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“Spin Da Block”

“Spin Da Block” is an urban term or slang that refers to the act of returning, another attempt, or a second chance. Think of it as walking around an actual block in circles. You are not truly distant, you’re in the area just not authentically present.

After a door is closed sometimes it serves as a reminder to keep it that way. We are sometimes too lenient and grant access to those who should remain outdoors. Knowing your worth will cause you to be very intentional about every connection. It will enable you to set standards, create boundaries, and abide by them.

Ask yourself “What type of people do I want to engage in my life?”, “Who and what no longer serves me?”, “Are the people I am surrounded by positive?” the list can continue forever. After establishing where you would like to go in your life, it’s imperative to surround yourself with like-minded individuals and be mindful of having healthy relationships.

Recognizing your worth is only the initial stage, being proactive about investing in yourself is another. Daily, we are challenged to choose right and to choose better than we did yesterday. Your emotional well-being and safety should be paramount on our lists.

When someone you were once romantic with or attracted to attempts to “spin da block” we often ask ourselves “What is it that this person wants THIS time”, insinuating that there was a level of engagement that had ended. Sometimes people enter a certain chapter of their lives and like to leave bookmarks. They “ghost” you or “leave you hanging”, wondering if you did something wrong or questioning what happened.

These types of individuals are great manipulators and often are masters of breadcrumbing and gaslighting. They like leaving a bookmark so they can pick up exactly where they left off with you. This prevents you from moving on to your next chapter. If they hold a key to your heart, this can be troubling and challenging. Some of us haven’t changed the locks to our hearts so they come and go as they please. We as humanity have to know when it’s time for a change. Let people circle all they want even to linger in front of your home but you do not have to answer.

Do that upgrade to your home (self), invest, pursue, expand, and broaden your horizons. When people are inside, they get comfortable and take advantage of the access but as soon as they are no longer permitted and see that enhancements are being made, they come running back and don’t allow it. Recognize that this is a game for most.

This doesn’t just apply to romantic connections; but to friends and other people who have displayed a toxic track record. You know the saying “When people show you who they are, believe them!”. Don’t just guard your heart (Bible) guard the entry and access points too. Sau “Yes!” to our best selves and say “No!” to all things and people contrary. Then you can make room for growth, development, inspiration, and ability to thrive. Remove that old bookmark and let the next chapter begin!

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When someone you were once romantic with or attracted to returns in your life.

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Sweet on You

I’m Sweet On You

From childhood to adulthood, most of us crave something savory, rich, creamy, and sweet. The sales grow by at least 5% worldwide and it’s all for ice cream. Ice cream serves as a treat, an escape, a snack, a dessert, a mood booster, and most certainly a comfort food.

Your taste buds may go from simple to an expanded pallet, but it will always be something to crave whether it’s a heat wave or cold outside. We all have our preferences in flavors and serving options. Some like vanilla, chocolate, strawberry, and even exotic flavors. Others like it fried, as a milkshake, some out of a bowl, some on a cone, and others straight out of the container. There are others who focus on texture and feel and prefer it hard, soft, or even melted.  Regardless of how you like it, you just have to have it.

Coldstones is a popular crematory ice cream chain. You get a customized order of your liking. You choose everything from the size and toppings; you can choose from signatures or design your own, it is a true experience. One thing I have always loved was the sizing options, it’s labeled creatively. The three basic sizes are “like it”, “love it” and “gotta have it” which to me gives a sensual connotation. More than your typical reference but truly reminds me of sex.

Nothing’s taboo here, we all like “ice cream”. Think about the description, how we prefer it to be served, favors, sizes, and more. Your mind can run wild here but there’s something special I gained from reviewing the sizes. In relationships, we either come in with preferences or attain them along with way with experience. Your body will speak to you about the levels of sex and intimacy you crave. Many relationships fall apart for several reasons and one major one is a unsatisfied partner. While intimacy, quality time, and other aspects of a relationship are essential for growth, security, and longevity; connectivity plays a major role. Your hormones control your moods and many aspects of your personal life and permeate into the pores of your relationship. Many people will tell you that things started to go downhill after their sex life began suffering.

It’s imperative to ask hard and sometimes intrusive questions while dating or courting. You need to know what your partner’s needs and desires are. Not always will they match a hundred percent but it’s good insight. Use that detail to make an informed decision about your future together. For instance, let’s go back to the Coldstones measurements LIKE IT. LOVE IT. GOTTA HAEIT. A partner who merely enjoys sex linked with a partner who has to have it is going to struggle a bit. One partner may feel unsatisfied or if not spoken about internalize the body language as a rejection. Others may feel that one partner is too focused on sex and that other things do not matter to them which could be completely wrong. Your mismatched libidos (sex drives) can cause a dilemma and much frustration. There is a thing called sex drive discrepancy (SDD) when partners experience different levels or a different frequency of sexual activity. It’s like wanting to share your ice cream with your lover but they are lactose intolerant. This may not mean that you are with the wrong person. However, it does mean it’s something to discuss.

Communication should be paramount in your relationship. Couples should consider this topic while calm and when both partners are ready to be transparent. I would suggest before becoming intimate, so you have an idea of what you’re walking into. If I had to go somewhere temporarily, I would pack for it, which calls for preparation. You need to do some research, is it cold or hot? How do I brace myself for my intended experience? Be prepared to actively listen and communicate your needs unapologetically, discuss your levels of freakiness or openness (a whole other discussion), safe words, and things you’re comfortable and uncomfortable with. Discuss what makes you feel appreciated, and what feels good, and define what pleasure means to you. Don’t give up on each other, be patient, find common ground if you can, and work on meeting in the middle. Remember that ninety percent of communication is non-verbal and what you don’t discuss is left up to your partner’s imagination, assumption, and misinterpretation. Having a healthy relationship includes all aspects of your relationship being addressed. Let your partner feel and know that you’re sweet on them! Enjoy your sweet treat!

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Management

Dear Leader

One management style does not work for everyone on your team. Flexibility is applicable in leadership as well. We must consistently grow and develop just like we expect our team members to.

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Happy Wife, Happy Life

“Happy wife, happy life!” is an old adage that seems to be widely accepted but should be reevaluated. Initially, it was created with the connotation that if your partner is happy then ultimately, you will be too. That’s wise! However, when I think of this phrase; it paints a picture of this subservient, emasculated male ignoring his boundaries, autonomy, voice and opinion all for the sake of saving his marriage.

It’s safe to say that many believe that once a woman seemed to be pleased and has some form of control, then the marriage is successful. Although an antiquated belief that men are the head of the household, whatever happened to a partnership perspective? Pardon me, but nothing is truly successful unless there are mutual benefactors.

Healthy relationships are not the absence of opposition or conflict but rather measured by the strength to overcome as a unit. It’s okay to have diametrically opposed views. One does not need to become “small” or hide a perspective because it will upset another. Your partner should validate your feelings as well as respect your view. We are individuals, no human is exactly alike, and our life experiences, values and world views are not going to be identical either. It does not matter how compatible you are. At some point, you’re going to disagree.

We can no longer accept self-abandonment to replace relational intelligence. Everyone needs relational skills, but it should begin with yourself. Knowing your needs and acknowledging them is a healthy mental state. Being able to say “no” and self-advocate are necessary because all of our needs and voice matters. If you feel the need to silence yourself or just acquiesce to keep the peace, then there are some greater issues in that relationship to explore. This form of behavior can also be patronizing and harmful. The “whatever you say” attitude will build up like a volcano and eventually explode regardless of your patience and tolerance levels. There is no way an individual can live happily always having to digress. Don’t get me wrong, we must be wise in choosing our battles and be conscious of when to compromise. The ability to discern which road to take is for healthy people in healthy relationships. This is for the folks in the back with no voice, leadership, joy, peace or respect. Men need safety and care too. Women were not the only ones born with emotions and feelings. Men are often taught to be strong to become the epitome of a man, but that has created pain, facades and anguish.

If you feel the need to prioritize your partners feelings by forsaking yours as lifestyle then you must seek counseling. Get help because there is a lack of security on all fronts. It could be that your partner is not a safe space, or you never been in a safe place and have difficulty exploring this new freedom. You matter, your mental and emotional health matters. KNOW that the state of your relationship needs to be a safe and nurturing environment that makes health its sole priority. Be well, live well!

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WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?

SOMETIMES LOVE ISN’T ENOUGH!

So many are in search of a soulmate, their “person” and in love with love. However, there comes a time when you have to get your head out of the clouds and make strategic decisions that are far above your feelings.

Many arrive at that place in their relationship when things have intensified and are very serious. In the season that considers marriage and another level of commitment, there is a lot to consider. You’re going to make a vital decision that will shift the entire trajectory of your life. Understanding the severity of this single decision is key. It will affect every aspect of your daily life, success, and overall wellness.  

If you are planning and considering a union, then it is safe to say that you are in love. Besides obvious feelings and emotions, there are many things to analyze, discuss, disclose, and explore. We often believe that we are loving with “our eyes open” but in actuality, love has overpowered your senses. Something could be right under your nose or in your face but for some reason, it is undetectable and overlooked. I ask the question…are you capable of recognizing red flags or are you color blind? Are you only listening to your heart?

Everything isn’t as it seems. Taking a step back typically helps you locate the item. Temporarily moving from an environment that is fragrant-filled will make you recognize the distinction when you return. A chance to observe outside the stage of euphoria. A chance to put aside all the wonderful things you love about your partner and get real. All of this is necessary to make level-headed decisions to ensure your life is enhanced and not destroyed. I am not saying to break up. Please understand that sometimes when many date they lose sight of all the things they were and fail to connect with others to add balance. Dr. Cortney Bradley speaks about “expiring your prior”. Whoever you were before you got into this relationship, maintain it. Don’t allow people to come into your life and take you away from people, places, activities, routines, and beliefs to turn you into someone they could love.  Love is a risk you take with heart but should not be in the equation alone because what you love may not love you back or even benefit your life.

There is a reason why hindsight is considered 20/20. After some time, those high levels of dopamine and your chemical highs begin to settle, you begin to think more clearly. Some weigh their relationships by the metaphor of seeing the glass as half empty or half full. These major life decisions can’t be based on love alone. I challenge you to evaluate your partner in a similar manner. See them as a vessel that is either empty, fully overflowing, or broken. Half full or half empty is irrelevant because vessels can be easily refilled or emptied out.

Let’s delve deeper…

1. EMPTY: You cannot pour from an empty cup to give what you haven’t got. Some people are patient and are willing to take time to pour into their partner. They are hoping and believing that eventually, there will be substance to receive. This vessel can be special because it is full of potential for major capacity.

2. FULL: A full vessel can be exciting. It may seem like it’s packed with everything you desire. Full isn’t always a good thing. Someone can be full of themselves, issues from their past and so many unfavorable things. Evaluate their fullness and substance. Is this person full of love that will spill over? Is the fullness admirable characteristics or full of red and neon signs? What are you willing to accept?  Ask questions such as “is there any room for personal growth?… and is there room for me?

3. BROKEN: The final category. BEWARE!! And be very careful. The optimistic lover and person with a hero complex will see the potential here. Being positive and believing in someone’s growth is beautiful, however most people like where they are or are stuck somewhere you cannot help them move out of. You will recognize some room and space for development. Many will remain and try to work things out saying, “No one is perfect!”. It’s justified love. Making excuses to cover them because, after all, they are not bad people just have some intense issues.  When you are in love you are so eager to help, heal, and repair… newsflash! You cannot do it. You see some capacity but at some point, this person is incapable of holding on to what you give and unable to adequately pour back. There is a lack of flow, and you may be left dehydrated. The sharpness of the broken pieces is often fragments of deep trauma, pain, toxic traits, and unfavorable habits. These sharp edges can easily puncture what is authentic, tender, and vulnerable. It’s either you handle it with care or stand clear. A cut may appear to be simple, and you bandage it with forgiveness and much work. You may continue to bleed only to find out that although small, the cut is deeper than you initially accessed. Now you’re losing blood. Blood is a valuable source of life, oxygen, and nutrients. Bleeding is a depletion of energy and life that’s irreplaceable. You will recognize symptoms such as feeling emotionally fatigued, suffocation, or as if you are dying slowly (“Killing Me Softly”). It’s high time to reevaluate. This is now a wound and you may need assistance.

It’s imperative to know yourself and be strong as you stand knowing your worth is immeasurable. To know your standards and be self-aware. Did this vessel add to me or deplete me? It’s imperative to seek God via prayer and medication. Be bold enough to ask questions and courageous enough to accept his answers. God and therapy can help you heal and regain strength. Life is not over. Know that your heart is resilient, and you will bounce back. Sometimes, love isn’t enough, you need critical thinking not paranoia. You need to be analytical and honest by asking the right questions to gain clarity and a refined perspective. For resources in relation to love, communication, and analysis; check out my new book ALL THINGS CONSIDERED. ATC is a writing prompt to assist you with those hard questions, explore and discover, and gain clarity.

ALL THINGS CONSIDERED: 100+ Discussion Prompts For Deeper Connections: Renee, Chrissy: 9798859889907: Amazon.com: Books

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Support Me

God has made everyone unique, a wonderful dynamic of diversity. However, we often forget that concept. Our perspectives are often selfish, limited, biased, partial, cloudy, culturally based, or just shaped by the norms of our environments.

 Many have lost valuable relationships based on our lack of understanding. We forget that premise is correct, we are all different. We all vary in definitions and have peculiar perspectives, life encounters, influences, and environments. What’s common to you may be foreign to another. We tend to go to what and who feels familiar, a form of social subconscious bias. We tend to cling to people with whom we find the most commonalities. We naturally and sometimes intentionally avoid and reject all that is different from us that we may have challenges accepting. Sometimes the person or perspective challenges us. We don’t grow or expand our horizons sticking to what we know but rather live a life boxed in.

Even within our own circles, we have boxed-in mentalities that comes with a series of expectations. It’s not that others let us down; they were being themselves, but what let us down was our own expectations. We have monologues with ourselves (lacking communication) and say, “we’re close you “should know this and that”. This is why communication is essential to any form of interaction. Not everyone shows visible expressions of how they feel, not everyone is verbally expressive, and not everyone is emotionally intelligent. We must speak with each other.

The most common topic on people’s minds, posts, statuses, and conversations is … ME. I know Beyonce sang “Me, myself and I… that’s all I got in the end, that’s what I found out”. Most likely a narrative of hurt from a former lover. We often take hurt and pretend to be better when everything we’re portraying is really screaming the opposite. We don’t realize that we are a self-centered generation. We can’t recognize another’s pain and that fact has contributed to the rising number of suicide cases. The surviving is left to answer

  1. What signs did I miss?
  2. Where was I?
  3. Did I do enough?
  4. Could this have been prevented? And the rabbit hole of inquiries continues on…

We are often stuck in our own world. We may have a few people inside our bubble but yet still have ridiculous standards. One I would like to address in particular is the issue of the lack of support. We all have said it at some time in our lives. “We don’t feel supported” or “I support everyone but when it’s my turn, where is everyone?”. It’s good to be self-aware and know what your needs are as long as we’re not consumed by them. By all means, know thyself. Be familiar with your own love languages as part of your hierarchy of needs (Maslow) is demanding support, encouragement, or validation. However, I have a question?… Since you are requesting to be supported, in which way did you leave the door open or grant someone access to show up? Also, did you know that nobody has to support you? It’s not a criterion for life, it’s not a prerequisite for loyalty, and here is why.

As I stated previously, we are all different and our perspectives vary. Whether it’s what you’ve taught or your own concepts about life, we don’t all see the same. Can you wear other prescription glasses? Of course not, so we would have less of an emotional battle, and decreased frustration when we learn to accept that support means different things for different people. Just because you are close to someone doesn’t mean they will automatically pick up certain facts and preferences. Some things are obvious like a parent attending their child’s recital. There should be no question of “showing up” there. However, If you have an endeavor, achieve a goal, or reach a milestone, how people respond to you will vary. You will have to accept that fact and truly be okay with it.

In business, they tell you not to see your immediate circle as your clients and they are correct. Many close to the sun are blinded and they can’t quite see you and all your majesty. They will most likely not appreciate you until it becomes “dark” and they realized you brought sunshine to their lives. A realization only reality can bring.

You cannot force or manipulate people to support you. Support will be disingenuous and might be full of responses (verbal and non-verbal) that you may not like. Oftentimes, support will come from surprising sources.

There are many pros and cons to support. If you get it, appreciate it but if you don’t just know that it doesn’t take anything away from you. You are still amazing; most gems are often hidden and need to be found by someone who is searching for value or is professionally trained to recognize it.

Here are some disadvantages of a poor support system

  1. Prone to depression
  2. Vulnerable to suicide
  3. Questioning your worth
  4. Insecurities
  5. Feelings of loneliness
  6. Lack of security
  7. Increases Anxiety
  8. Confirms self-defense mechanisms
  9. A need to be strong all the time
  10. Adaptation to handling things on your own, later unwilling to accept help
  11. Resentment
  12. Cynicism

On the other hand, here is how support can be beneficial

  1. Boosts confidence
  2. More likely to thrive and accomplish goals
  3. Gain an extra push
  4. Boosts mood
  5. Serves as a community
  6. Provides a sense of belonging
  7. Increases strength
  8. Overall health and well-being
  9. Ability to speak up about issues and concerns

In today’s climate, there are a lot of regrets and destroyed relationships due to a lack of communication. Let’s remember that support looks different for eveyrone and is defined by unique perception.

Let’s us practice exercising genuine concern empathy and tapping into our emotional intelligence. Before a demise, the signs are all there. People just don’t commit suicide because they are sad. Sometimes they are just fed up with the world and how we treat them. Life in itself can beat upon someone but support and authentic connections can make a difference. Let’s throw kindness around like confetti and be the difference that makes someone’s world different!

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Celibacy and Christianity: True Test of Faith

One of the biggest topics in the world is based on relationships. Relations are just interactions that develop, and form based on the level of access we give someone. Some grow, but all need to be managed. We’re all born with an innate desire for a sense of belonging and to connect with other human beings. How we pursue relationships to fill that void is another discussion.

Many are blessed to find and unite with their “person” or soulmate. Others are still searching or waiting to be found. Churches have dedicated group relationship status where they discuss lifestyles and tips to live a life aligned with that of Christ. With Christ as the center and core of our essence, the subject of dating gets interesting. Many acknowledge that they are “not just anybody therefore they cannot just be with anybody”- Bishop Mervin Harding. I completely agree, life as a Believer is a life souled out, set apart, and targeted. I’m not saying we cannot mingle with others who don’t share the same beliefs but being “unequally yoked” is a demise waiting to happen.

Being unequally yoked doesn’t always mean a Christian and Non-Believer are dating. It’s also dating another Christian of another denomination, has diametrically opposed views, and conflicting life practices and whose personal walk doesn’t reflect anything close to their profession. The world doesn’t respect Christianity not because of the many forms of it but because we don’t practice what we preach. Things are confusing because we’re not brand ambassadors staying on brand, we contradict. We somewhat believe the word and accept partial truths to mix in with our walk. This is why it’s imperative to have discernment and also seek God about who you connect to. We shouldn’t casually date, but date intentionally.

Be clear about your core values, boundaries, and challenges. It’s best to connect with a partner who can encourage you and push you to live your best life. A partner who understands your goal and your God. When you are secure in yourself and your standards, you should be strong enough to take a stand. Having the “sex talk” with your partner isn’t sinful it’s life. You both should be partnering to live life as a vessel that is pure and ready for God to use. If your partner wants, you to compromise or is getting aggressive it’s a red flag. If your desires don’t align then that’s something to discuss. Don’t get me wrong it’s not a walk in the park, being celibate. It is a challenge especially when your partner is “fine” and very attractive.

You may have an active imagination and may struggle in this area. No need for shame, it’s natural. Many musicians and Levites struggle with their flesh. Forerunners that carry the sound or glory will always get hit hard. Temptation means something offered to you that you like and desire. Nothing dangled in front of you will be unappealing. Please know that you’re not alone. No cold shower is going to help. These little tricks don’t do anything if you need deliverance in this area. It’s advised to find activities to substitute frustrations. It sounds like a cliché but talking to God about helping you through this will work. Be honest about where you are and venerable in your prayers. You don’t need Him to take away the passion you have just help you take it until it’s time to release it.

The word of God is a defense. If we hide the word, we might not sin against Him (Psalm 119:11) and keep our mind on things that will edify and feed our spirit. Know that music is masterfully crafted and also is a spiritual expression and experience. Guarding your ear gates is a necessary step. You can’t live in a bubble, but your eyes also need guarding. If you struggle with sexual addictions, then that’s a discussion for your Pastor and or Sex Therapist. It’s advised to find activities and ways to “cool down”.

Please be selective about the people you allow in your space and the places you choose to go. If you know you can’t handle certain environments do yourself a favor and turn down that invitation. Delete the numbers of those who are eager to see you cheat on your first love (Christ) and have no regard for your wishes. One thing I remind myself is that I’m heir to a celestial throne and the last thing I need to do is intentionally place myself in the midst of fire. As a musician or leader in ministry, whatever spirits we “exchange” or open up ourselves to we open a door for the enemy to infiltrate our encounters and environments. He comes to kill, steal, and destroy… remember? (John 10:10) He has no authority to harm you. He needs divine permission (see Job) or we make ways for Him to be comfortable.

We compromise and that’s why Believers are not respected. If you happen to fall, shake yourself and get back up. The enemy will make you feel conflicted, but the Holy Spirit will convict. The enemy will make you feel filthy but remind yourself that God’s desire is to give you a chance to be forgiven. Pastor Donnie sang “get back up again”. You’re still a child of God, do not cower don’t hide like Adam and Eve. God looks forward to dialogues with you. Regardless of your state whether you just fell, now standing, or have been running the race of celibacy for a while know that’s it’s worth the wait. Know you are more than a moment, you worth the wait. I think of it as the difference between fast food and a fine dining experience. Fast food is easy, cheap, and unhealthy but it’s great for a moment. There are no real nutrients. Substance comes from a well-cooked meal. If you go to an elite restaurant and order its best, there is a wait time. You may see everyone around you getting what they order ahead of you but who said it’s delicious or even the correct order? What you may order may take a little more time to prepare. We want God’s best, let him take time to marinate what will bless your palette. If he made you a promise. He will fulfill it on His schedule. Let Master Chef put some extra love into what needs to love you perfectly.

Father teach me how to wait. What do you need of me in the interim? Waiting is weighty and let me tell you why. While you wait your literally taking on the weight of your call and assignment. You are increasing your intimacy with your first love. We must keep in mind that our bodies are not our own. We are bought with a price. God owns us but it’s our job to manage the vessel. Remind yourself that everything you do affects the whole. Consider how your actions can pollute your authentic witness and effectiveness. We can’t lead by living a lie.  This is a great time to ask yourself, Do I trust God? You’re probably saying of course I do. “I Luh God” (Mary Mary) but what does Faith have to do with celibacy or abstinence? … trust!

Trust is blind faith. I know that when we want to do the right thing evil is ever present (Romans 7:19-25). Can we trust God with our emotions and sex life? Or is He limited to bills, certain miracles, some signs, and wonders? He doesn’t have a glass ceiling; we create them with impatience mixed with unclear expectations. Do we trust Him to be the one to coordinate our relationships? Can we endure and fight this good fight with expectation? There is a great reward. Go after God with your whole heart. Withhold nothing let every part of us be for Him. He gave up everything to give us everything. Real love is about sacrifice. What can we give up in exchange for His reward? Isn’t He worth it?

There are so many benefits to abstinence or celibacy.

  1. Clearer mind and spirit
  2. No risk of unintentional pregnancies
  3. Protection for STD’s and STI’s
  4. Peace of Mind
  5. Boosts your immunity
  6. Avoidance of clouded decisions
  7. A chance to decipher if its love or lust
  8. Test the patience and respect of a partner
  9. Boosts anger management
  11. Increased strength in your stance
  12. A great opportunity to be used by God
  13. Time to get to know your partner for real
  14. Maintain a moral posture within your Christian walk

The choice is yours. Your life hands in the balance based on your obedience. The type of vows you make to God also determine the quality of life you experience.

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Hero Complexities

Two sides to a Superhero complex. The one who desires to save the world and the one who needs saving.

One who needs to be saved is typically eager to cling to anyone for their moment of crisis or uncertainty. They need a moment to feel safe, seen, and protected. Oftentimes you will notice that this person has endured some type of loss, trauma, rejection, betrayal, or a wild combination of it all. They have had a hard life full of unfortunate circumstances, conditions, and unkind people.

 This person is vulnerable, sometimes gullible, and would do anything just to say that they have someone on their side. This is not a bad trait. Wanted to be accepted, covered and heard by someone is an innate human response. We are all born with the innate desire to connect, feel accepted, appreciated, and have a sense of belonging. However, on the flip side of things it’s not their fault but somehow seem to keep attracting the worse kind of people. When people recognize your desperation to belong, they would take advantage.

Many who never had a solid level of security or love early on in life tend to fall in various categories:

  • Prey- easy to manipulate, abuse and control.
  • Stoic – a person who can endure pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining; tolerant
  • Emotional – Ran and controlled by feelings as opposed to facts.
  • Anxious – anxiety is their GPS
  • Balanced – accepted their life events but use them as a tool to propel them forward. The highest level of relational intelligence is exhibited here.

The distressed may encounter an amazing individual(s) but the people they attract don’t realize that there is a magnetic pull. This relationship oftentimes exposes a deeper issue. It’s an attraction to people who need help because you either feel you need to save the world or can relate and operate under sympathy.

Many don’t often recognize that there is an underlying issue. There is a reason why there is a magnetic pull towards each other. The people they attract are not always bad. Sometimes they are good people. Oftentimes, it’s someone with an agenda, other times Good Samaritans who just want to make a difference and lastly the group who has been on the other side of things and want to ensure that someone is guided to a better lifestyle.

The need to be lead, covered and seen will make you vulnerable to certain things or have you acting outside your character in fear of losing that individual. It’s dangerous posture where new behaviors and traits arise. You may find yourself trying to emulate that person, protect your new Savior by any means necessary. You become their cheerleader thinking you’re on their team. Slowly becoming obsessed and see no one else during the attachment phase. Manipulation becomes easy here as you become a pawn in their game movement.

Then there are those who feel the need to save the world, protect, and coddle or enable. Having a big heart is one thing but there are also limits and boundaries not to cross.  People with the “S” on their chest tend to be strong individuals who feel a sense of obligation to lead, protect, instruct, intervene, and sometimes meddle instead of mitigating. 

Everyone is not your assignment. Its imperative with a person of the helping nature to access before proceeding. Similar to CPR protocol, it advised to check if this will be detrimental to you. Not every interaction is mutually beneficial so proceed with caution. Its important to access what your limitations are, what you are willing to do and how far you are willing to put yourself out there? Ask yourself a few questions about your motive and purpose for involvement make informed decisions moving forward. Don’t sacrifice yourself or put yourself in harms way. Be mindful that everyone does not need saving and may abuse your benevolence and kind heart.

Both parties are faced with complexities. In all things, access your part and the purpose of involvement. Am I vulnerable? A good question for both sides to ask themselves and what’s my motive. There is nothing wrong with needing a little assistance or being a good person willing to assist but it can be disastrous when not done with discernment, wisdom, and insight.

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Life’s a Classroom

Love is more than an emotion, it’s a skill!

According to my Mentor, Dr. Courtney M. Bradley relationships can be metaphorically compared to classrooms. It’s a place where learning and understanding are put to the test. A place where growth is both optional and speculative. You have to choose growth and your definition of what growth looks like is your own. It’s the place where participation is necessary to enhance your learning experience. A place where one can be on repeat with the promotion in doubt and outgrow a space because they sat there too long with delayed understanding. Bradley spoke about “failing grades”. As you sit in Life’s classroom, it’s critical to really pay attention. Get all the lessons you need to learn and use them to propel you forward as you become better and not bitter. If you are not growing, then you are considered unhealthy. Growth should be inevitable, but we allow ourselves to be stagnated and be delayed. When aspects don’t experience growth, it’s considered to be disabled. This means that there is a slowing or lack of progression. Ask yourself if your love is healthy or disabled?

Bradley also mentioned summer school. Summer school is an intensive course with a limited time frame. It’s the thick of it the heat is up. The time when ultimatums are high in your environment. The pressure is on. It’s quick and you need to make up for lost time or forfeit progression. A short amount of time to get it together because you took the other seasons you had together for granted. The last thing you want to do is get frozen in this position. Like Toni Morrison, it can be “the coldest winter” skipping over the fact that you fell in love. Only hoping to spring into the new but you first must be new. 

When class is in session. Your chances of passing are great when you have the right tools, instruction, and opportunity.  You must be intentional about success and also aware of your level of competency. Is your love of geometrics aligned? Can you do the math to add up what’s been going on? Are you able to take away selfishness? Are you capable of diving your time? Is your parent thesis blocking your communication? Are issues exaggerated to the tenth power? Is forgiveness exponentially displayed? How about your tools? Do you pencil in dates still? Are you allowing God to be the protractor and compass? If so to what degree?

Are you attentive? Are the fruit of the spirit in your possession? What’s in your bag? What you carry around so walks volumes to your preparedness for success. 

With the right tools, guidance, and willingness to learn, you’ll do more than survive, you’ll thrive. There are so many ways you can pass the test of time. With the option of the open book exams. When information is not width drawn or withheld but you must do the work to search. A willingness to take time to scan and observe so you can absorb. Another option for passing is by asking questions, being honest about shortcomings, and requesting assistance. This may require your partner to overcome while they tutor you or give instructions. Nobody has it all together so it’s imperative to approach each classroom with a growth mindset and not a fixed one. A fixed mindset thinks they have reached the pinnacle and do not expand or learn more. They believe their ability to expand and broaden their perspective is set in stone. If you don’t believe you can acquire more knowledge, then you won’t. Not being teachable is a poor trait and just when you’re out to the test you feel vulnerable and exposed. 

Some projects require a partner and others a solo act. Our problem is we want to switch behaviors that don’t match what is expected. Each assignment comes with instructions. It’s up to us to make the effort to read or study the material. When your classmate has a question, do you dismiss it or use it as an opportunity for growth or to provide insight? How do you handle your environment? 

There are different types of learners, and we must expect that from our partners. Don’t think of yourself as an AP student and your partner in remedial. Even the Plainfield in your heart and mind. Your partner may not understand things the way you do and may require extra time. What’s your level of patience like? 

We must major in the art of not knowing (Bishop T.D. Jakes) but minor in ourselves (levels of pride). The only way to gain an understanding of the next is to submit it to the teacher. To yield to the environment, do your part and take assignments seriously. Be transparent about what you don’t know or haven’t been exposed to. Establish a routine and find strategies. Remember participation can be 50% of your grade. So don’t just show up but be “present”. Lastly, you’re not taking this class alone so let commutation be a driving force with your study buddy and earn the accolades together.