the situation doesn’t have to have you!”.

Losing teaches you about what you have within you. Nothing is more revelatory than the times of distress or trouble when we discover who we are and what we possess within. I encourage you not to give up. Oftentimes, our eyes (vision) can get adjusted to the darkness that sudden light will shock and be hurtful. However, if you keep some light on (hope) you will be able to handle the light in its fullness and adjust smoother. You must remain hopeful and remain prepared for when that light opportunity comes bursting through. Sometimes we lose so much that when a win happens, we don’t know how to recognize, receive or rejoice in it. It’s like that now but it would not always be like this forever. Try again, dry your eyes again, stand again, create again, believe again, and dream again but bigger. SUCCESS IS ON THE OTHER SIDE OF DISAPPOINTMENT!. YOU CANNOT GIVE UP NOW, YOU MUST SEE AND WITNESS THE SUN-RISE AT THE HORIZON.

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Forgive the Abuse

THE ROOT OF THE PAIN

There are two quotes that I despise with great passion. The famous sarcastic statement of “It’s not rocket science” and “I’m hard on you because I want you to be better than me!”. I started hearing it more often and found myself to be highly irritated. I needed to do some digging to find out why. After some reflection, I realized that it was not the person. It traced back to the root of pain where those statements were so rudely introduced.

Emotional and verbal abuse is just as damaging as physical abuse. Although bruises, broken bones, wounds, and cuts heal, words often don’t. If you don’t believe me, ask a therapist. You can carry verbal scars for a lifetime. They are not a badge of honor or survival. They are like chronic health issues that become a part of your daily life and “act up” when triggered. Words can replay in your psyche (soul, mind, and spirit) and be a hindrance in various parts of your life.
Both cases of abuse are severe instances that hinder your ability to trust, be open and vulnerable, leaves a residue of insecurity. Oftentimes we think we “got over it” but then memories infuriate you and cause you to do or say something you can potentially regret. Many experience difficulties loving and embracing, you may experience PTSD. Post-traumatic stress disorder is just the beginning. There are panic attacks for comments and circumstances that mirror what you have been through. You may be short-tempered and eager to protect yourself and violent. You may have walls up, become sarcastic, live in survival mode, and experience self-sabotage. There are a host of repercussions and varied effects.
After the deep soul search, I realized I was introduced to these quotes from a family member who I loved dearly but never really could determine if the love was ever reciprocated. I realized years later that person was hurting too. They were broken and had to be strong despite what they had to endure. I admire their strength but now I had to let go of those things because words are anchors. While you’re considering going in a different direction, your ship is unable to move because those comments have more weight than you would like to admit. Forgiveness isn’t for them but it’s for us to be free and not give our power away. I know it’s hard for some to consider but it’s the truth. Some things have to be squished, sliced, and dissected so you can enjoy the fruit or the flavor. Well, forgiveness has a fragrance and taste that is indescribable and liberating.
I realized that forgiveness is an art. Even in the Bible, it taught about forgiving seventy times seven for one individual (Matthew 18:22). It means that people will offend you and it may be multiple times. I’m not saying to be someone’s fool, but they may mess up more than once as infallible beings. It’s not that anything is wrong with you, you are not “Soft” but being the bigger person who exercises much grace. We must learn to establish boundaries without damaging others and ourselves.
Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8), but it also heals. Look at stray abused dogs. They may want to attack when you attempt to rescue them but it’s like wow look at what they endured. You must give it some time.

“Your assignment will most likely bite you before they bless you,” said Dr. Courtney M. Bradley. People are imperfect and will mess up more times than they can count. Haven’t we done something things numerous times before we got it right?… but yet we are forgiven. The Bible talks about forgiveness being done seventy times seven. If you do the math, it’s 490 times. Most folks would be like who going to sit back and allow someone to offend or attack me that much?. People will be people, and some are trapped in their world of pain-causing havoc. We are so eager to cut people off. If you fire people from a job without an exit interview or some form of explanation there is no lesson learned just recycled behaviors. We end up being stuck in emotions like a bookmark in a dramatic novel. God doesn’t want us to be fooled but to live free. Forgiveness is art for self-liberation we must practice. You may never get that deserved apology but still…practice. When memories offend, forgive again. Keep practicing. “Forgiveness is a fragrance the violet sheds on the heel that crushed it”- Mark Twain. I desire to be a fragrance before God that he can be pleased with where beauty is revealed even in pressing times. Understand that people who are abused express what they have been suppressing. YOU are not anyone’s punching bag. You are not called to be the one in the way of projective behavior. It’s a sad cycle but I am learning to have more compassion than I did in times past. Thing’s people say will cut deep but know that you loved and love yourself enough to live through it and surpass it. Have that hard conversation but don’t dwell there, don’t give negativity more life and power. You win just by being your awesome authentic self. Let it all go so you won’t have to live hindered and on defense.

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Where I’m From

IT DOES NOT MATTER WHERE YOU ARE FROM OR DOES IT?

Dr. Matthew L. Stevenson said something so profound… “It’s doesn’t matter where you are from, but it matters where you’re from”. Those words have resonated with me and I abide by this daily.

When people say, “It doesn’t matter where you are from”, the general connotation implies that your background and experiences do not dictate how your life will turn out. Whether you grew up in the projects, a part of a family struggling to survive, lost loved ones, grew up in a hostile community, or just endured unfavorable circumstances doesn’t mean that is all to life. You are not destined to remain there. Those factors do not negate the fact that you recognize your potential, have big dreams to fulfill, and that you desire more. It’s not a cliché to say it out loud “I will not be a product of my environment.”  Your past lives in the shadows and has its purposes but it cannot light the path to your future. Circumstances are not always cycles sometimes they are just seasons. In each season, we learn something new and establish new skills.

In the summer, we appreciate the sun although we must protect ourselves. We hydrate and ensure that heatstroke doesn’t become an issue. We cool down but have moments where we enjoy the suns’ benefits within measure. We learn the art of balance. In the Spring, we learn to store up and prepare for winter, yet we enjoy the rain that brings up beautiful flowers. Rain that’s necessary for growth and to yield a harvest. In the fall we learn the art of anticipation, winter is near, and things should be in place. We learn to adapt to change and transition. Sometimes is nice and hot still and other times it can be chilly. We learn to be flexible and adjust when necessary. Finally, many enjoy it and others dread it but there is winter. We learn how to layer, protect, and cover. We are given the heart of appreciation during this season. Maybe you should not have complained throughout the summer or prepared better in the spring? There is so much we learn in each season if we see things with an open perspective. We must learn to accept the good and bad parts of our stories because it makes us who we are. What have you learned throughout various seasons of life?

Self-reflection is not an opportunity to be depressed or loathe certain memories, but to see how far you have come. It’s a time to gauge how much you have grown, know what you would never do again, and also to be thankful. It’s okay to yourself questions about improvement and enhancement. Do you see a process of development? Your takeaways directly affect your responses to life. Do not be ashamed of where you have come from because it shaped your entire existence. It affects perspective, passion, desire, conflict resolution skills, listening skills, relationships, interactions with people in general, temperament, and leadership.

Maybe you always had to take care of everyone else or be everyone’s shoulder to cry on. At this juncture in life, you should have some substance to be a blessing. You could become a system and program developer, world changer, and impact the environment around you. After all that you have been through. Don’t count yourself out. Now is the best time to be that counselor, advisor, therapist, or even a leader in some capacity. Where you came from gave you so much insight into struggle and tools for grit and perseverance. Therefore, it does matter where you are from. Your background and unique experiences all prepare you to make a great impact in your sphere of influence today. Witnessing (or enduring) the abuse was traumatic but imagine how you can get proactive as a survivor and embody strength by providing shelter or counseling for the abused? You have come full circle with your destiny. That’s a powerful moment. It doesn’t matter where the dirt was located, your seed was birthed in the right ground and someone beautiful emerged out of it. It doesn’t matter where you come from because nothing can hold you back, but it does matter where you come from because it can be used as fuel to propel you forward. It depends on your perspective. Is where you come from the biggest factor in your life or can you realize your big potential and factor in how your roots pruned you for the success of tomorrow? “It doesn’t matter who you are, where you come from. The ability to triumph begins with you. Always.” —Oprah Winfrey